Start of the weekend…

Well, weekends have typically caused me to throw restraint to the wind and just pig out.  That didn’t happen tonight, though.  It was funny – although my husband came home from Costco with some amazing filets and mentioned grilling, I wasn’t that hungry.  I actually told him that I was more in the mood to just make do with a Lean Cuisine.

So I did.

He also said that he’d prefer one of the frozen skillet meals I’d bought.

The kids had had a very late lunch/dinner and weren’t particularly hungry.  The oldest had an activity with friends.  So that took care of dinner for them.

I did have a large glass of red wine while we sat in the back yard by our outdoor fireplace tonight.  And I did have a few chips.  I resisted the urge to open a new bag and instead made do with the handful of crumbs that were left in the old bag.  So it was a much MUCH more restrained snack.

I worked out for 40 minutes today on a new machine I’m absolutely in love with – it’s the Precor AMT (Adaptive Motion Trainer).  My kids wanted to go swimming at the indoor pool at the rec center down the road, and I decided to work out while they swam.  If I had $8,100 lying around, I’d buy one of those machines for myself.  But alas…for now, I’ll just make do with the one at the rec center, when I can get over there.  This machine is just amazing – it’s sort of like an elliptical, but depending upon how you shift your weight and how you move, the range of motion changes.  You can really work your legs, as though you’re on a stairstepper.  Or you can practically hit a runner’s stride.  I adore this machine!

Like I said, I used it for 40 minutes, and according to the display, I burned 500 calories.  It feels like a really challenging workout and is so much more interesting than running on a treadmill.

Overall, I feel pretty good about today.  I made some effort to eat vegetables (a large plate of broccoli and a couple of small tomatoes, and some spinach with my Lean Cuisine).  I didn’t pig out on endless Caesar salad and steak for dinner.  I did drink some wine (probably 300 calories’ worth) and I did steal a few French fries from one of the kids earlier in the day.  And oh, I did have a few chips.

But overall, this has been the most restrained Friday I can remember in about a year.

I feel really good about this effort.  It will be interesting to see if the scale reflects any change tomorrow – if the wine will cause me to gain weight, or if there will be a drop.

Thinking About It

For the past 10 or 12 days, I’ve been trying.

Trying to get back into a healthier relationship with food.

Like I said in my last post, after taking off close to 40 pounds and keeping off about 35 of those pounds for 3 solid years, I watched my weight gradually creep up over the past year.  I started this blog in March 2008, and I was at my goal weight (the low 150s) sometime around September or October 2008.  I gained maybe 5 or 7 pounds but held steady in the high 150s until October 2010.  At the beginning of 2011, I started a (temporary) full-time job which left me too tired and with too little time most days to work out.  When I started that job, I weighed 162.  By the time the job ended in June 2011, I was in the high 160s.  Throughout the summer, the scale inched up a couple more pounds.  I began to hit the low 170s on a regular basis.

I wasn’t OK with this.  I felt bad about it.  But at the same time I had totally backslid into my old attitudes about food most of the time.  There would be a day or three here and there where I got earnest and tried to buckle down…but then I would always slip back into my old thinking, where I’d tell myself that I was holding steady and that it didn’t matter that much – that I could eat unlimited quantities of whatever food I felt like having in the moment and it wouldn’t hurt me.

After my job ended, I did resume my workouts, for the most part.  But I slipped out of the habit of focusing on vegetables, which added to the imbalances in my eating.

At one point I started reading Made To Crave,  a book that looks at eating habits from a biblical perspective.  When I first began the book, I wasn’t sure I wanted to attach spiritual significance to food.  I’m actually STILL not totally sure that I agree with making food and food choices into something more than what they are on a practical level.  But I do have to say that elements of the book have resonated with me.  I have the book on my Kindle, and I’ve read it in fits and starts, whenever I’ve gotten alarmed at the numbers of the scale and am seeking motivation.

A couple of weeks ago, I really did have a sort of “come to Jesus” moment in my thinking.  I don’t know that it was connected – much – to my readings from Made To Crave.  I was reading a chapter here or there prior to this moment.  So maybe some of the ideas were in the back of my mind.  But mostly, I forced myself to confront the reality of what I was doing to myself with my foolish re-embracing of the old attitudes about “cheating” and pigging out and viewing unlimited quantities of food as an essential part of what makes certain experiences enjoyable.  I was not happy about weighing in at 173, and I was not happy about the idea of going through a summer and not feeling good about having watched my weight creep up.  I really would love to be able to wear some of my old skinny summer clothes (from 2, 3, or 4 years ago).

So I’ve been making a concerted effort to make better choices.

It hasn’t gone perfectly.  Last week, after 4 nearly perfect days, and after watching the scale numbers go from 173 to 168, I foolishly thought I could “loosen up” over the weekend.  On Friday night I made Caesar salad and had way too much of that along with a couple of glasses of wine and a huge piece of grilled salmon.  I did hold it together much better on Saturday, but then on Sunday I threw restraint to the wind in the night and ate way too much sourdough bread and once again drank a glass of wine.

I’m finding that it seems to be the wine that does it to me.  On Monday morning all my wonderful progress had seemed to go down the drain.  I was once again back up to 172.  I was annoyed, to say the least.

But instead of tossing aside my “Make better choices” thinking, I picked it up again.  I recommitted.  I had a couple of days of Jenny Craig-style restraint, with very planned menus involving Lean Cuisines.  I’ve exercised on most days.  And I’ve been finding, once again, what a great appetite suppressant vegetables seem to be for me.  Last night we ordered pizza (a weak moment in my judgment).  But before it arrived, I steamed some broccoli (a stronger moment) and ate that.  Although I took a second piece of pizza when one would have been plenty (a weaker moment), I did not have FOUR pieces (stronger moment), which is what I might have eaten in the past.  Interestingly, this morning my vegetable appetizer seemed to pay off.  I was back down to 168.

As I look ahead to tomorrow and the weekend, I’m really going to try and keep the momentum going.  If I can hold it together over the weekend and make consistently good choices, rather than caving to the idea that I deserve this or that treat, I could break the 168 barrier and get down into the mid-160s.  The mid-160s would put me within 5 pounds of where I used to be, and then a few more pounds would put me in touch with my good skinny clothes.

I’m feeling sort of good about my prospects right now.  I have resisted some pretty tough temptations over the past few days.  Like this afternoon, my kids wanted Chic-Fil-A for lunch.  I’d had a hair appointment that had gone much longer than I’d thought it would, so I was pretty famished by the time I hit the drive-thru.  I toyed for a few moments with the idea, first of all, of throwing all restraint aside and getting a full-fledged value-sized combo meal.  But almost instantly, I nixed that.  Then I began to plot how I could “sneak” some nuggets and fries, if I bought a 12-piece with large fry for my daughter.  I could feasibly take 4 nuggets out and half the fries.

But then I used one of those tricks that has worked well in the past.  I told myself that I could set aside Chic-Fil-A for one day.  Seriously.  I know what it tastes like.  It’s good…but it’s not THAT good.  It’s not irresistable.  And I can have it again…SOMEDAY.

And that’s what I did.  I bought the kids their kids’ meals and went home and had a Slim-Fast.  Later, before dinner (which I cooked…it was relatively low-calorie, but I typically have a lot of problems with portion control whenever I cook), I had some raw cauliflower and a little ranch dressing.  That took the edge off my appetite, and I was able to exercise some pretty decent restraint.  I had an orange for dessert…and although I did eat a few small cookies afterward, I can tell that I did well today.

This is starting to feel doable.  Not impossible.  And sort of fun.  Like a game, a challenge – like it used to feel.

It’s good.

The Four-Year Mark

It’s getting close to the four-year mark.  Sometime this month, it will have been four years since I started this site and blogged my way through losing more than 30 pounds.

I started out at a hefty 189.5.  At my lowest weight, I was around 152.  I guess that’s more like “more than 40 pounds,” but since I didn’t stay at 152 for very long but instead moved up and hovered around the high 150s for a couple of years, it feels more honest to say 30.

I’ve shared how I’ve had some setbacks, particularly over the past year.  For awhile I was working full-time and just did not have the energy to work out as regularly as I had been.  I went from running 4 miles 4 or 5 times per week to maybe getting in just a couple of runs and a quick workout on my elliptical.  During that time I also took on the attitude that it was my “right” to have big takeout dinners, since I’d worked so hard all day.

And of course, in that statement, it’s obvious that I’ve also backslid in my thinking.  I’ve been very aware of the downward spiral.  I’ve written about it here many times before.  When I started my diet four years ago, I knew I had to do something dramatic to kick-start myself and give myself enough motivation to stick with a plan.  I had to do something drastic, where I stuck meticulously with an eating plan for a few weeks, until the portion control and the healthy choices began to feel like new habits – and until I’d gotten into the mindset where I quit viewing unlimited amounts of food as a crucial part of my enjoyment of whatever we were doing.

It only took a couple of weeks to turn a corner and start feeling like it was a game to make good choices and restrain myself.  After awhile, it didn’t seem like it even required much effort at all.  I cruised along and lost that weight in just a matter of a few months.

But then a dangerous thing happened.  I “cheated” in a big way, but it did not affect the scale numbers.  At least not at first.  But then once-a-week binging turned into once-every-few-days, which then led me to become quite lax about my self-control.  Unless I was in the mindset to “really watch it,” I didn’t feel like paying any attention at all to portion control or good choices.

Ten pounds have crept back on.  I know what I need to do to get rid of them, but I’m just not sure how to – once again – silence the voice of “Crazed-Addict Fatgirl,” who comes along and takes control of my thoughts and assures me that I’m not that fat and that I can eat this or that food and it won’t actually hurt me.  And that “just this once” won’t actually matter.

I’d like to get back to a better place in my thinking, where I really knew that “nothing tastes as good as being thin feels.”  With spring about to happen and summer just around the corner, it’d be nice to have the freedom to wear the shorts and capris that have become too snug.

More importantly, it’d be good to turn the tide NOW, before it’s 189.5 again.

Thursday

So, I made it through today and had pretty much no desire to deviate from my plan.  I ate what I should eat, and I worked out – went for a 4-mile run.  For some reason, running today wasn’t as exhilarating as it usually is.  I was kind of tired, and I didn’t keep the best pace.  But hey, at least I did it.

As I was running, my mind did its usual running-inspired “intense wandering,” and I started to think back on what it was like – really like – when I started my original diet 3 1/2 years ago.  I remembered that it absolutely wasn’t easy…but that it got easier once I’d made it through about 5 days in a row.  Then it almost became like a game, to maintain that ever-so-sightly-hungry feeling no matter what.  I actually grew to like and enjoy that feeling and found a weird thrill in choosing restaurant items that would allow me to participate in the experience with the rest of the family but not get too full.

Anyway, if I can capture that mindset again and just not focus too much on the big picture, I will have success.  I am really concerned about having to give up my better clothes, particularly all my good jeans.  I would like to be able to comfortably wear my good jeans again.

Here’s what I ate today:

Special K bar (180); grapefruit (100); yogurt (100); Slim-Fast shake (190); tomatoes (150); broccoli (100); Lean Cuisine (300); milk (90); lemon snack cake (80).  Total:  1,290.

167.4

No, 0.2 pounds is not a significant drop.

But considering how Crazed Addict Fatgirl came back with a vengeance yesterday and took possession of my thoughts, it’s amazing that I didn’t see a major gain.

I thought blogging about my struggles would be a deterrent, but it wasn’t.  At least not yesterday.

I wasn’t feeling well.  I’d woken up with a migraine early yesterday morning, and after the migraine medication did its thing, I was left sort of drained and slightly nauseated.  I didn’t feel at all like working out, so I didn’t.  And then as the morning wore on, the thought of my usual snacks of fruit and veggies and my usual lunch of a Slim-Fast and veggies just seemed disgusting.  All I wanted was a big roast beef sandwich from Jimmy Johns and a bunch of glasses of Diet Coke.

(Honestly – I don’t know what it is, but when I get through a migraine like that, bread and Diet Coke truly seem to have a soothing effect.  That’s my excuse.)

So, that’s precisely what I did, even as Fitgirl whispered into my ear that this might not be a good idea and I might regret it.  Crazed Addict Fatgirl could think only of making my stomach feel better.  I proceeded to eat a gigantic sandwich and have my Diet Coke.

Then, since I’d already “thrown in the towel,” I threw off all restraints and had a milkshake at McDonald’s later in the afternoon.  Oh, I had an excuse for that, too.  I was still feeling kind of bad, and the ice cream sounded good.  We had a long afternoon ahead of us (daughter had a volleyball game at a school WAY across town, we were facing sitting through the game and then battling rush hour traffic to get home).  I was almost immediately sorry about the milkshake, as McDonald’s has totally changed their milkshakes and now they are gross.  Totally not worth the calories.  I didn’t even finish the thing!  What was McDonald’s thinking, anyway?  That a clear plastic Starbucks-style cup will somehow magically make a tiny portion and way too much chocolate flavoring seem better than it actually is?

My hunger never seemed to go away yesterday.  When we got home from the game and then turned around to dash off to go to Wednesday night church, I ended up having a Chick-Fil-A combo meal, complete with French fries.  I didn’t “Value Size” it, but still.  Crazy.

Indeed – Crazed Addict Fatgirl.

I was like a person possessed.

I did end up regretting all these bad choices last night, as I pondered the concept of my failure while lying in bed, getting ready to go to sleep.  Sigh.

I honestly think there is something that happens on around the third day of any dieting attempt (if it’s been awhile since I practiced portion control) that makes me feel physically ill.  It’s like something is happening in my stomach to make me crave carbs and no limits.

But today is another day.  I plan on going out for a run in a few minutes, and I actually have an odd hopefulness as I think about making better choices today.  I know I’m sort of starting over, back at Square 1, in terms of pushing beyond either the nausea or extreme hunger that comes after a couple of days.  I regret not pushing through those feelings yesterday.

But I know I can still get a grip.  I’m only ten or so pounds away from where I used to be, when my good clothes still fit me.  I can recapture the groove, the momentum.

The strange thing is, despite the addictive behavior of yesterday, the fact that I’m writing about it now – confessing it! – is part of the momentum for me.  I’m not just ditching this whole thing.  I’m still pressing on.

I think I’m going to pretend that yesterday didn’t happen.  How about that?  And when it feels in a couple of days that I might fall off the wagon yet again, I will blog about those moments as they are happening.  That might be interesting.

167.6

I made this site my homepage, so I see it every time I open a browser.  I figure it will help remind me of what I need to do – how I need to maintain my focus on what I want, so that Crazed Addict Fatgirl won’t have quite so much power over me when I’m faced with temptation.

This morning I weighed in at 167.6.  That’s at least ten pounds more than I need to be in order to fit into my good jeans, but at least it’s not 173, which is what I saw the other morning.

I keep thinking back to a few years ago, when I was somehow able to have enough focus and commit to really making changes – not temporary changes, just to take off a pound or two, but true long-term changes, so that I was able to go from 189 to 153.  I’m trying to figure out what it was like in my thoughts back then, when I managed to have enough determination to make it through several days in a row, which then led to gaining momentum, which is a reward in and of itself, which becomes motivation to keep going.  I can remember that after a certain number of days – perhaps 8 or 10 days – the whole thing became like a game.  I no longer struggled with feelings of futility, like there was no way I would be able to keep it up.  Going out to restaurants didn’t immediately send me over the edge, where I’d throw restraint to the wind.  Instead, I’d go to the Daily Plate and figure out my low-calorie options ahead of time.  I’d go to restaurants armed with a plan.

And it didn’t seem hard or extremely sacrificial.  Seeing the numbers drop was a huge reward, and like I said, pretty soon the whole effort became self-sustaining and didn’t feel like it was this gigantic lifestyle handicap.

I can remember reaching a point, after maybe a couple of weeks, where I’d grown used to the smaller portions and the feeling of never over-stuffing myself.  I can remember how good it felt to eat just enough – to (for instance) go to Chipotle and order just two chicken tacos with a moderate amount of filling (chicken and black beans, salsa, and a small sprinkling of cheese).  I’d have that and some broccoli and feel like it was a huge treat…and feel like it was just enough.

Once I got over the weird barriers in my thinking – that feeling like food HAS to be entertaining, and the belief that there can be no limits – it became just part of life, just another habit.

Addiction is a strange mental condition.  You develop a dependency – whether mental, or chemical, or both – on a substance, and you associate that substance with fulfillment.  You don’t realize it, but you end up thinking that the only way you can have true happiness, true fulfillment, is to be able to have the substance without restraints…even as you know that you don’t like the results of your lack of restraint, even as you know that after you over-indulge, you feel terrible.

The truth is that if you make it through enough days in a row while resisting the substance (which for me is unlimited amounts of whatever food tastes good or sounds good to me at the moment), you realize that your fulfillment is actually NOT dependent upon the substance.  You definitely feel better, enjoy life more, and are happier with yourself.

I guess the key is breaking the cycle.  You have to figure out ways to either distract yourself from the habit or find ways to experience a level of satisfaction without the habit.  If you can break the connection between the habit and the idea that the habit is necessary for fulfillment, and make a NEW habit out of being fulfilled without the substance, the new habit eventually becomes a lot less effortless.

It’s been a yo-yo life…

If you’ve read much here, you’ve undoubtedly noticed that there’s an unfortunate pattern.  Once I got down to my semi-goal weight in the low 150s three years ago, I maintained my healthy habits for awhile.  I maintained portion control and made good choices.  I also worked out regularly.  I would do my elliptical or run, working up to 4 miles 4 or 5 times per week.

I had days of indulgence, usually weekends, but overall, I was able to keep my weight in the 150s.

That lasted for two years.

A year ago, I noticed my weight had begun to creep into the high 150s.  Sometimes, I would tip the 160 mark.  I remember being horrified when the scale read 163, and I immediately buckled down, went back to “food prison” (a more Jenny Craig-style plan, with Lean Cuisines for dinner and NO room for cheating), and got the scale numbers back down into the 150s.

But.

It did keep getting harder and harder, and my ability to stick with “food prison” grew weaker.  I’d fallen into my old habit of simply HAVING to have limitless quantities of chips, ice cream, and other snack foods.  I didn’t even make a pretense of portion control for dinner most nights.  I began cooking a lot more for my family, and rather than choosing lower calorie, lower fat recipes, I would make all the meals I love and then eat way WAY too much.

The numbers would yo-yo up and down, but I started noticing that the “downs” weren’t as low as they had been.  I would be happy to see 158, whereas before, 152 was good.

I remained pretty faithful in my workouts, which I suppose helped a lot with the weight control, as I really did start eating like my old piggish self.  Crazed Addict Fatgirl would almost always rule my thoughts, but I ran enough that I didn’t gain too much.

Then we went on a vacation to Disneyland, and because we walked SO MUCH, and because of time limitations, I did not work out.  I did not really get my heart rate up, and I did not work up a good sweat.  I also ate with total abandon, and when we got home, my weight was 163.  I was horrified, tried to go back to food prison…and never was able to get back in the swing of things.

Then it was Christmas.  I don’t need to say anything more.

The last time I weighed 163 was in February.  Then I started a full-time job, and it got to be more and more difficult to maintain my workouts.

The weight crept up.  165 and 167 came and went.  Over the summer 167 was a “low,” and the low 170s were the new horrifying high.

The other day I weighed in at 173, and I realized that I had crossed a point where too many of my good skinny clothes literally do not fit me any longer.  I’m finding myself feeling more and more self-conscious and wasting more and more time trying to put together flattering outfits.

It’s not good.

So for the past few days, I’ve been attempting food prison again.  Honestly, a really harsh reality for me is that Crazed Addict Fatgirl maintains her stronghold on my thoughts unless I vanquish her with totally strict portion control for several days in a row.  (I’ve decided it takes about 3 weeks of faithfulness and Crazed Addict Fatgirl’s lying voice loses its grip on me.)

This morning I weighed in at 169.  At least it wasn’t the 170s, but it’s still so much higher than it had been.  Last year I was 7 pounds lighter, and the two years before that I was 7 MORE pounds lighter…and it is depressing to realize that my addictions are have gained a hold over me again, to the point where I haven’t been able to stay honest and stay the course for more than a few days at a time.

The good news is, after my job ended last May, I did get back into somewhat of a good workout groove.  I can still run 4 miles pretty easily, and I’ve been using this new machine, a “Strider” (something of a cross between an elliptical and a stairstepper), as well.  The workouts have been good, so that piece is already in place.

I’m also finding it not that hard to have portion control – as long as I can fall back on my Lean Cuisines to get me going.  I need to do this for a week or two at least, just to see the numbers fall again.

Here’s what I ate yesterday:  Special K bar (190); grapefruit (100); Slim-Fast (190); broccoli (100); green beans (100); Lean Cuisine (290); milk (90); prunes (100).  Total:  1,160.

Yesterday’s workout:  25 minutes on the strider.

Here’s what I had today:  Special K bar (190); yogurt (100); Slim-Fast (190); carrots (80); dip (50); broccoli (100); Lean Cuisine (300); milk (90); Weight Watchers lemon snack cake (80); small apple (70).  Total:  1,150.

The Weight Watchers lemon cake was QUITE good – tiny (not at all like the Twinkie-sized thing pictured on the box…maybe a third the size of a Twinkie) but tasty.  It gave me a very small taste of something similar to the lemon pound cake I like at Starbucks, and it made my coffee taste good.

Today’s workout:  3-mile run (no time to do more).

Praying through

So, I’ve been fighting my way through a pretty yucky cold.  Today I couldn’t handle the stuffiness and the sinus pressure a moment longer, so I took some Aleve Sinus, which has to be the best, most effective decongestent out there.  Only trouble is, it makes me feel too blah to exercise.

All that to say, I didn’t work out today.  But I’ve had a couple of decent days in terms of food and portion control.  Part of that is because nothing tastes or even sounds good to me.  But part of it just might be the thinking I’ve been doing about “cravings” and temptation, and whether it’s a sin to deviate from my weight loss plan and goals.

I’m not sure.  Still pondering that.

But today it was kind of weird.  Often when I don’t work out, I get that, “Oh well – let’s just throw in the towel completely” feeling.  Like, “Why even try?”  And a few of those thoughts did cross my mind before lunch.  I’d gone all morning without eating anything, and around 1:00 I realized that I needed to have something for lunch before I left to pick up the kids from school.  I typically have a Slim-Fast and some vegetables for lunch, but I totally wasn’t feeling the veggies.  I have this blah taste in my mouth from being sick and congested, and all I wanted was comfort food.

That’s when I got to thinking about the leftover casserole that was in the refrigerator.  I’d made it for dinner last night, and it’s one of my favorites – chicken, wild rice, and a sauce made from sour cream, a dash of curry, mushrooms, celery, onion, and white wine.  It’s amazing.

The more I thought about the casserole, the better it sounded.  I could imagine how refreshing it’d be to sit here and eat the rest of it – a very good sized portion was left last night – and drink unlimited amounts of Diet Coke to offset the saltiness of the casserole.

I decided to take a shower and get ready before eating, and while I was in the shower, it crossed my mind that perhaps I should pray about this…just to see if there was anything to that theory from the Craving book.  I didn’t even really pray very specifically – it was more of a fleeting thought as I showered.

But after I finished getting ready and went downstairs to have lunch, I realized that I no longer felt like having the casserole.  Instead, I fixed myself a protein shake.  I didn’t have time to have any vegetables.

The new protein shakes I’ve been making aren’t as nutritionally balanced as Slim-Fast shakes, but they sure have an interesting appetite-suppression effect on me!  That, combined with the “ugh” feeling from my cold, made me absolutely not hungry the rest of the afternoon.  I came home from picking up the kids and made myself some broccoli.  Then I had a Lean Cuisine and some milk.

And I’m totally fine right now.  Nothing sounds good, nothing is tempting me.  Not even the ice cream in the freezer.

I don’t know if it’s having this congestion, or if it’s the prayer and thinking I’ve been doing, but whatever it is, it’s good.  Here’s what I ate today:

Special K Protein Meal Bar (180); protein shake (240); broccoli (100); Lean Cuisine (210); milk (120).  Total:  850.

Wow.  Not nearly enough…but I’m just not feeling like eating anything else today.  I suppose that’s OK once in awhile, after all my major over-indulgences.

Food issues and…theology?

Or, Is Overeating A Sin?

Awhile back, I was poking around on Amazon, looking for something to read on my Kindle, and I stumbled upon Made To Crave:  Satisfying Your Deepest Desire With God, Not Food by Lysa TerKeurst.  It had 181 five-star reviews, so I downloaded a sample and ended up buying the book.

It’s a thought-provoking read.  TerKeurst writes in a “down-home girlfriend” style, which I find simultaneously engaging and yet somehow just a little bit too self-consciously cute for my tastes.  I’ll be going along, reading and nodding in agreement, when there will be an anecdote about her husband or something that just feels too forced-funny, like “insert chuckle here.”  It kind of throws off the rhythm of the Bible-teaching aspect.

But, like I said, between the “cute” parts, there are some thought-provoking ideas.  For instance, TerKeurst’s main point is that if we find ourselves over-indulging in food to the point where it is getting in the way of how we know we ought to be (physically fit and healthy), then we are using food inappropriately – and that misdirected “craving” becomes an obstacle to a better relationship with God.  Food becomes an idol.  Going on a binge with a bag of potato chips is therefore a sin.

Therefore, we should view our struggles with food in the same way that we would view any other spiritual struggle.  And we should handle them similarly.  We should pray for strength and use scripture to satisfy those cravings when they come.  TerKeurst herself managed to take off something like 30 pounds by looking at food this way.  She asserts that denying ourselves in the physical realm can result in spiritual blessings.  She cites several Bible passages to make her case, starting with the logic that while “all things are permissable, not all things are expedient.”  While food itself is morally neutral, and eating too much isn’t necessarily always wrong, it’s not good for us – and since “we were made for better than this” (a mantra she recites to herself when feeling tempted), and since the good is the enemy of the great, we can know that God would prefer us to give up our over-indulgences and instead fill our lives with Him.

I have no argument against this teaching and pretty much agree with it.  And yet…well…

As someone who struggles with an addiction to limitless pleasures, where I simply don’t want to stop eating something that tastes good, I have to say that while I can easily see the spiritual implications of my addiction, I don’t know that I’m comfortable thinking of eating too many potato chips as a sin.  I don’t know that I’m totally OK with putting so much spiritual baggage on something that ultimately affects the physical and the temporal and can so easily be about vanity than (primarily) “being our best for God’s sake.”

I mean, what motivates us to want to be physically fit and slim?

I know that in my case, my motivation primarily lies in wanting to look better so that I can project a more “together” image to the world and feel better in my clothes.  Are there spiritual benefits to feeling better about my physical self?  Well, yes.  I think so.  I’m no doubt more open to people when I’m not feeling self-conscious about how wide my butt looks in my fat jeans.  I’m friendlier, which is a good thing (a more Christ-like thing).

But mixed in with that “more godly” element are all kinds of other elements that are fleshly.  Like pride.  While I love feeling better – which I do when I’m in shape – the truth is that I never felt that bad when I weighed 190.  Oh, I probably would have started feeling and seeing the bad effects on my health sooner rather than later, but on a purely physical level, I didn’t feel particularly horrible when I was fat.  It was only on a mental level that I felt bad.  And – this is interesting to me – I only felt bad mentally when I was around people who were in better shape than I was.  Weighing 190 and wearing a size 16 or 18 didn’t particularly bother me when I was surrounded by other larger and dumpier people.

So for me, size has always primarily been about how I compare to others.  I don’t like feeling frumpier and fatter than other women.  I like looking cute in my clothes.  I like knowing that when other “together-looking” women see me, they are viewing me as an equal, as someone like them, and not as someone who doesn’t take care of herself as well as they take care of themselves.

So yeah, there are all sorts of fleshly, pride-of-life things tangled up in my motivations for wanting to be fit and slim.  To be brutally honest here, I’ve never felt like God is more pleased with me as a thin person than He was when I was a chunkster.

I’ve never felt like my physical size is something that God is terribly concerned with.

Yes, I can see where God is more honored when Christians look good.  An obese person is obviously not taking care of herself.  An obese person is not a very good advertisement for the Christian life.  An obese person is not exhibiting self-control, one of the fruits of the Spirit.

But a thin person can be just as not-very-spiritual as someone who struggles with self-control.  A thin person can become self-satisfied and arrogant.  A thin person can quickly forget how tough the struggle with food can be, and can begin to look down on fat people and think they are self-indulgent slugs who just can’t push away the plate.

How this connects back to Lysa TerKeurst’s book is, if my motivations for taking off weight are a tangled mess of mostly fleshly desires, then does exercising more control over what I eat still translate into a spiritual pursuit?

I’m really not sure.  I’m open to the idea of thinking about my over-indulgences in this way, and I’m going to be thinking about my “cravings” and praying about them to see if God will work and move to help me in my struggle with my particular addiction to limitless taste pleasures.  But – I have to say that I am sort of uncomfortable with the notion of strapping still more baggage onto my struggles with food.  I’m uncomfortable with the concept of spiritualizing what for me has been a battle I’ve previously successfully fought primarily with practical strategies.

Like, thinking of the lying voice in my head as “Crazed Addict Fatgirl” has helped me far more than thinking of that voice as “the Devil.”  Analyzing my issues with food and gaining the insight that I have problems with limits – and then taking practical steps to distract myself and focus on positive choices – has thus far given me greater success than viewing my disregard for limits as a sin that is dishonoring to God.

So, yeah.  I’d recommend TerKeurst’s book.  It’s thought-provoking.  And like I said, I’m open to bringing God into this equation.

But thus far – after having been thinking about this spiritualizing-weight-loss thing for several days – it’s just not resonating in my heart yet.

We’ll see if that changes.

Gathering momentum…again

I’ve decided it’s time to re-embrace my old good habits.

Yes, I’ve drifted for months.  Every once in awhile, I’d have a “come to Jesus” day or two, and I’d blog about how I was going to turn myself around.  But then the old bizarre thinking patterns would come back.  Crazed Addict Fatgirl maintained way too much control of my thoughts.  I’d have a couple of days of having all the pieces of the puzzle in place – enough veggies, a couple of fruits, exercise, portion control – but then around day 3, I’d think about ordering pizza.  Or cooking some other fattening food.

The thought would send me down the path toward the action.  Crazed Addict Fatgirl would lie, taking over my thoughts and assuring me that I could control myself.  Or that it didn’t matter if I ate 4 pieces of pizza, since “it’s only cheese pizza,” which isn’t quite as bad as the kind with a bunch of meat toppings.

Because of Crazed Addict Fatgirl’s vice-grip hold on my thoughts, allowing her to take over after only a couple of “good” days is always a huge mistake.  It always leads to failure.

Which is why I have not really taken off any of the pounds I’d put on over the past 10 months or so.

For a long while, I’d done pretty well at maintenance.  I’d have my ups and downs, but despite some days of over-indulgence, I was generally able to hold my weight in the high 150s.  That’s not “perfectly thin” for me, but it’s not bad, either.  I was still able to wear all my “skinny” clothes, and I looked pretty good.

But sometime last fall, I started picking up some bad habits.  I can’t remember if I’ve mentioned this before, but I developed a few secret food rituals that centered around the time I had to spend in my car in the afternoons, waiting for my kids at their new school.  When the weather was warm, I had quite a bad Diet Coke addiction, which I never would have just by itself.  No.  I always wanted something salty to go with it.  So that typically meant bringing a bag of potato chips along, or stopping at KFC to pick up some crispy strips.  I’d orchestrate the whole thing so carefully, bringing my 2-liter of Diet Coke in an ice chest, along with a gigantic plastic cup full of ice.  I’d also pack some of my homemade ranch dressing for the crispy strips.

My weight crept up a couple of pounds.  I began to see 160 or 161 regularly.  I would tell myself that those two or three pounds could come off in a matter of a few days…which was sort of true…and that my “secret” rituals weren’t causing me any lasting trouble.

Then over the kids’ fall break, we went to Disneyland.  We had a great time, but we were so busy that I didn’t get around to working out like I’d planned.  I figured that the miles and miles of walking we did would more than compensate for the lack of more intense exercise.

At the same time, I threw all food restraints to the wind.  I discovered how much I LOVED the clam chowder soup in a sourdough bread bowl at one of the restaurants at California Adventure.  I’d wolf the entire thing.  I’d eat whatever I felt like eating, including desserts and whatever else.  I even had a big breakfast of pancakes and eggs and bacon on a couple of the mornings.

When we came back from that vacation, I was a solid 163.  And despite a dozen or so times when I vowed to change, that number never really dropped.

I resumed my workouts, often running 4 miles at a time.  But then I’d throw all portion control to the wind, even when it came to my vegetables.  I got into the habit of eating bunches of tomatoes and ranch dressing…along with whatever I felt like for dinner.

When I started my full-time teaching gig, the workouts got harder and harder to maintain, and my weight crept up some more.  163 became 165, which then became 167.  On some days I’d step on the scale and gasp to see the 170s.  I’d vow to get my portion control back.  I’d vow to ditch my bad habits with potato chips and tortilla chips and sourdough bread.  And ice cream after dinner.

But I realized that Crazed Addict Fatgirl has her old grip on my thoughts these days.  And if I don’t embrace some days of food prison and vanquish her grip, I will end up being fat again.  The high 160s, where my weight consistently remains right now, mean that I can’t comfortably wear my skinny clothes anymore.  I lie to myself and say that it doesn’t matter.  In the moments of temptation, when I’m really hungry and don’t feel like working at it, Crazed Addict Fatgirl reminds me of the few skinny clothes I can still squeeze into.  And then I cave to temptation.

I realize that I just have to stop.  I have to break Crazed Addict Fatgirl’s hold.

Something that has served to sober me a little and make me face up to the fact that Crazed Addict Fatgirl has been LYING to me was going through my old photos.  I was looking at pictures from two years ago, from 2009.  Particularly in some pictures from camping trips, I realized how much I miss wearing this one pair of shorts and these tops that I really like.  I also realized how much I miss liking how I looked in photos.  Lately, when my kids get hold of my camera and snap pictures of me, I’ll end up deleting most of them.  I don’t like how wide I am with these extra 10 or 15 pounds.

I have to remember that once I get some momentum back, Crazed Addict Fatgirl does lose her power over me.  If I can just string a bunch of “good” days together – where all the pieces of the puzzle are in place and I don’t overindulge – then I will be able to face real temptations and make it through them.

So that’s what I’m doing.

My weight today was right at 170.

Here’s what I ate:

Special K High Protein Meal Bar (180); grapefruit (100); Slim-Fast shake (190); broccoli (100); tomatoes (100); Lean Cuisine (310); milk (90); prunes (100).  Total:  1,170.

I also did 1 mile on my new “stride” machine (something like a cross between elliptical and stairstepper).

We’ll see how it goes.