Another Day

Yesterday wasn’t the greatest. I did work out, but I had a particular dinner in mind and ended up cooking for the family and eating more than I should have. I made a huge pot of vegetable noodle soup with meatballs, sort of a Dutch version of Italian Wedding soup. I’d gotten distracted throughout the day and basically forgot to eat more for lunch than a Slimfast shake, so by the time dinner rolled around, I was famished. I ended up eating a buttered bagel before dinner, and then I had a big piece of French bread with butter, along with a couple of glasses of milk and a pretty big bowl of soup.

My actual calorie tally probably wasn’t that bad, but bread just does something to me to where I gain weight. I woke up this morning having gained a pound. Ugh.

Here’s what I ate yesterday:  Slimfast shake (190); coffee with real half-and-half (50);  banana (90); high-protein Slimfast shake (180); vegetable noodle soup with meatballs (400?); milk (180); bagel with butter (400); French bread with butter (200); two Scotchmallow candies (150). Total:  1,840.

Today was better, although I had an odd morning. I drove the kids to school very early, and when I came home, I was cold and a little bit tired. I lay down for what I thought would be a few minutes, “just to warm up,” and woke up TWO HOURS later. I didn’t eat breakfast until 11:30. I got caught up in household tasks and didn’t work out or bother with lunch until after I picked the kids up from school. By the time I ate my salad, it was almost time for dinner, so I skipped my Slimfast lunch shake.

I worked out, though. I ran 3 miles on the treadmill. It was the first time I’ve been back on my own treadmill at home, which seems to be harsher and less cushiony than my mom’s. We’ll see how well my injured ankle will hold up to the workout.  While I was exercising, it was good. I actually hit a few of those moments where I was super-focused and felt very good.

Here’s my food diary for today:  Slimfast shake (190); coffee with half-and-half (60); big salad (2 cups romaine, diced carrots, diced tomatoes, and a tablespoon of ranch dressing) (250);  Lean Cuisine (320); milk (150); apple (80). Total:  1,050.

What’s interesting is that running takes away my appetite. Technically, I didn’t eat enough today, but I’m very full right now and in no mood to even think about cheating.

Tuesday

Well, I stuck with my plan, for the most part. I did cave and put real cream in my coffee instead of the fat-free half-and-half I had committed to use, but otherwise, things went OK. I worked out, using my strider machine for over 30 minutes. I didn’t really encounter any debilitating hunger today.

Here’s what I ate: South Beach Bar (190); coffee cream (I’m guessing about 100 calories total); orange (70); large salad with a tablespoon of ranch (250); Slimfast shake (190); 3 Chick-Fil-A chicken nuggets (120); milk (90); green beans (100); Lean Cuisine Parmesan Crusted Fish (290); two See’s Candies Scotchmallow candies (150). Total:  1,550. My goal has been to stay around 1,200-1,300, but I’m OK with 1,500 for today.

Learning From The Past

So. Here I am again.

I had this goal when I was at my parents’ house, that I would stick religiously with my plan and come home with a 5-pound loss.

That did not happen.

I did stick with my plan, at least much more than I typically have. I ran most days on my mom’s treadmill, easing my way back to 3 miles after having taken a break from running since Christmas due to an injury. I did a fairly decent job staying away from too much fattening food and too much wine.

But I did cave and have a couple of nights of abandon, where I ate and drank what I wanted. We also took a day trip to see some relatives, and during that day I indulged in a couple of desserts, as well as a pit stop at McDonald’s, where I ate chicken nuggets and French fries.

I weighed myself every day while away from home, and I have to say it was still surprising – despite my various indulgences – to see that I hadn’t really lost anything. I would have assumed that my semi-vigilance and my pretty intense workouts would have made a bigger difference.

Nonetheless, I returned home with resolve to just dig in and do this thing. I went back and read a bunch of the posts from when I started my plan 6 years ago. One thing I noticed is that after the first month or so, it wasn’t like I remained pristinely perfect with my eating habits. I recorded more than a few stumbles along the way – where I would fire up the oven and bake garlic bread and then eat way too much of it, or where I’d do that AND drink wine.

Yet I still steadily lost weight.

I was trying to figure out what the difference was.

I think one thing is age. I’m 6 years older now, and it’s just harder to get myself into a losing pattern. It takes more to gain momentum.

Also, I think it’s easy to see the cave-ins from before without acknowledging that before I started to slip up occasionally, I spent several weeks very diligantly sticking to my plan.

I made some small yet pretty dramatic lifestyle changes, too. Like, I gave up regular half-and-half in my coffee and replaced it with fat-free half-and-half. This doesn’t sound like a very dramatic change, but I actually think it was. I think it did something to my body to send the message that it had to dip into my fat stores rather than depend on new infusions of fat each morning. (Well, no, there’s no scientific evidence for that, but that’s how I felt when I gave up the good stuff and switched.)

I was vigilant and diligent for several weeks.

That’s what I’m going for this time around.

Here’s what I had yesterday:  Special K Nourish hot cereal (190); Red Lobster grilled shrimp skewers with vegetables (450); 2 cheddar bay biscuits (150 apiece, so 300 total); side salad with dressing on side (150); Slimfast high protein shake (180). Total:  1,270.

And here’s what I ate today:  Slimfast high protein shake made in the blender (190); banana (80); Slimfast ready-to-serve shake (180); large salad with 2 tablespoons dressing (300); zucchini (100); Lean Cuisine chicken fettuccine (250); 4 tsp parmesan cheese (50); milk (90); apple (80). Total:  1,320.

Back At Square 3

Over the past few weeks, I’ve been going at this thing in fits and starts. I’d have a few days of focus, lose a pound or two, and then either A) allow myself to get really hungry without planning good choices, which then led to binging; or B) deliberately purchase foods that would set me up to binge…which (unfortunately) would then happen. Consequently, although I’ve been exercising a lot more faithfully than I had in awhile (I’ve been working out just about every day, although I still haven’t been able to go for runs outside due to my ongoing recovery from a foot injury), I haven’t been able to get all the pieces in place to get some momentum going. I haven’t lost a whole lot of weight in the past month.

Yet I keep picking myself up and trying again. About a week ago, I needed to wear some of my good work clothes – the ones that fit fine just a year ago. I realized it had been quite awhile since I dressed up professionally…and I was dismayed to discover that my favorite skirts were snug, the jackets were obviously too snug, and a couple of the dresses were now so uncomfortably tight that I would never wear them.

This was pretty sobering. It’s so interesting how it goes for me when I gain weight.

When I reached my goal back in the fall of 2008, I was hovering in the low 150s, which is basically slim for me. I was wearing some size 8 jeans. I know that might be considered a “fat” size for a more petite person, but for me at 6 feet tall, size 8 is about as small as I want to get.

By the summer of 2009, my weight had crept up a few pounds, but I was still in the 150s. I stayed there until a family trip to Disney in October 2010. That was when I came home and discovered, to my shock and dismay, that the scale read 163. I immediately got back on the wagon and lost a few pounds…but that success was not actually good for me. It taught me that I could throw all restraints to the wind, gain some weight, and yet still get myself back down to my original weight without too much anguish.

This began a cycle where I gradually grew more and more careless. Instead of watching my portions, I would throw caution to the wind more often than not. I was running almost daily, though, so that seemed to offset some of my overeating. I was also still making a religious habit out of eating vegetables. Yet even with my vegetables, I grew increasingly careless. I would often binge on fresh tomatoes and ranch dressing.

The pounds crept back on. The low 160s became a more frequent sight on the scale. I’ve talked about this before, several times, but in 2011, when I started working more outside the home, I let up on my exercise habits. I wasn’t able to run as much as I had. By the end of that school year, I was 167. I stayed at 167 for awhile. 167 is not a very good weight for me. I had to put away all of my good jeans. Yet 167 still meant that I could look good enough in my professional clothes.

When I took a different full-time job, I left the 160s behind and my weight inched up into the 170s. The low 170s weren’t a whole lot different than the high 160s in terms of how my clothes fit me, but the high 170s – well, that’s a different story.

And that’s where I’ve been lately. I’m a good strong 25 pounds more than I was when I reached my goal. I’m not quite all the way back to 189.5, which was where I began my fitness journey in 2008. But I have flirted with the 180s from time to time, a really awful thing.

Something happened when I realized I could no longer fit comfortably into my mid-range clothes. It made me decide I had to get real and honest once and for all. I went back and re-read all the old posts from the early days of my diet in 2008. One thing that I had forgotten is how completely I stuck to my plan for the first few weeks. I know that most experts discourage a person from the “all-or-nothing” mentality, but for me, at least until I get some momentum going, I have to eat exactly what I commit to eating. I can’t open the door even a crack.

I’m visiting my parents this week. And I’ve been sticking with my plan. It actually hasn’t been that terribly hard. I have a very reachable goal in mind:  I want to come home on Saturday and see the scale read 175 or lower.

Something else I did a few days ago was read through Bob Greene’s old Make The Connection from 1995. Yes, that book is almost 20 years old, and yes, Oprah is basically fat again. But Bob Greene’s advice still resonates with me. His approach in that book (and not his later books, where he dumbs it down and tells people to take it in stages) has always worked for me. I think it has something to do with the way he lays it out in 10 steps. I also know that what he says about eliminating alcohol consumption is true for me. Drinking a glass of wine at night is truly one of the worst habits I developed. It would almost inevitably lead me to overeat…which would keep me from being successful.

So…

I have just stopped with the wine. It had actually become an unhealthy habit for me. Instead of having a glass on maybe one weekend night, I was having something almost every single night. And then consequently overeating almost every single night. I also know that I have to exercise more intensely and with more commitment. I can’t play games with myself and pretend that 3 days a week is going to help me get out of this hole that I’ve redug for myself.

I’m not exactly back at Square 1. And I’ve had a few really good days of just sticking with my plan. I feel good about it this time. I know it seems crazy, but this time my motivation is stronger than it’s been for a long while.

Here’s what I ate today:

Slimfast shake (190); orange (100); cauliflower (30); broccoli (50); Slimfast shake (190); Yoplait light Greek yogurt (100); zucchini (50); Lean Cuisine (320); milk (90); bite of chocolate chip cookie (35). Total: 1155.

Exercise: I ran 2.1 miles on my mom’s treadmill. It was the first time I’ve run since having to scale back exercise due to an injury. My foot and ankle have not bothered me today since the run, but I’m being careful and using my foot wrap tonight for added ankle stability. I actually really enjoyed getting back on the treadmill. My mom’s treadmill is excellent, much better than the one I have at home, and it felt so good to be running (even if it was a slower, shorter job) again.

Tuesday and Wednesday

The last couple of days have been fine. When I weigh myself, it doesn’t appear that I’ve lost anything at all, which is a little bit discouraging, but as far as plugging along goes – well, I just keep going. I’m not going to quit now, and I know that if I stick with my plan, eventually the pounds will start to come off. I have all the components in place. I’m exercising almost every day at a decent intensity. I’m getting several servings of fruits and vegetables (with a focus on vegetables). I’m exercising portion control through the use (mostly) of Slim-fast shakes and Lean Cuisines for dinner. Last night I did make a diet-friendly meal for the family, but aside from a small extra tablespoon of baked beans, I didn’t overdo it. I was able to control myself.

I figure eventually, the scale will have to give in.

Here’s my food tally for today:

Cereal mix (1/2 cup Kellogg’s Smart Start, 1/2 cup Fiber One, a total of 160 calories); milk (90); orange (80); Slim-Fast shake (190); big salad with romaine, cabbage, orange peppers, tomatoes, and ranch (250); broccoli (70); Lean Cuisine (290); milk (90); apple (90). Total: 1,310

Monday

Today has been one of those days where I’ve just stuck with things. I haven’t been overwhelmed with hunger or horribly tempted by anything. At the same time, I did have one of those moments this afternoon where this whole thing felt sort of pointless. I weighed myself today, and apparently the numbers aren’t coming down as quickly as it feels like they are. I have felt a lot lighter…but the numbers show that I’m only down about 6 pounds or so from the worst high, and I’ve stayed at this number for what seems like several days.

I continue to just push forward. I can’t stop and think about how boring things can get or how it can feel like it’s taking such a long time to get back down to what I used to think of as my “high” weight.

Here’s my daily tally: Slim-fast shake (190); orange (80); Huge salad (200); Slim-fast shake (190); large glass of milk (130); Stouffer’s turkey dinner (not a Lean Cuisine, but what feels like a huge portion, so worth the 450 calories); Weight Watchers brownie bite (90).

Total: 1,320

Sunday

Today was another day where it wasn’t especially difficult to stick with my plan. I did not get up early enough this morning to work out before church like I’d planned, but otherwise, I didn’t have a bunch of mental meltdowns where I was obsessing about food. After church, we went to Chipotle, where I got a bowl with chicken, black beans, romaine, green salsa, and a little bit of cheese. We got our food to go, so before I ate my bowl, I steamed some broccoli and had that as an appetizer. Halfway through the bowl, I could easily have stopped, but I did finish the whole thing even though I was no longer hungry.

That piece went against the new habits I’m trying to develop, where I’m mindful of hunger cues and stop eating when I’m full. I don’t know, it just tasted really good and I didn’t want to leave leftovers.

I wasn’t very hungry for the rest of the afternoon, so for dinner tonight I just had a bowl of my special cereal mix (1/2 cup Kellogg’s Smart Start, 1/2 cup original Fiber One).

Here’s a calorie tally: Special K Nourish hot cereal (190); 2 cups steamed broccoli (60); chicken bowl from Chipotle (I’m guessing about 550, if the grilled chicken was 220, the black beans were 220, and the cheese was 100); cereal mix (140); 1 cup of milk (90). Total: 1,030. I guess that’s not enough, so I may have an orange and some yogurt later on.

Day 6-and-Some

Today was a good day. For whatever reason, my mind was set ahead of time that I was not going to deviate from what I’d decided to do. When we went out for one of our “family adventures” and ended up at California Pizza Kitchen, I wasn’t even tempted to order and eat an entire pizza by myself. Instead, I asked if they had a side salad (it didn’t show up on the menu) and had that (dressing on the side) (it was actually an amazing salad, dinner plate sized with chopped tomatoes, cabbage, carrots, and romaine) along with a couple of pieces of my daughter’s cheese pizza. Honestly, it did not feel like a sacrifice at all. I was actually full as we left the restaurant.

When we went to Starbucks later in the afternoon, I just had regular coffee (a blonde roast pour-over). When I got home, I steamed some broccoli and made a Lean Cuisine.

It was really odd how my mind was just made up to stick with my plan, and it honestly was not difficult. It did not feel like I was deprived.

Here’s my food tally:  Special K Nourish hot cereal (190); CPK side salad (120?); 1/4 of a cheese pizza (300); broccoli (60); Lean Cuisine (320); milk (90). The total is only 1,080, so I may add a yogurt in a little while. I’m really loving the new Yoplait Greek Light yogurt, especially the mixed berry flavor. It’s just the perfect texture, not like other Greek yogurts that seem like eating straight-up sour cream, and it has the perfect little bit of sweetness and fruit flavor.

Five Days

I’ve been silent here since September because honestly, it has been discouraging to keep starting and re-starting the same old thing, only to go back and throw in the towel and admit defeat. And about the only thing worse than that is coming here and reading about my own supposed resolves that did not stick.

So I haven’t had much to say. Yes, in the meantime, I’ve started (and quit) another couple of serious attempts to deal with what I’ve come to think of as my disordered eating.

And no, I’m not anorexic or bulimic. I say my eating is “disordered” because although it’s nothing life-threatening, I definitely have ongoing struggles with some habits and thoughts about food that are disordered and dysfunctional, thoughts and habits that get in the way of the person I want to be. The biggest one of these is that I have a mindset where I look to unlimited amounts of food for entertainment. Way back in 2008, I talked about how Crazed-Addict Fatgirl lives in my thoughts and often takes over my thoughts. Crazed-Addict Fatgirl is, quite literally, crazy. She’s irrational. When I’m hungry, particularly when I haven’t been eating a balanced diet, she invades my brain with thoughts of binging on certain foods, and in the heat of the moment, I will listen to her insane whispers…and the most bizarre thing is, those insane whispers will actually seem to make sense.

In the heat of the moment.

I haven’t wanted to think or talk about Crazed-Addict Fatgirl for a long while. She was basically vanquished back throughout 2008 and most of 2009, making the occasional appearance but always vanquish-able again. Sometime around 2010, though, it was like I hit a certain point with my exercise and eating habits and the number on the scale where Crazed-Addict Fatgirl’s voice gained strength. And always, even when I would come here and write about throwing myself back into food prison and getting back on the wagon and all those things, I didn’t want to dig out the root of my real problem again. I wanted to pretend that Crazed-Addict Fatgirl had been permanently weakened, and that all I had to do was restrain myself for a week or two and it would all work out.

Never mind that every time I’d attempt to restrain myself, Crazed-Addict Fatgirl’s crazy voice was right there in my thoughts again, whispering her irrational-yet-rational-in-the-moment ideas.

Well, I’ve been in a different place lately. Lately, I’ve been thinking about disordered eating and my willingness to deal with my actual issues once again. I’m ready to acknowledge Crazed-Addict Fatgirl’s renewed strength in my thoughts…and how I have to break the disordered habits she brings.

I’ve been following my plan for five solid days, with a few other days last week where I began putting the good habits in place. I’m not really sure how much weight I’ve lost so far, because this morning I discovered that my scale has a missing leveler and is consequently not measuring accurately. I ordered a new scale that should be here tomorrow or Monday, but until then, I can take educated guesses.

I had a couple of shocking days around Christmas, and then another couple of terribly shocking days a few weeks ago, where my weight crept up as high as 184 (on an accurate scale at my parents’ house, by the way!). This is only 5.5 pounds lower than my highest high of 6 years ago, when I started this blog. This morning on the broken scale, I weighed in at 176. It will be interesting to see what the real number is…but I’ve lost a few pounds, I’m sure.

I’m focusing mostly on eating lots of vegetables and exercising every day. I injured my ankle while running before Christmas. It’s better now, but I still need to be careful and avoid high-impact exercise, so I’ve been using my elliptical as well as my weird combination stepper/climber, typically for a half hour or so. I work out pretty intensely. 

The biggest thing for me, as always, is portion control. Tonight I actually exercised a surprising (for me) level of portion control. I had to make some sandwiches on fresh French bread for an activity my kids were going to, and the French bread was so fresh and looked so wonderful that I found myself cutting a slice before dinner. Bread (along with a glass of wine) (I think it’s some sort of communion thing with me!) is a HUGE weakness for me, particularly if I’m really hungry.

I’d come home from the grocery store and made myself a huge salad full of wonderful ingredients (romaine, chopped purple cabbage, chopped orange bell peppers, two teaspoons of sliced black olives, 3 small chopped camparo tomatoes, 2 tablespoons low-fat balsamic vinaigrette, lots of cracked pepper and some sea salt to cut the overly sweet flavor of the dressing). That did help to curb my appetite, but the irrational whispers of Crazed-Addict Fatgirl still echoed through my thoughts as I prepared sandwiches with the French bread. I was seriously looking at the smallish slice and thinking, “This could just be the beginning, I could just eat the rest of this loaf and oh, maybe pour a glass of wine, because after all, it IS Friday!”

That’s how Crazed-Addict Fatgirl talks in my head. She takes over my thoughts, and in that moment as I am contemplating the unending pleasures of the bread, and the pleasantly relaxed effects of the wine, the goals that i have for myself – such as the desire to get out of this rut and be able to fit into my better clothes and FEEL BETTER about myself and my health – won’t seem important at all. In fact, I’ll get this crazy surge of irrational excitement as I anticipate how great it will be to buckle down and go back to my plan after I overindulge in whatever indulgence I’m contemplating.

And no, it makes no sense! None of this does! I’m as bad as the drug addicts I used to pity on that old show Celebrity Rehab with Dr. Drew. I’ve written about this before, how amazing it used to be to watch these heroin addicts sitting around talking about their fixes and fantasizing about being able to go out with their friends again, and maybe being where the drugs were, but (they claimed to themselves) they wouldn’t actually use again, they’d just be there for the fellowship. Or something. But it was absolutely crazy. Everyone else knew it, knew that they were setting themselves up to have an excuse to jump off the wagon and never get back on. That’s precisely what would happen, what did happen, to quite a few of the D-list celebrities who appeared on that show.

I’m not chemically addicted to bread or any of these other foods the way a heroin addict needs his opiates. But the addicted thought process is very much the same.

It’s delusional.

It’s Crazed-Addict Fatgirl.

But so far, I’ve done OK with putting her voice outside of my thoughts. Tonight, I did have one piece of bread. And yeah, I did butter it lightly. But I tried to be mindful as I ate it. I focused on tasting it. And then I went ahead and prepared my Lean Cuisine and savored that.

And you know what? It wasn’t hard. Not too terribly hard, anyway. I was satisfied with one slice of bread, and the Crazed-Addict Fatgirl moment faded. Right now, I’m not sitting here obsessing about binging on anything.

I believe I can do this. I’m five days in, five days into following my vegetable-heavy food plan, sort of a homemade Jenny Craig plan. 

Here’s what I ate today: Slim-Fast shake (190); orange (75); gigantic salad with 2 cups romaine (20), 1 cup chopped cabbage (20), 1/2 cup chopped orange bell peppers (20); 2 tablespoons sliced olives (50); 3 small tomatoes (75), 2 tablespoons vinaigrette (70); another Slim-Fast shake (190); slice of French bread (100); butter (40); Lean Cuisine (360); 12 ounces milk (135); Weight Watchers brownie (90). Total: 1,435.

Day 2

I made it through another day.  I had a whole lot of weak moments.  Last night I found out that I’ll be traveling out of state to attend a relative’s funeral, and almost immediately, all I could think of was how hard it would be to stick with any sort of restrictive food plan.  Today, as I ran around packing and thought some more about the next week, I started to feel like I might as well give up now and then start again when I return home.  I entertained the thought of ordering a big soothing Jimmy Johns sandwich.

But I didn’t.

I didn’t order the sandwich, and I didn’t give up.

Even though it would have been so easy, I plugged along.  Instead of ordering pizza with my 50% off coupon (good today only…and with everything so busy right now, it would have been the easy way to take care of dinner), I had a Lean Cuisine, salad, and broccoli.

I am making plans for tomorrow, bringing snacks and even taking some vegetables along for the trip.  I already can feel that I am losing weight…I want to keep plugging along.  I want to stick with this.