Over the past few weeks, I’ve been going at this thing in fits and starts. I’d have a few days of focus, lose a pound or two, and then either A) allow myself to get really hungry without planning good choices, which then led to binging; or B) deliberately purchase foods that would set me up to binge…which (unfortunately) would then happen. Consequently, although I’ve been exercising a lot more faithfully than I had in awhile (I’ve been working out just about every day, although I still haven’t been able to go for runs outside due to my ongoing recovery from a foot injury), I haven’t been able to get all the pieces in place to get some momentum going. I haven’t lost a whole lot of weight in the past month.
Yet I keep picking myself up and trying again. About a week ago, I needed to wear some of my good work clothes – the ones that fit fine just a year ago. I realized it had been quite awhile since I dressed up professionally…and I was dismayed to discover that my favorite skirts were snug, the jackets were obviously too snug, and a couple of the dresses were now so uncomfortably tight that I would never wear them.
This was pretty sobering. It’s so interesting how it goes for me when I gain weight.
When I reached my goal back in the fall of 2008, I was hovering in the low 150s, which is basically slim for me. I was wearing some size 8 jeans. I know that might be considered a “fat” size for a more petite person, but for me at 6 feet tall, size 8 is about as small as I want to get.
By the summer of 2009, my weight had crept up a few pounds, but I was still in the 150s. I stayed there until a family trip to Disney in October 2010. That was when I came home and discovered, to my shock and dismay, that the scale read 163. I immediately got back on the wagon and lost a few pounds…but that success was not actually good for me. It taught me that I could throw all restraints to the wind, gain some weight, and yet still get myself back down to my original weight without too much anguish.
This began a cycle where I gradually grew more and more careless. Instead of watching my portions, I would throw caution to the wind more often than not. I was running almost daily, though, so that seemed to offset some of my overeating. I was also still making a religious habit out of eating vegetables. Yet even with my vegetables, I grew increasingly careless. I would often binge on fresh tomatoes and ranch dressing.
The pounds crept back on. The low 160s became a more frequent sight on the scale. I’ve talked about this before, several times, but in 2011, when I started working more outside the home, I let up on my exercise habits. I wasn’t able to run as much as I had. By the end of that school year, I was 167. I stayed at 167 for awhile. 167 is not a very good weight for me. I had to put away all of my good jeans. Yet 167 still meant that I could look good enough in my professional clothes.
When I took a different full-time job, I left the 160s behind and my weight inched up into the 170s. The low 170s weren’t a whole lot different than the high 160s in terms of how my clothes fit me, but the high 170s – well, that’s a different story.
And that’s where I’ve been lately. I’m a good strong 25 pounds more than I was when I reached my goal. I’m not quite all the way back to 189.5, which was where I began my fitness journey in 2008. But I have flirted with the 180s from time to time, a really awful thing.
Something happened when I realized I could no longer fit comfortably into my mid-range clothes. It made me decide I had to get real and honest once and for all. I went back and re-read all the old posts from the early days of my diet in 2008. One thing that I had forgotten is how completely I stuck to my plan for the first few weeks. I know that most experts discourage a person from the “all-or-nothing” mentality, but for me, at least until I get some momentum going, I have to eat exactly what I commit to eating. I can’t open the door even a crack.
I’m visiting my parents this week. And I’ve been sticking with my plan. It actually hasn’t been that terribly hard. I have a very reachable goal in mind: I want to come home on Saturday and see the scale read 175 or lower.
Something else I did a few days ago was read through Bob Greene’s old Make The Connection from 1995. Yes, that book is almost 20 years old, and yes, Oprah is basically fat again. But Bob Greene’s advice still resonates with me. His approach in that book (and not his later books, where he dumbs it down and tells people to take it in stages) has always worked for me. I think it has something to do with the way he lays it out in 10 steps. I also know that what he says about eliminating alcohol consumption is true for me. Drinking a glass of wine at night is truly one of the worst habits I developed. It would almost inevitably lead me to overeat…which would keep me from being successful.
So…
I have just stopped with the wine. It had actually become an unhealthy habit for me. Instead of having a glass on maybe one weekend night, I was having something almost every single night. And then consequently overeating almost every single night. I also know that I have to exercise more intensely and with more commitment. I can’t play games with myself and pretend that 3 days a week is going to help me get out of this hole that I’ve redug for myself.
I’m not exactly back at Square 1. And I’ve had a few really good days of just sticking with my plan. I feel good about it this time. I know it seems crazy, but this time my motivation is stronger than it’s been for a long while.
Here’s what I ate today:
Slimfast shake (190); orange (100); cauliflower (30); broccoli (50); Slimfast shake (190); Yoplait light Greek yogurt (100); zucchini (50); Lean Cuisine (320); milk (90); bite of chocolate chip cookie (35). Total: 1155.
Exercise: I ran 2.1 miles on my mom’s treadmill. It was the first time I’ve run since having to scale back exercise due to an injury. My foot and ankle have not bothered me today since the run, but I’m being careful and using my foot wrap tonight for added ankle stability. I actually really enjoyed getting back on the treadmill. My mom’s treadmill is excellent, much better than the one I have at home, and it felt so good to be running (even if it was a slower, shorter job) again.
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