As I was running, my mind did its usual running-inspired ”intense wandering,” and I started to think back on what it was like – really like – when I started my original diet 3 1/2 years ago.  I remembered that it absolutely wasn’t easy…but that it got easier once I’d made it through about 5 days in a row.  Then it almost became like a game, to maintain that ever-so-sightly-hungry feeling no matter what.  I actually grew to like and enjoy that feeling and found a weird thrill in choosing restaurant items that would allow me to participate in the experience with the rest of the family but not get too full.

Anyway, if I can capture that mindset again and just not focus too much on the big picture, I will have success.  I am really concerned about having to give up my better clothes, particularly all my good jeans.  I would like to be able to comfortably wear my good jeans again.

Here’s what I ate today:

Special K bar (180); grapefruit (100); yogurt (100); Slim-Fast shake (190); tomatoes (150); broccoli (100); Lean Cuisine (300); milk (90); lemon snack cake (80).  Total:  1,290.

But considering how Crazed Addict Fatgirl came back with a vengeance yesterday and took possession of my thoughts, it’s amazing that I didn’t see a major gain.

I thought blogging about my struggles would be a deterrent, but it wasn’t.  At least not yesterday.

I wasn’t feeling well.  I’d woken up with a migraine early yesterday morning, and after the migraine medication did its thing, I was left sort of drained and slightly nauseated.  I didn’t feel at all like working out, so I didn’t.  And then as the morning wore on, the thought of my usual snacks of fruit and veggies and my usual lunch of a Slim-Fast and veggies just seemed disgusting.  All I wanted was a big roast beef sandwich from Jimmy Johns and a bunch of glasses of Diet Coke.

(Honestly – I don’t know what it is, but when I get through a migraine like that, bread and Diet Coke truly seem to have a soothing effect.  That’s my excuse.)

So, that’s precisely what I did, even as Fitgirl whispered into my ear that this might not be a good idea and I might regret it.  Crazed Addict Fatgirl could think only of making my stomach feel better.  I proceeded to eat a gigantic sandwich and have my Diet Coke.

Then, since I’d already “thrown in the towel,” I threw off all restraints and had a milkshake at McDonald’s later in the afternoon.  Oh, I had an excuse for that, too.  I was still feeling kind of bad, and the ice cream sounded good.  We had a long afternoon ahead of us (daughter had a volleyball game at a school WAY across town, we were facing sitting through the game and then battling rush hour traffic to get home).  I was almost immediately sorry about the milkshake, as McDonald’s has totally changed their milkshakes and now they are gross.  Totally not worth the calories.  I didn’t even finish the thing!  What was McDonald’s thinking, anyway?  That a clear plastic Starbucks-style cup will somehow magically make a tiny portion and way too much chocolate flavoring seem better than it actually is?

My hunger never seemed to go away yesterday.  When we got home from the game and then turned around to dash off to go to Wednesday night church, I ended up having a Chick-Fil-A combo meal, complete with French fries.  I didn’t “Value Size” it, but still.  Crazy.

Indeed – Crazed Addict Fatgirl.

I was like a person possessed.

I did end up regretting all these bad choices last night, as I pondered the concept of my failure while lying in bed, getting ready to go to sleep.  Sigh.

I honestly think there is something that happens on around the third day of any dieting attempt (if it’s been awhile since I practiced portion control) that makes me feel physically ill.  It’s like something is happening in my stomach to make me crave carbs and no limits.

But today is another day.  I plan on going out for a run in a few minutes, and I actually have an odd hopefulness as I think about making better choices today.  I know I’m sort of starting over, back at Square 1, in terms of pushing beyond either the nausea or extreme hunger that comes after a couple of days.  I regret not pushing through those feelings yesterday.

But I know I can still get a grip.  I’m only ten or so pounds away from where I used to be, when my good clothes still fit me.  I can recapture the groove, the momentum.

The strange thing is, despite the addictive behavior of yesterday, the fact that I’m writing about it now – confessing it! – is part of the momentum for me.  I’m not just ditching this whole thing.  I’m still pressing on.

I think I’m going to pretend that yesterday didn’t happen.  How about that?  And when it feels in a couple of days that I might fall off the wagon yet again, I will blog about those moments as they are happening.  That might be interesting.

This morning I weighed in at 167.6.  That’s at least ten pounds more than I need to be in order to fit into my good jeans, but at least it’s not 173, which is what I saw the other morning.

I keep thinking back to a few years ago, when I was somehow able to have enough focus and commit to really making changes – not temporary changes, just to take off a pound or two, but true long-term changes, so that I was able to go from 189 to 153.  I’m trying to figure out what it was like in my thoughts back then, when I managed to have enough determination to make it through several days in a row, which then led to gaining momentum, which is a reward in and of itself, which becomes motivation to keep going.  I can remember that after a certain number of days – perhaps 8 or 10 days – the whole thing became like a game.  I no longer struggled with feelings of futility, like there was no way I would be able to keep it up.  Going out to restaurants didn’t immediately send me over the edge, where I’d throw restraint to the wind.  Instead, I’d go to the Daily Plate and figure out my low-calorie options ahead of time.  I’d go to restaurants armed with a plan.

And it didn’t seem hard or extremely sacrificial.  Seeing the numbers drop was a huge reward, and like I said, pretty soon the whole effort became self-sustaining and didn’t feel like it was this gigantic lifestyle handicap.

I can remember reaching a point, after maybe a couple of weeks, where I’d grown used to the smaller portions and the feeling of never over-stuffing myself.  I can remember how good it felt to eat just enough – to (for instance) go to Chipotle and order just two chicken tacos with a moderate amount of filling (chicken and black beans, salsa, and a small sprinkling of cheese).  I’d have that and some broccoli and feel like it was a huge treat…and feel like it was just enough.

Once I got over the weird barriers in my thinking – that feeling like food HAS to be entertaining, and the belief that there can be no limits – it became just part of life, just another habit.

Addiction is a strange mental condition.  You develop a dependency – whether mental, or chemical, or both – on a substance, and you associate that substance with fulfillment.  You don’t realize it, but you end up thinking that the only way you can have true happiness, true fulfillment, is to be able to have the substance without restraints…even as you know that you don’t like the results of your lack of restraint, even as you know that after you over-indulge, you feel terrible.

The truth is that if you make it through enough days in a row while resisting the substance (which for me is unlimited amounts of whatever food tastes good or sounds good to me at the moment), you realize that your fulfillment is actually NOT dependent upon the substance.  You definitely feel better, enjoy life more, and are happier with yourself.

I guess the key is breaking the cycle.  You have to figure out ways to either distract yourself from the habit or find ways to experience a level of satisfaction without the habit.  If you can break the connection between the habit and the idea that the habit is necessary for fulfillment, and make a NEW habit out of being fulfilled without the substance, the new habit eventually becomes a lot less effortless.

I had days of indulgence, usually weekends, but overall, I was able to keep my weight in the 150s.

That lasted for two years.

A year ago, I noticed my weight had begun to creep into the high 150s.  Sometimes, I would tip the 160 mark.  I remember being horrified when the scale read 163, and I immediately buckled down, went back to “food prison” (a more Jenny Craig-style plan, with Lean Cuisines for dinner and NO room for cheating), and got the scale numbers back down into the 150s.

But.

It did keep getting harder and harder, and my ability to stick with “food prison” grew weaker.  I’d fallen into my old habit of simply HAVING to have limitless quantities of chips, ice cream, and other snack foods.  I didn’t even make a pretense of portion control for dinner most nights.  I began cooking a lot more for my family, and rather than choosing lower calorie, lower fat recipes, I would make all the meals I love and then eat way WAY too much.

The numbers would yo-yo up and down, but I started noticing that the “downs” weren’t as low as they had been.  I would be happy to see 158, whereas before, 152 was good.

I remained pretty faithful in my workouts, which I suppose helped a lot with the weight control, as I really did start eating like my old piggish self.  Crazed Addict Fatgirl would almost always rule my thoughts, but I ran enough that I didn’t gain too much.

Then we went on a vacation to Disneyland, and because we walked SO MUCH, and because of time limitations, I did not work out.  I did not really get my heart rate up, and I did not work up a good sweat.  I also ate with total abandon, and when we got home, my weight was 163.  I was horrified, tried to go back to food prison…and never was able to get back in the swing of things.

Then it was Christmas.  I don’t need to say anything more.

The last time I weighed 163 was in February.  Then I started a full-time job, and it got to be more and more difficult to maintain my workouts.

The weight crept up.  165 and 167 came and went.  Over the summer 167 was a “low,” and the low 170s were the new horrifying high.

The other day I weighed in at 173, and I realized that I had crossed a point where too many of my good skinny clothes literally do not fit me any longer.  I’m finding myself feeling more and more self-conscious and wasting more and more time trying to put together flattering outfits.

It’s not good.

So for the past few days, I’ve been attempting food prison again.  Honestly, a really harsh reality for me is that Crazed Addict Fatgirl maintains her stronghold on my thoughts unless I vanquish her with totally strict portion control for several days in a row.  (I’ve decided it takes about 3 weeks of faithfulness and Crazed Addict Fatgirl’s lying voice loses its grip on me.)

This morning I weighed in at 169.  At least it wasn’t the 170s, but it’s still so much higher than it had been.  Last year I was 7 pounds lighter, and the two years before that I was 7 MORE pounds lighter…and it is depressing to realize that my addictions are have gained a hold over me again, to the point where I haven’t been able to stay honest and stay the course for more than a few days at a time.

The good news is, after my job ended last May, I did get back into somewhat of a good workout groove.  I can still run 4 miles pretty easily, and I’ve been using this new machine, a “Strider” (something of a cross between an elliptical and a stairstepper), as well.  The workouts have been good, so that piece is already in place.

I’m also finding it not that hard to have portion control – as long as I can fall back on my Lean Cuisines to get me going.  I need to do this for a week or two at least, just to see the numbers fall again.

Here’s what I ate yesterday:  Special K bar (190); grapefruit (100); Slim-Fast (190); broccoli (100); green beans (100); Lean Cuisine (290); milk (90); prunes (100).  Total:  1,160.

Yesterday’s workout:  25 minutes on the strider.

Here’s what I had today:  Special K bar (190); yogurt (100); Slim-Fast (190); carrots (80); dip (50); broccoli (100); Lean Cuisine (300); milk (90); Weight Watchers lemon snack cake (80); small apple (70).  Total:  1,150.

The Weight Watchers lemon cake was QUITE good – tiny (not at all like the Twinkie-sized thing pictured on the box…maybe a third the size of a Twinkie) but tasty.  It gave me a very small taste of something similar to the lemon pound cake I like at Starbucks, and it made my coffee taste good.

Today’s workout:  3-mile run (no time to do more).

All that to say, I didn’t work out today.  But I’ve had a couple of decent days in terms of food and portion control.  Part of that is because nothing tastes or even sounds good to me.  But part of it just might be the thinking I’ve been doing about “cravings” and temptation, and whether it’s a sin to deviate from my weight loss plan and goals.

I’m not sure.  Still pondering that.

But today it was kind of weird.  Often when I don’t work out, I get that, “Oh well – let’s just throw in the towel completely” feeling.  Like, “Why even try?”  And a few of those thoughts did cross my mind before lunch.  I’d gone all morning without eating anything, and around 1:00 I realized that I needed to have something for lunch before I left to pick up the kids from school.  I typically have a Slim-Fast and some vegetables for lunch, but I totally wasn’t feeling the veggies.  I have this blah taste in my mouth from being sick and congested, and all I wanted was comfort food.

That’s when I got to thinking about the leftover casserole that was in the refrigerator.  I’d made it for dinner last night, and it’s one of my favorites – chicken, wild rice, and a sauce made from sour cream, a dash of curry, mushrooms, celery, onion, and white wine.  It’s amazing.

The more I thought about the casserole, the better it sounded.  I could imagine how refreshing it’d be to sit here and eat the rest of it – a very good sized portion was left last night – and drink unlimited amounts of Diet Coke to offset the saltiness of the casserole.

I decided to take a shower and get ready before eating, and while I was in the shower, it crossed my mind that perhaps I should pray about this…just to see if there was anything to that theory from the Craving book.  I didn’t even really pray very specifically – it was more of a fleeting thought as I showered.

But after I finished getting ready and went downstairs to have lunch, I realized that I no longer felt like having the casserole.  Instead, I fixed myself a protein shake.  I didn’t have time to have any vegetables.

The new protein shakes I’ve been making aren’t as nutritionally balanced as Slim-Fast shakes, but they sure have an interesting appetite-suppression effect on me!  That, combined with the “ugh” feeling from my cold, made me absolutely not hungry the rest of the afternoon.  I came home from picking up the kids and made myself some broccoli.  Then I had a Lean Cuisine and some milk.

And I’m totally fine right now.  Nothing sounds good, nothing is tempting me.  Not even the ice cream in the freezer.

I don’t know if it’s having this congestion, or if it’s the prayer and thinking I’ve been doing, but whatever it is, it’s good.  Here’s what I ate today:

Special K Protein Meal Bar (180); protein shake (240); broccoli (100); Lean Cuisine (210); milk (120).  Total:  850.

Wow.  Not nearly enough…but I’m just not feeling like eating anything else today.  I suppose that’s OK once in awhile, after all my major over-indulgences.

Awhile back, I was poking around on Amazon, looking for something to read on my Kindle, and I stumbled upon Made To Crave:  Satisfying Your Deepest Desire With God, Not Food by Lysa TerKeurst.  It had 181 five-star reviews, so I downloaded a sample and ended up buying the book.

It’s a thought-provoking read.  TerKeurst writes in a ”down-home girlfriend” style, which I find simultaneously engaging and yet somehow just a little bit too self-consciously cute for my tastes.  I’ll be going along, reading and nodding in agreement, when there will be an anecdote about her husband or something that just feels too forced-funny, like “insert chuckle here.”  It kind of throws off the rhythm of the Bible-teaching aspect.

But, like I said, between the “cute” parts, there are some thought-provoking ideas.  For instance, TerKeurst’s main point is that if we find ourselves over-indulging in food to the point where it is getting in the way of how we know we ought to be (physically fit and healthy), then we are using food inappropriately – and that misdirected “craving” becomes an obstacle to a better relationship with God.  Food becomes an idol.  Going on a binge with a bag of potato chips is therefore a sin.

Therefore, we should view our struggles with food in the same way that we would view any other spiritual struggle.  And we should handle them similarly.  We should pray for strength and use scripture to satisfy those cravings when they come.  TerKeurst herself managed to take off something like 30 pounds by looking at food this way.  She asserts that denying ourselves in the physical realm can result in spiritual blessings.  She cites several Bible passages to make her case, starting with the logic that while “all things are permissable, not all things are expedient.”  While food itself is morally neutral, and eating too much isn’t necessarily always wrong, it’s not good for us – and since “we were made for better than this” (a mantra she recites to herself when feeling tempted), and since the good is the enemy of the great, we can know that God would prefer us to give up our over-indulgences and instead fill our lives with Him.

I have no argument against this teaching and pretty much agree with it.  And yet…well…

As someone who struggles with an addiction to limitless pleasures, where I simply don’t want to stop eating something that tastes good, I have to say that while I can easily see the spiritual implications of my addiction, I don’t know that I’m comfortable thinking of eating too many potato chips as a sin.  I don’t know that I’m totally OK with putting so much spiritual baggage on something that ultimately affects the physical and the temporal and can so easily be about vanity than (primarily) “being our best for God’s sake.”

I mean, what motivates us to want to be physically fit and slim?

I know that in my case, my motivation primarily lies in wanting to look better so that I can project a more “together” image to the world and feel better in my clothes.  Are there spiritual benefits to feeling better about my physical self?  Well, yes.  I think so.  I’m no doubt more open to people when I’m not feeling self-conscious about how wide my butt looks in my fat jeans.  I’m friendlier, which is a good thing (a more Christ-like thing).

But mixed in with that “more godly” element are all kinds of other elements that are fleshly.  Like pride.  While I love feeling better – which I do when I’m in shape – the truth is that I never felt that bad when I weighed 190.  Oh, I probably would have started feeling and seeing the bad effects on my health sooner rather than later, but on a purely physical level, I didn’t feel particularly horrible when I was fat.  It was only on a mental level that I felt bad.  And – this is interesting to me – I only felt bad mentally when I was around people who were in better shape than I was.  Weighing 190 and wearing a size 16 or 18 didn’t particularly bother me when I was surrounded by other larger and dumpier people.

So for me, size has always primarily been about how I compare to others.  I don’t like feeling frumpier and fatter than other women.  I like looking cute in my clothes.  I like knowing that when other “together-looking” women see me, they are viewing me as an equal, as someone like them, and not as someone who doesn’t take care of herself as well as they take care of themselves.

So yeah, there are all sorts of fleshly, pride-of-life things tangled up in my motivations for wanting to be fit and slim.  To be brutally honest here, I’ve never felt like God is more pleased with me as a thin person than He was when I was a chunkster.

I’ve never felt like my physical size is something that God is terribly concerned with.

Yes, I can see where God is more honored when Christians look good.  An obese person is obviously not taking care of herself.  An obese person is not a very good advertisement for the Christian life.  An obese person is not exhibiting self-control, one of the fruits of the Spirit.

But a thin person can be just as not-very-spiritual as someone who struggles with self-control.  A thin person can become self-satisfied and arrogant.  A thin person can quickly forget how tough the struggle with food can be, and can begin to look down on fat people and think they are self-indulgent slugs who just can’t push away the plate.

How this connects back to Lysa TerKeurst’s book is, if my motivations for taking off weight are a tangled mess of mostly fleshly desires, then does exercising more control over what I eat still translate into a spiritual pursuit?

I’m really not sure.  I’m open to the idea of thinking about my over-indulgences in this way, and I’m going to be thinking about my “cravings” and praying about them to see if God will work and move to help me in my struggle with my particular addiction to limitless taste pleasures.  But – I have to say that I am sort of uncomfortable with the notion of strapping still more baggage onto my struggles with food.  I’m uncomfortable with the concept of spiritualizing what for me has been a battle I’ve previously successfully fought primarily with practical strategies.

Like, thinking of the lying voice in my head as “Crazed Addict Fatgirl” has helped me far more than thinking of that voice as “the Devil.”  Analyzing my issues with food and gaining the insight that I have problems with limits – and then taking practical steps to distract myself and focus on positive choices – has thus far given me greater success than viewing my disregard for limits as a sin that is dishonoring to God.

So, yeah.  I’d recommend TerKeurst’s book.  It’s thought-provoking.  And like I said, I’m open to bringing God into this equation.

But thus far – after having been thinking about this spiritualizing-weight-loss thing for several days – it’s just not resonating in my heart yet.

We’ll see if that changes.

Yes, I’ve drifted for months.  Every once in awhile, I’d have a “come to Jesus” day or two, and I’d blog about how I was going to turn myself around.  But then the old bizarre thinking patterns would come back.  Crazed Addict Fatgirl maintained way too much control of my thoughts.  I’d have a couple of days of having all the pieces of the puzzle in place – enough veggies, a couple of fruits, exercise, portion control – but then around day 3, I’d think about ordering pizza.  Or cooking some other fattening food.

The thought would send me down the path toward the action.  Crazed Addict Fatgirl would lie, taking over my thoughts and assuring me that I could control myself.  Or that it didn’t matter if I ate 4 pieces of pizza, since “it’s only cheese pizza,” which isn’t quite as bad as the kind with a bunch of meat toppings.

Because of Crazed Addict Fatgirl’s vice-grip hold on my thoughts, allowing her to take over after only a couple of “good” days is always a huge mistake.  It always leads to failure.

Which is why I have not really taken off any of the pounds I’d put on over the past 10 months or so.

For a long while, I’d done pretty well at maintenance.  I’d have my ups and downs, but despite some days of over-indulgence, I was generally able to hold my weight in the high 150s.  That’s not “perfectly thin” for me, but it’s not bad, either.  I was still able to wear all my “skinny” clothes, and I looked pretty good.

But sometime last fall, I started picking up some bad habits.  I can’t remember if I’ve mentioned this before, but I developed a few secret food rituals that centered around the time I had to spend in my car in the afternoons, waiting for my kids at their new school.  When the weather was warm, I had quite a bad Diet Coke addiction, which I never would have just by itself.  No.  I always wanted something salty to go with it.  So that typically meant bringing a bag of potato chips along, or stopping at KFC to pick up some crispy strips.  I’d orchestrate the whole thing so carefully, bringing my 2-liter of Diet Coke in an ice chest, along with a gigantic plastic cup full of ice.  I’d also pack some of my homemade ranch dressing for the crispy strips.

My weight crept up a couple of pounds.  I began to see 160 or 161 regularly.  I would tell myself that those two or three pounds could come off in a matter of a few days…which was sort of true…and that my “secret” rituals weren’t causing me any lasting trouble.

Then over the kids’ fall break, we went to Disneyland.  We had a great time, but we were so busy that I didn’t get around to working out like I’d planned.  I figured that the miles and miles of walking we did would more than compensate for the lack of more intense exercise.

At the same time, I threw all food restraints to the wind.  I discovered how much I LOVED the clam chowder soup in a sourdough bread bowl at one of the restaurants at California Adventure.  I’d wolf the entire thing.  I’d eat whatever I felt like eating, including desserts and whatever else.  I even had a big breakfast of pancakes and eggs and bacon on a couple of the mornings.

When we came back from that vacation, I was a solid 163.  And despite a dozen or so times when I vowed to change, that number never really dropped.

I resumed my workouts, often running 4 miles at a time.  But then I’d throw all portion control to the wind, even when it came to my vegetables.  I got into the habit of eating bunches of tomatoes and ranch dressing…along with whatever I felt like for dinner.

When I started my full-time teaching gig, the workouts got harder and harder to maintain, and my weight crept up some more.  163 became 165, which then became 167.  On some days I’d step on the scale and gasp to see the 170s.  I’d vow to get my portion control back.  I’d vow to ditch my bad habits with potato chips and tortilla chips and sourdough bread.  And ice cream after dinner.

But I realized that Crazed Addict Fatgirl has her old grip on my thoughts these days.  And if I don’t embrace some days of food prison and vanquish her grip, I will end up being fat again.  The high 160s, where my weight consistently remains right now, mean that I can’t comfortably wear my skinny clothes anymore.  I lie to myself and say that it doesn’t matter.  In the moments of temptation, when I’m really hungry and don’t feel like working at it, Crazed Addict Fatgirl reminds me of the few skinny clothes I can still squeeze into.  And then I cave to temptation.

I realize that I just have to stop.  I have to break Crazed Addict Fatgirl’s hold.

Something that has served to sober me a little and make me face up to the fact that Crazed Addict Fatgirl has been LYING to me was going through my old photos.  I was looking at pictures from two years ago, from 2009.  Particularly in some pictures from camping trips, I realized how much I miss wearing this one pair of shorts and these tops that I really like.  I also realized how much I miss liking how I looked in photos.  Lately, when my kids get hold of my camera and snap pictures of me, I’ll end up deleting most of them.  I don’t like how wide I am with these extra 10 or 15 pounds.

I have to remember that once I get some momentum back, Crazed Addict Fatgirl does lose her power over me.  If I can just string a bunch of “good” days together – where all the pieces of the puzzle are in place and I don’t overindulge – then I will be able to face real temptations and make it through them.

So that’s what I’m doing.

My weight today was right at 170.

Here’s what I ate:

Special K High Protein Meal Bar (180); grapefruit (100); Slim-Fast shake (190); broccoli (100); tomatoes (100); Lean Cuisine (310); milk (90); prunes (100).  Total:  1,170.

I also did 1 mile on my new “stride” machine (something like a cross between elliptical and stairstepper).

We’ll see how it goes.

It’s been a long while.  But I’m still here.

Back in February, I started a full-time job as a long-term substitute teacher for a woman on an extended maternity leave.  From my first moment back in the classroom, life really changed for me.  For one thing, the regular teacher had apparently checked out mentally – she left me virtually nothing in the way of specific lesson plans.  I ended up putting hours and hours of extra work into the job every day, creating the materials I needed and dealing with the never-ending stacks of papers to grade.  In the end, though, I loved it.  I fell in love with a bunch of middle schoolers who loved me in return.  Parents actually called the principal’s office to request that I could stay in the position permanently.  (I can’t – the regular teacher is very much planning on returning in the fall.

Plus…well, I’m not so sure I’d want a job that required so very much out of me.)

For awhile after starting that position, I’d come home from school in a semi-spaced-out stupor, exhausted, but I’d force myself to run anyway.  Or work out on my elliptical machine.  But then after awhile, it all got to be too much.  My workouts grew more sporadic than they’d been in probably 5 years.  I’d get one in on Monday, and maybe Thursday, if I was lucky.  Most Saturdays I’d also exercise.  But that 5-days-per-week faithfulness?  Gone.  Sadly.  Just no energy left to do it.

Likewise, my eating habits weren’t the best.  Oh, I was pretty religious about bringing my lunch to school, with good selections of fruits and veggies.  But then all too often, I’d come home and we’d end up ordering pizza or getting Chili’s to go.  I’d be both tired and so hungry that I’d eat way too much.

The upshot of all this is that I gained some weight.  I’d been carefully maintaining around the high 150s, but sometime in October of last year, after our Disneyland trip, that number crept up to the low 160s.  After starting my job and slacking off with my workouts, the number crept up a little higher.  These days, I’m around the 167 range.  Sadly, my “good” summer clothes from previous years don’t fit very well.  I’m down to only a couple pairs of capris that are still even semi-comfortable.

School was out at the end of May, and over the past few weeks I’ve been struggling to get a handle on the fitness thing again.  Honestly, it has NOT been easy.  Crazed-Addict Fatgirl has fully resurrected herself.  She has the most amazing way of taking control of my thoughts when I finally hit that “I’m desperately hungry because I’m starting to work off my fat reserves” point.  And then I will cave to her lies and eat way too many chips or way too much pizza.

I’ve reconciled myself to the fact that I need to go back to food prison again to vanquish Crazed Addict Fatgirl.  I need to weaken her hold on my thoughts.

I’ve made some effort this week, although Crazed Addict Fatgirl came around and took over on Wednesday and yesterday.  But Sunday through Tuesday went well, and so did today.  I’ve been able to work out more – although not quite as regularly as I was when I was really committed to weight loss – and I’m making more effort to restrain my portions.  We ate at a restaurant on Sunday and I split an entree salad with my daughter.  Half the salad was more than enough, and as I did that simple thing, it hit me that it’s really not that hard to eat sensible portions.  I’m trying to capture that mindset again, where portion control becomes a simple habit and isn’t a huge burden.

So that’s where things stand.  I’m working on taking off 5 or 7 pounds, so that I can wear my better summer clothes from previous years.  And also because I really don’t want to hit the 170s again.  Maintaining a healthy weight and a good level of fitness is a never-ending endeavor.

Here we go again.

One thing I haven’t mentioned is that a few weeks ago, I purchased a Body Media armband and have been kind of entertaining myself with its daily readouts.  The Body Media (or “BodyMedia”) system involves wearing a device that has a bunch of sensors that somehow get readings on things like how many calories you’ve burned, how many steps you’ve taken, and how many hours you’ve slept. 

I’m always looking for something new to keep myself motivated, and when I saw the Bodia Media thing at Costco the other week, I was intrigued.  I didn’t buy it immediately – I was put off by the $149 price tag, which even included a $50 instant rebate.  I debated about buying it for a couple of days, and then I decided to go back to Costco to give it a second look.  That’s when I found, to my dismay, that the display was gone.  Eventually I asked a Costco employee if they’d sold out completely, and she was able to direct me to where they’d moved the remaining stock.  Only a handful were left. 

Somehow, the idea that so many of the devices had sold in just a matter of two days pushed me over the edge.  I bought the Body Media system that day. 

When I activated my subscription to Body Media’s online service a few days later, I wasn’t sure how I was going to like wearing the device, which must rest snugly against one’s skin, necessitating a velcro-adjusted elastic armband that feels too tight every time your arm muscles flex.  It took a few days for the thing to stop really bugging me (and now I’d say that, at best, it’s just mildly annoying), but so far, I’ve found it interesting to see how many calories I’m burning. 

I’ve also found that the readouts about exercise intensity have been motivating me to seek out more intense workouts.  I was surprised to discover that the calories-burned calculations on my treadmill and elliptical machine are pretty accurate.  The treadmill will show that I will have burned about 340 calories after running 3 miles.  The elliptical shows around 200 calories burned after 25 minutes and 2 miles.  I’d always thought that the two workouts have felt roughly the same in terms of intensity, but according to my Body Media readings, I only do about 10 minutes of “intense” exercise while on the elliptical machine, and the other 15 minutes or so would be considered “moderate,” which is the same rating as what I do while cleaning the house or just walking around.  Jogging on the treadmill, on the other hand, shows up as “intense” exercise for the full 30 minutes. 

So does jogging around my neighborhood.  And here’s the weird part – it shows up as “intense” for the full 40 or 45 minutes that my usual 3.8-mile route takes me, even when I’m just walking briskly, as I do for segments of the last piece of that route.  I was VERY surprised by this – to me, my elliptical machine feels like a much more intense workout than plain old walking around the neighborhood.  Go figure.

My one huge disappointment with the Body Media system has been that their food-tracking system is severely lacking.  Considering that Body Media would appear to be a fairly new thing, the nutritional information offered would appear to be frequently outdated or inaccurate.  Of the few foods that I’ve tracked – I tend to eat the same things pretty often for breakfast and lunch – almost all the information that comes up in Body Media’s program is incorrect!  For instance, I’ve been eating South Beach bars for breakfast each morning.  Body Media doesn’t even have an exact listing for the type of South Beach bar I like, and the one that comes the closest is something like 30 calories off of what the label says.  Likewise their listing for Slim-Fast shakes.  And every single one of the Lean Cuisines I’ve looked up in their system.

If these were recently introduced foods, I’d say (in Body Media’s potential defense) that maybe the system just hasn’t had a chance to catch up yet.  But these are NOT new foods.  Nutritional information for my favorite Slim-Fast shake has remained exactly the same for years!  And I know the Lean Cuisines I’ve attempted to look up have been around for a long time.

Even more disappointing than the inaccurate food readings, though, has been the discovery that unlike some other sites I’ve used since starting my diet 3 years ago (such as www.thedailyplate.com) the Body Media food database contains little if any nutritional information for restaurant meals.  I was so bummed when I found this out!  Considering all the information out there on sites like dailyplate, it’s ridiculous that a paid site like Body Media wouldn’t have included restaurant nutritional information in their database.

Overall, I’d say that so far I’ve enjoyed using my Body Media system.  I don’t have the watch-like attachment that provides instant readouts – I wait until certain points in the day to download the information onto my computer with the USB cable that came with the armband.  I’ve liked being able to see how many calories my body burns throughout the day, and it’s been downright fascinating to discover the different levels of intensity in activities that I’d thought were equal but actually aren’t.  I’ve found that when I’m wearing the system, I am definitely more motivated to move around and to seek out more intense workouts.

I just wish they’d improve their database of nutritional information!  And if there’d be a way to create a system that somehow automatically sensed and calculated caloric intake, that would be the most amazing motivator of all.  I’d be in line to buy a system like that in a heartbeat.  As it is now, though, Body Media relies on the honor system when it comes to recording your food intake.

So that was one thing – half of a Krispy Kreme donut.  The other thing was a piece of candy from the box my mother-in-law sent.  She was on the phone and we were all passing the box.

I figure, half a donut and a piece of candy aren’t going to derail my efforts.  I worked out yesterday, and I basically followed my plan.  I even switched to nonfat half and half in my coffee, which – once again – really isn’t that bad or that dramatic of a thing once I just do it.  It’s a small change, of course, but because of how much coffee I drink, I think it probably adds up considerably.

Today I need to figure out a way to deal with controlling myself if I make a family dinner.  I feel guilty about not cooking, and yet I still really need the structure of tools like Lean Cuisines, since I need to build some momentum.  Lean Cuisines help me a lot because they remove the issue of portion control.  At the beginning of an attempt to take off some weight, portion control is a huge issue.  Once I get used to eating less, it’s a lot easier to automatically restrict myself to a “normal” serving.  At the beginning of a diet, Crazed Addict Fatgirl finds it easy to swoop in and whisper her lies as my hand goes for a second heaping serving of potatoes (or whatever).  I’ll simply be hungry, and the food will be there.  That’s all there is to it. 

So it’s SO MUCH EASIER to get momentum going and retrain myself in portion control if I don’t have to deal with this temptation.  But, I feel like I’m letting my family down by not cooking a family dinner for them.

I guess one solution would be to cook something that is diet-friendly.  Of course that still requires me to exert portion control.  But today I’m going to see what I can do.  Maybe I’ll try a new recipe.

Or maybe I’ll just plod along and do my Lean Cuisine.

Whatever the case, I do feel a new sense of renewed commitment to taking off the pounds I’ve gained, BEFORE the task becomes overwhelming.

I weighed in at 164.6 this morning.  That’s better than 167, of course, but it’s still significantly higher than the high 150s, where I’d managed to hover for the past couple of years.  Taking off 5 pounds shouldn’t be so terribly difficult.  I just need to focus on the “just do it” mentality and keep plodding along.