Still here

I’m still plugging along.

In case anyone was wondering.

My weight stays around 158, give or take a couple of pounds.  And it only stays in that range because I continue to renew my commitment to this lifestyle every single day.

It’s not easy.  In fact, lately, I’ve become plagued by Crazed Addict Fatgirl even on days when I make up my mind to refrain from over-indulging.  It’s almost hard to remember what it was like to be so committed to my new ways that I did not WANT to eat junk food or pig out with no restraint. 

I do know that after I got going and stayed committed for several days in a row, Crazed Addict Fatgirl’s lying voice got much fainter, much less powerful.  But it’s been several weeks since I’ve had more than one “good day” in a row.  I think that’s definitely part of the problem.  My old mindset of using food for entertainment – of deliberately seeking out unlimited amounts of the fattening foods I enjoy – is so easily resurrected.  All it takes is a few days of caving to Crazed Addict Fatgirl, and I start to absolutely CHAFFE at any sort of restriction when I try to “get back in the saddle.”

Yesterday was a great case in point.

My resolve is the strongest throughout the morning.  It tends to wane as the day wears on.  Yesterday afternoon, I found myself sitting around, toying with the idea of going to Chick-Fil-A for lunch.  I actually prayed that I’d be able to resist the temptation.  I needed to go out to the store, and it’d be way too easy to swing on over to where Chick-Fil-A is located.

I went ahead and had a Slim-Fast instead.  I knew that I’d feel too full to be enticed by large amounts of fast food once I’d had my shake.

I went to the store, did my errand.  As I was getting back into my car, I realized that I was NOT satisfied with just the Slim-Fast.  I still was not going to go to Chick-Fil-A, but I suddenly remembered the bag of barbecue potato chips that I’d bought a week or two ago.  Immediately, I knew what I was going to do.

And this is where Crazed Addict Fatgirl comes in.

A part of me really did NOT want to eat a bunch of chips.  But then a larger part of me totally did, and Crazed Addict Fatgirl came and took possession of my thoughts.  When Crazed Addict Fatgirl is in residence, she has me convinced that wolfing down as many potato chips as I can stand will not hurt me.  I actually get this weird giddy rush of excitement as I contemplate how much fun the over-indulgence is going to be.  I feel a sort of bizarre “high” about it.  I’m carefree and full of anticipation, and at that moment, I utterly do not care about eating healthy foods, eating well, keeping my weight within a good range, or fitting into my clothes.

It’s really strange.

So I came home and ripped open the chip bag, poured a huge glass of Diet Coke, and sat down to zone out and eat.  I think I put away half the bag before getting sick of the taste.  At one point, I realized that I was almost not able to eat the chips fast enough, so great was my weird urgency to keep the barbecue flavor inside my mouth.

Strange strange strange.

I didn’t really feel too bad afterward.  Sometimes, especially after having too many potato chips, I actually feel sick, but not yesterday.  Later, I felt regret.  But in the moment – it’s crazy. 

It’s Crazed Addict Fatgirl.

I’m pretty sure I will always be plagued by this…CREATURE.  I do know that her voice gets fainter if I don’t indulge her bizarre whims.  I do know that if I could just resist her possession, if I could just distract myself from her lures, she does lose power over me.

These days, I have a much more heartfelt sympathy for those “loser” alcoholics or drug addicts who keep falling off the wagon.  I know what it’s like.  My thoughts lie to me…and I choose to believe their lies.  I eat the foods that trigger more lying thoughts…which puts me right back into the out-of-control cycle, where I feel powerless to resist food.  It’s definitely an addiction.

I’ve been cleaning out my closet, and I am NOT tossing all my fat-chick clothes.  Instead, I’m putting them in clear plastic bins down in the basement.  I hope that with my daily renewed commitment, I never will need them again.  I do continue to eat my fruits and vegetables, and I do exercise intensely just about every day.  But my addictive personality – the part of me that slips so easily into the habit of using an over-indulgence of fattening foods for entertainment – puts me at real risk of being fat again.

I need to quit lying to myself.

I need to put Crazed Addict Fatgirl in her place.

I need to remember that once I get past the first couple of days, it’s REALLY NOT THAT HARD to exercise portion control.

I’m heading out to my parents’ place for a two-week vacation, and in a bizarre way, I’m actually thinking that it will be easier to get back into a groove over there.  My mom and dad have been complaining greatly of money woes and aren’t doing nearly the dining out and the self-indulgent eating that they’ve done in the past.  When I was out there last time, it was easy to fend for myself and just have a Lean Cuisine for dinner, and dinner is when I struggle the most.  Dinner, and stupid junk food snacks like potato chips.

So I’m still here.  Still committed.  Still plugging along.  With a renewed commitment to quit listening to lying Crazed Addict Fatgirl.

Keeping it together over a long weekend…

I’m in sort of a groove and not finding it terribly difficult to keep going.  I weighed in the other day at 167.8, which is the lowest number I’ve seen so far.  My size 14 jeans, which used to be so uncomfortably tight that I’d NEVER wear them, fit well now, to the point where they feel sort of baggy when I’m walking around.  Another 10 pounds, and I will actually NEED to get some new clothes, as even my old “skinny” clothes will be too big.  That alone is enough motivation to keep me on the “straight and narrow.”

But the thing is, it hasn’t actually FELT like the “straight and narrow” – my plan, my new habits, haven’t felt terribly restrictive.  For the most part, I’m enjoying feeling better, feeling healthier.  I have a lot more energy than I used to.  Also, I’ve hit that mindset where it feels more like a game to figure out choices that won’t interfere with my plan.  As it was in days of old, years ago, when I was at my lowest weight ever (which for me, being six feet tall, was in the mid to upper 140s…and I was downright skinny at that weight), I find that if I just focus on incorporating two servings of vegetables and two servings of fruit into my food choices each day, the rest sort of takes care of itself.

For instance, yesterday we went to PF Chang’s, my favorite “Chinese” food restaurant ever.  (“Chinese” is in quotes because Chang’s isn’t exactly straight-up traditional Chinese food…it’s more “Asian bistro.”)  My favorite dish at Chang’s is Kung Pao Chicken.  Prior to starting my plan, I actually made myself sick one night by eating an entire platter of Kung Pao Chicken ALL BY MYSELF.  There’s something about the spiciness that just gets to me.  I find it incredibly addictive.

Well, yesterday, we went to Chang’s, and I had the Kung Pao Chicken on my mind.  So I decided that I would have some.  But first, I ordered the “Buddha’s Feast,” which is their steamed veggies.  I ate almost the entire thing, as it was mostly asparagus tips, a few pieces of broccoli, a few carrots, and some mushrooms.  (I ended up sharing a lot of the veggies with my kids, who kept asking for more – and why would I ever want to tell them “no” to vegetables???  I’d have to turn in my “Mom” license!  🙂 )

After all those veggies, I found that a small spoon of Kung Pao Chicken was more than enough, along with a small spoon of brown rice.  I probably had about a quarter of what I’ve eaten in the past.

Now, the Kung Pao Chicken is still an extremely high-calorie choice off their menu.  I wouldn’t eat it every day, or even once a week.  But since we don’t go to Chang’s all that often, it was OK to “indulge” a little.  And oddly, as I keep finding, a small amount is more than satisfying.

Saturday I did have an evening of some bad choices.  But they were rather deliberate bad choices, as I had a terrible hankering for Caesar’s salad.  I made a special trip to the store just to get some fresh hearts of romaine, which I then chopped and mixed liberally with creamy Caesar dressing, a bunch of fresh croutons, cracked pepper, and grated parmesan cheese.  It was fabulous.  I also made garlic bread, and Hubby grilled steak.  I ate large portions of everything and had a small glass of white wine.

The next morning – yesterday morning – I actually weighed myself and discovered that I’d gained a pound, up to 168.8 from 167.8.  That was enough to make me settle back in to my better habits. 

But I think a planned indulgence – as long as it is not more than once every couple of weeks – is not so bad.  At least it keeps me from feeling totally crazed and deprived.

But getting back to adding in veggies as a diet trick…well, it really does work.  Today I grabbed a bag of cut cauliflower, broccoli, and carrots and a container of ranch dressing to take with us on our outing to the museum.  When we stopped at Chipotle, I got my customary two chicken tacos lightly sprinkled with chicken, black beans, green salsa, and a very little bit of cheese.  Because I’d eaten that bag of veggies beforehand, I couldn’t finish the second taco.  The whole lunch was very satisfying.  It felt like just as much of a treat as a giant full-sized burrito had ever felt, and I didn’t end up feeling sick or bloated…and I was wearing my newly loose size 14 jeans.

Most excellent.

I’m going to keep plodding along.  I keep telling myself that I will get some new clothes once I hit the 150s.  I’ll need them by then!