Tuesday and Wednesday

The last couple of days have been fine. When I weigh myself, it doesn’t appear that I’ve lost anything at all, which is a little bit discouraging, but as far as plugging along goes – well, I just keep going. I’m not going to quit now, and I know that if I stick with my plan, eventually the pounds will start to come off. I have all the components in place. I’m exercising almost every day at a decent intensity. I’m getting several servings of fruits and vegetables (with a focus on vegetables). I’m exercising portion control through the use (mostly) of Slim-fast shakes and Lean Cuisines for dinner. Last night I did make a diet-friendly meal for the family, but aside from a small extra tablespoon of baked beans, I didn’t overdo it. I was able to control myself.

I figure eventually, the scale will have to give in.

Here’s my food tally for today:

Cereal mix (1/2 cup Kellogg’s Smart Start, 1/2 cup Fiber One, a total of 160 calories); milk (90); orange (80); Slim-Fast shake (190); big salad with romaine, cabbage, orange peppers, tomatoes, and ranch (250); broccoli (70); Lean Cuisine (290); milk (90); apple (90). Total: 1,310

Monday

Today has been one of those days where I’ve just stuck with things. I haven’t been overwhelmed with hunger or horribly tempted by anything. At the same time, I did have one of those moments this afternoon where this whole thing felt sort of pointless. I weighed myself today, and apparently the numbers aren’t coming down as quickly as it feels like they are. I have felt a lot lighter…but the numbers show that I’m only down about 6 pounds or so from the worst high, and I’ve stayed at this number for what seems like several days.

I continue to just push forward. I can’t stop and think about how boring things can get or how it can feel like it’s taking such a long time to get back down to what I used to think of as my “high” weight.

Here’s my daily tally: Slim-fast shake (190); orange (80); Huge salad (200); Slim-fast shake (190); large glass of milk (130); Stouffer’s turkey dinner (not a Lean Cuisine, but what feels like a huge portion, so worth the 450 calories); Weight Watchers brownie bite (90).

Total: 1,320

Sunday

Today was another day where it wasn’t especially difficult to stick with my plan. I did not get up early enough this morning to work out before church like I’d planned, but otherwise, I didn’t have a bunch of mental meltdowns where I was obsessing about food. After church, we went to Chipotle, where I got a bowl with chicken, black beans, romaine, green salsa, and a little bit of cheese. We got our food to go, so before I ate my bowl, I steamed some broccoli and had that as an appetizer. Halfway through the bowl, I could easily have stopped, but I did finish the whole thing even though I was no longer hungry.

That piece went against the new habits I’m trying to develop, where I’m mindful of hunger cues and stop eating when I’m full. I don’t know, it just tasted really good and I didn’t want to leave leftovers.

I wasn’t very hungry for the rest of the afternoon, so for dinner tonight I just had a bowl of my special cereal mix (1/2 cup Kellogg’s Smart Start, 1/2 cup original Fiber One).

Here’s a calorie tally: Special K Nourish hot cereal (190); 2 cups steamed broccoli (60); chicken bowl from Chipotle (I’m guessing about 550, if the grilled chicken was 220, the black beans were 220, and the cheese was 100); cereal mix (140); 1 cup of milk (90). Total: 1,030. I guess that’s not enough, so I may have an orange and some yogurt later on.

Day 6-and-Some

Today was a good day. For whatever reason, my mind was set ahead of time that I was not going to deviate from what I’d decided to do. When we went out for one of our “family adventures” and ended up at California Pizza Kitchen, I wasn’t even tempted to order and eat an entire pizza by myself. Instead, I asked if they had a side salad (it didn’t show up on the menu) and had that (dressing on the side) (it was actually an amazing salad, dinner plate sized with chopped tomatoes, cabbage, carrots, and romaine) along with a couple of pieces of my daughter’s cheese pizza. Honestly, it did not feel like a sacrifice at all. I was actually full as we left the restaurant.

When we went to Starbucks later in the afternoon, I just had regular coffee (a blonde roast pour-over). When I got home, I steamed some broccoli and made a Lean Cuisine.

It was really odd how my mind was just made up to stick with my plan, and it honestly was not difficult. It did not feel like I was deprived.

Here’s my food tally:  Special K Nourish hot cereal (190); CPK side salad (120?); 1/4 of a cheese pizza (300); broccoli (60); Lean Cuisine (320); milk (90). The total is only 1,080, so I may add a yogurt in a little while. I’m really loving the new Yoplait Greek Light yogurt, especially the mixed berry flavor. It’s just the perfect texture, not like other Greek yogurts that seem like eating straight-up sour cream, and it has the perfect little bit of sweetness and fruit flavor.

Five Days

I’ve been silent here since September because honestly, it has been discouraging to keep starting and re-starting the same old thing, only to go back and throw in the towel and admit defeat. And about the only thing worse than that is coming here and reading about my own supposed resolves that did not stick.

So I haven’t had much to say. Yes, in the meantime, I’ve started (and quit) another couple of serious attempts to deal with what I’ve come to think of as my disordered eating.

And no, I’m not anorexic or bulimic. I say my eating is “disordered” because although it’s nothing life-threatening, I definitely have ongoing struggles with some habits and thoughts about food that are disordered and dysfunctional, thoughts and habits that get in the way of the person I want to be. The biggest one of these is that I have a mindset where I look to unlimited amounts of food for entertainment. Way back in 2008, I talked about how Crazed-Addict Fatgirl lives in my thoughts and often takes over my thoughts. Crazed-Addict Fatgirl is, quite literally, crazy. She’s irrational. When I’m hungry, particularly when I haven’t been eating a balanced diet, she invades my brain with thoughts of binging on certain foods, and in the heat of the moment, I will listen to her insane whispers…and the most bizarre thing is, those insane whispers will actually seem to make sense.

In the heat of the moment.

I haven’t wanted to think or talk about Crazed-Addict Fatgirl for a long while. She was basically vanquished back throughout 2008 and most of 2009, making the occasional appearance but always vanquish-able again. Sometime around 2010, though, it was like I hit a certain point with my exercise and eating habits and the number on the scale where Crazed-Addict Fatgirl’s voice gained strength. And always, even when I would come here and write about throwing myself back into food prison and getting back on the wagon and all those things, I didn’t want to dig out the root of my real problem again. I wanted to pretend that Crazed-Addict Fatgirl had been permanently weakened, and that all I had to do was restrain myself for a week or two and it would all work out.

Never mind that every time I’d attempt to restrain myself, Crazed-Addict Fatgirl’s crazy voice was right there in my thoughts again, whispering her irrational-yet-rational-in-the-moment ideas.

Well, I’ve been in a different place lately. Lately, I’ve been thinking about disordered eating and my willingness to deal with my actual issues once again. I’m ready to acknowledge Crazed-Addict Fatgirl’s renewed strength in my thoughts…and how I have to break the disordered habits she brings.

I’ve been following my plan for five solid days, with a few other days last week where I began putting the good habits in place. I’m not really sure how much weight I’ve lost so far, because this morning I discovered that my scale has a missing leveler and is consequently not measuring accurately. I ordered a new scale that should be here tomorrow or Monday, but until then, I can take educated guesses.

I had a couple of shocking days around Christmas, and then another couple of terribly shocking days a few weeks ago, where my weight crept up as high as 184 (on an accurate scale at my parents’ house, by the way!). This is only 5.5 pounds lower than my highest high of 6 years ago, when I started this blog. This morning on the broken scale, I weighed in at 176. It will be interesting to see what the real number is…but I’ve lost a few pounds, I’m sure.

I’m focusing mostly on eating lots of vegetables and exercising every day. I injured my ankle while running before Christmas. It’s better now, but I still need to be careful and avoid high-impact exercise, so I’ve been using my elliptical as well as my weird combination stepper/climber, typically for a half hour or so. I work out pretty intensely. 

The biggest thing for me, as always, is portion control. Tonight I actually exercised a surprising (for me) level of portion control. I had to make some sandwiches on fresh French bread for an activity my kids were going to, and the French bread was so fresh and looked so wonderful that I found myself cutting a slice before dinner. Bread (along with a glass of wine) (I think it’s some sort of communion thing with me!) is a HUGE weakness for me, particularly if I’m really hungry.

I’d come home from the grocery store and made myself a huge salad full of wonderful ingredients (romaine, chopped purple cabbage, chopped orange bell peppers, two teaspoons of sliced black olives, 3 small chopped camparo tomatoes, 2 tablespoons low-fat balsamic vinaigrette, lots of cracked pepper and some sea salt to cut the overly sweet flavor of the dressing). That did help to curb my appetite, but the irrational whispers of Crazed-Addict Fatgirl still echoed through my thoughts as I prepared sandwiches with the French bread. I was seriously looking at the smallish slice and thinking, “This could just be the beginning, I could just eat the rest of this loaf and oh, maybe pour a glass of wine, because after all, it IS Friday!”

That’s how Crazed-Addict Fatgirl talks in my head. She takes over my thoughts, and in that moment as I am contemplating the unending pleasures of the bread, and the pleasantly relaxed effects of the wine, the goals that i have for myself – such as the desire to get out of this rut and be able to fit into my better clothes and FEEL BETTER about myself and my health – won’t seem important at all. In fact, I’ll get this crazy surge of irrational excitement as I anticipate how great it will be to buckle down and go back to my plan after I overindulge in whatever indulgence I’m contemplating.

And no, it makes no sense! None of this does! I’m as bad as the drug addicts I used to pity on that old show Celebrity Rehab with Dr. Drew. I’ve written about this before, how amazing it used to be to watch these heroin addicts sitting around talking about their fixes and fantasizing about being able to go out with their friends again, and maybe being where the drugs were, but (they claimed to themselves) they wouldn’t actually use again, they’d just be there for the fellowship. Or something. But it was absolutely crazy. Everyone else knew it, knew that they were setting themselves up to have an excuse to jump off the wagon and never get back on. That’s precisely what would happen, what did happen, to quite a few of the D-list celebrities who appeared on that show.

I’m not chemically addicted to bread or any of these other foods the way a heroin addict needs his opiates. But the addicted thought process is very much the same.

It’s delusional.

It’s Crazed-Addict Fatgirl.

But so far, I’ve done OK with putting her voice outside of my thoughts. Tonight, I did have one piece of bread. And yeah, I did butter it lightly. But I tried to be mindful as I ate it. I focused on tasting it. And then I went ahead and prepared my Lean Cuisine and savored that.

And you know what? It wasn’t hard. Not too terribly hard, anyway. I was satisfied with one slice of bread, and the Crazed-Addict Fatgirl moment faded. Right now, I’m not sitting here obsessing about binging on anything.

I believe I can do this. I’m five days in, five days into following my vegetable-heavy food plan, sort of a homemade Jenny Craig plan. 

Here’s what I ate today: Slim-Fast shake (190); orange (75); gigantic salad with 2 cups romaine (20), 1 cup chopped cabbage (20), 1/2 cup chopped orange bell peppers (20); 2 tablespoons sliced olives (50); 3 small tomatoes (75), 2 tablespoons vinaigrette (70); another Slim-Fast shake (190); slice of French bread (100); butter (40); Lean Cuisine (360); 12 ounces milk (135); Weight Watchers brownie (90). Total: 1,435.