Navigating a vacation July 30, 2008

Well, amazingly enough, after almost 3 weeks on vacation at my parents’ house, I returned home weighing the least I’ve weighed in more than 10 years.

And my parents are people who LOVE food, and for whom there is little else to think about except the ever-important question of, “What’s for dinner tonight?”

It’s amazing that I was able to do it.  Simply amazing.

But then again, it actually wasn’t that amazing.  At least, at the time, it felt perfectly normal, even though it was such a radical departure from the mindset I’d always had on previous trips, where I’d have a complete and total obsession with food as an absolutely essential entertainment.

This time around, I went into things with the attitude that I’d pretty much stick to the same routine I follow while at home.  It wasn’t so difficult to do, because at least half the time, my mom and dad wanted to eat leftovers from previous restaurant meals.  During those days, I’d have Lean Cuisines and vegetables just like usual.  Also, they live in an area where there are wonderful roadside fruit and vegetable stands, so I could feast on some of the BEST vine-ripened tomatoes, perfectly fresh broccoli, and wonderful melon.  Because of how amazing the fruits and veggies were, they felt like a special treat every day.

We did go out to eat a few times.  I basically made good choices at the restaurants, although I did have some difficulty when we went to an Italian place in the city.  I found myself utterly not caring, and the menu had NOTHING even remotely diet-friendly anyway, unless I wanted to subsist on an $8 dinner salad (no thanks!  I hate salad!).  So I ordered what looked good, some pasta dish with spicy sausage.  It had all been sauteed in way too much olive oil, but it was quite flavorful so I ended up eating all the meat and most of the pasta.  I also had two glasses of wine, about a third of a piece of tiramisu, and some after-dinner coffee that was such thick Italian brew that it required a quarter cup of half and half to cut it into drinkability.

On another occasion, at a Mexican restaurant, I succeeded in a valient effort to withstand the chips ‘n’ salsa.  That was always a weakness of mine – good chips and good, fresh salsa.  They also served some sort of refried bean dip that was freshly made and extremely tasty, and I was able to have just a nibble of that and then stop.  The food was exceptionally good in the way I like Mexican food – very fresh, with very distinct, sharp flavors.  I ended up eating both my chicken enchiladas, and I also requested extra red sauce on the side.  Their red sauce was fantastic, with slight hints of chili without being overpoweringly spicy.

Overall, those were the two times when I really had issues with self-control.  Also, on one night, I did fix my infamous Caesar salad for the family, and I found my very favorite garlic bread baguettes (frozen loaves imported from Germany) at the locally-owned grocery store.  I had zero restraint with the salad and bread, too.

But on the bright side, I ran on my mom’s treadmill nearly every day.  I typically did two miles or more, and I pushed myself harder than I ever had done before, sometimes pumping up the speed to a 8:40 mile.  Then I’d swim laps for an additional 15 minutes.

And none of this seemed difficult.  It really didn’t.  I think there was maybe one day when I truly did not feel like exercising, but I pushed beyond that and did it anyway.  Once I got going, it wasn’t bad.

What really helped me stick with my new habits is that I honestly felt so much better when I ate well.  On the couple of nights that I over-indulged, I felt uncomfortable and nearly sick to my stomach.  Feeling good is almost – all by itself – enough motivation to keep me very diligent.

It was also wonderful to feel no shame in my swimsuit.  And there were so many great moments where people I hadn’t seen in ages told me that I looked great.  Perhaps the best of these was when I ran into the mom of a high school classmate.  This lady is the mother of the snootiest girl in my graduating class, someone I clashed with a lot over the years.  Their entire family was always known for their well-kept good looks.  Even though the mom is now 70, she still was put-together, wearing cute, stylish shorts and cool sandals when I ran into her in the grocery store.  She kept repeating how good I looked…in a way that made me think it almost bugged her!

It was a great moment.  Petty and childish perhaps – after all, it’s been WAY too many years since high school – but great nonetheless.

So I returned home after almost 3 weeks away, and I’d lost approximately 3 pounds.  I weighed in at 158.5 the other day, the lowest point I’ve reached yet.  I feel wonderful…and contrary to what I feared, I’m really not itchin’ to break out of my new habits.  I’m enjoying it all too much.

Pulling it together…yet again July 1, 2008

So the past week has been pretty bad for me and my diet plan. 

For whatever reason, Crazed Addict Fatgirl took up residence in my thinking for several days.  I got into this weird obsession with garlic bread and white wine, to the point where I deliberately went to the store and bought several loaves of the best frozen “cabatta bread” that I’d found.  My mindset at that moment was, “Oh, I’m here now, the bread is here, I’ll buy it for those moments – few and far between – when I really ‘need’ to have some bread.”

But the truth was, knowing that it’s in the freezer has been pretty much all it’s taken to make popping a loaf in the oven something of a nightly ritual.

My weight numbers have reflected this indulgance, too.  I was appalled this morning when I stepped on the scale and saw 164.5.  That is a 3 pound gain since my original low of 161.5.

The truth of the matter is, I deserve every one of those pounds.  Like I said, I’ve hit that Crazed Addict Fatgirl mentality, where I keep lying to myself.  Yesterday, I thought I was thoroughly recommitted to getting back on track after a couple of days of late-night garlic bread binges (I don’t just eat one small piece – I tend to eat the entire loaf, or everything but the little portion that my husband takes).

But then last night, I had a particularly disturbing phone conversation with my mom.  I love my mother with all my heart, but she’s definitely got her issues, one of which is a broken relationship with one of her brothers.  In her defense, I’d say way more than half of the conflict is not her fault.  Her brother – my uncle – has mistreated my mom since their childhood.

But he’s pretty much blown her off over the past few years, deliberately ignoring her and seeming to treat her as though she doesn’t exist.  Last night my mom announced her plan to write her brother a letter and “tell him her side.”  My mom has no sense of how to communicate, and the letters she’s written to other people have been simply horrible, seemingly abusive as she lashes out with some bizarrely irrational thought that her letter’s target is going to sit back and say to himself, “Aw, gee, she really IS right after all.”

That will never happen.

So anyway, last night my mom launched into this whole thing about how she was going to write my uncle a letter.  She was really into it, completely fired up with fresh anger over the mistreatment she’s suffered from him, even things that happened 20 years ago or more.

I was trying to reason with her, asking her if this really was the legacy that she wanted to leave for her grandchildren?  All these ranting letters to people?  Why write letters if you truly don’t care about the person anymore, as she claims with respect to my uncle?  Why?

She was totally irrational last night, and in the end, she turned her anger on me, accusing me of wanting to silence her and not let her express herself.  This is simply not true.  I’m actually only wanting to protect her from herself – from revealing to her brother that she actually cares enough about him, mean as he’s been to her over the years, to try to provoke a reaction out of him by antagonizing him with an angry rant.

When I hung up the phone, I was so upset that I could feel my heart racing.  I felt completely frustrated by my mother’s bizarre insistance on her right to “tell her side,” and by her total refusal to see how fruitless this whole thing was going to be…in addition to the fact that it would only make HER look like the crazy one.

I got off the phone and immediately turned on the oven.  Then I poured a half glass of wine and proceeded to bake and eat an entire loaf of cabatta bread.

Quite honestly, I deliberately CHOSE not to stop and think.  I knew what I was doing was foolish and self-defeating, but I didn’t care.  For the half hour or so that the bread and wine lasted, I felt just a little loopy and found some relief from the total stress of watching my mother try to destroy herself.

But then last night I felt terrible.  After my glass of wine wore off, my stomach was really upset.  I woke up a couple of times in the night with heartburn, and like I said, this morning I had a 3-pound weight gain.

So today I regrouped and thought about just what is going on.  Why am I reverting to these crazy old habits, using food as a stress reliever or boredom reliever or whatever, and then LYING TO MYSELF that it’s not going to affect my weight?  I seriously sat here and ate that bread last night while telling myself that it wouldn’t affect me.

But of course, it did.

Today I made a point to exercise before taking the kids to their 9 a.m. swim lesson.  After their lesson, I swam a little with them.  When I got home, I decided to run an extra mile, just because.  That was an excellent run – I did the mile in less than 11 minutes and didn’t feel much strain or discomfort.

I stuck with my plan, even though I was once again tempted by those slices of birthday cake in the freezer.

I am determined, BOUND AND DETERMINED, that I am not going to let this slide.  I am too happy with my smaller size, too happy with how good I look and feel, to allow Crazed Addict Fatgirl to dominate and control my thinking.  I am sickened by the week of lies, by the week of telling myself that 1,000 calories (or more, last night I think it was closer to 2,000 calories) of garlic bread isn’t going to make a difference.  What parallel universe am I living in, anyway, if I continue to do these kinds of things?  It’s crazy.

It’s Crazed Addict Fatgirl.  I thought I’d vanquished her, but she reared her ugly head.  Gotta get rid of her again.

I can do it.  I did it today, and it wasn’t that bad.  I’m going to do it again tomorrow, too.

Regrets June 26, 2008

I have to say, I really REALLY regretted indulging in that garlic bread last night!

Almost more than any of the rest of my “binge moments,” last night’s garlic bread fiasco made me miserable.  I really overdid it, to the point where the bread sat like a brick in my stomach.  Twice in the night I woke up with a heartburn feeling, almost enough to make me nauseous.

To top it off, when I forced myself to weigh in this morning, I was back to 163.  I’d gained almost 2 pounds from that over-indulgance.

Definitely not worth it!

I really need to remember this feeling the next time I am tempted by the desire to binge. 

It’s been so great to go to the swimming pool and feel like I look reasonably good in my swimsuit.  Today when a bunch of the snooty moms showed up at our neighborhood pool, I suddenly realized that I looked just as good as any of them.  For years, I’ve struggled with intense feelings of inferiority, bogged down by those extra 25 pounds I used to carry around with me.  I used to feel so ashamed of myself.  But now, although I’ll probably never be what I’d consider “model thin,” to where I’d want to wear a bikini, I at least feel like I don’t stand out horribly.  My figure is OK enough.  I’d say I probably look as fit as most of the other moms, perhaps better than some, definitely worse than others.

(And yes, I realize how “high school” this sounds.  But hey, it’s the truth, the reality of where I live.  I can’t change the fact that these other women are like this – but at least I COULD change the fact that I used to be fat.  And now, despite how juvenile and immature it is for a middle-aged woman to be concerned about being judged based on her appearance, at least I’m feeling like I can participate in the world around me.  I feel like I’ve managed to put myself on the playing field.  So, “high school” or not, it’s still an accomplishment!)

I don’t want to lose this accomplishment.  I don’t want to slide back into old habits which will eventually lead me to being out of shape and fat again.  Binging on garlic bread is simply not worth the price.

A mixed bag June 10, 2008

The past few days have been a real mixed bag.  I’ve hit one of those set-points where I’m pretty much staying the same weight…mainly because I keep feeling EXTREMELY HUNGRY and deliberately set out to cheat.

Yet I’ve been working out really well, too.  I actually think my intense workouts have been fueling my appetite.

On Friday, I very intentionally purchased all the fixin’s for Caesar salad, and I very intentionally planned to eat a lot of it.  I also deliberately bought this super-fattening “Cabatta bread,” which was all gooey and cheesy and flavored with Italian herbs.  I emailed my husband and asked him to please pick up a bottle of wine.  I had it in my head all day that I was going to throw all restraints to the wind and eat what I wanted.

He obliged and grilled some wonderful cedar plank salmon.  I ate a large piece, along with several pieces of the cheesy cabatta bread and a HUGE bowl of Caesar salad.  It was all incredibly tasty.

I woke up on Saturday with, of course, the obvious weight gain of a pound (probably the saltiness of the dinner, if anything else).  But temporary or not, I fully deserved to see the numbers on the scale go up.

Saturday I remained true to my plan, despite obstacles.  I worked out hard, running 2 miles on the treadmill.  I had merely a Slim-Fast shake for lunch, because I knew our family was going out for a big birthday dinner that night, at a restaurant where there are essentially NO good choices.  At the restaurant, I restrained myself admirably, eating miniscule amounts of my favorite items and ignoring the rest.  I made do with one smallish piece of fried chicken and peeled off the skin.  When the chocolate cake was served, I had a very small piece and was hardly able to finish it.

On Sunday, I worked out before church and also remained true to my plan all day.  I never experienced any major hunger, even after essentially working out a second time when we took the kids to the pool to swim in the evening.

This morning, I woke up with a sense that I’d lost the pound I put on from Friday’s over-indulgance.  And I had.  I was 166, the same weight where I’ve remained mired for about two weeks.  I decided to go for a run in the neighborhood, because there is a loop of streets that is exactly two miles (once, out of curiosity, I drove it with my car just to know for sure how far it was).

But wow, when I got back from that run, I was so famished that I didn’t know what to do with myself.  My usual post-exercise snack of yogurt and fruit barely sustained me till lunch, when I was so hungry that I hunted down a frozen pizza (350 calories instead of the usual 190-calorie Slim-Fast shake) and wolfed it after eating a large plate of broccoli.  I had lunch rather late in the day, and I couldn’t believe it when I was starving barely an hour later.  I kept looking at the clock and longing for the moment when I could make dinner.

I almost went and got one of the large (and non-diet) turkey entrees from the freezer (at 460 calories), but I did not.  I had a Lean Cuisine Parmesan-Crusted Fish instead (delicious!  I highly recommend that one), along with some green beans and a small glass of milk.  That, and some dried prunes for dessert were ALL I was going to have for the rest of the night.

But then, about an hour ago, my husband and I were sitting around and talking about how hungry we both are.  I’ve been obsessing about the rest of the cabatta bread that’s still in the freezer, as well as the rest of the white wine in the fridge.  Once again, in an oddly deliberate, almost possessed Crazed Addict Fatgirl moment, I fired up the oven, baked the bread, and had 3 servings (at 210 calories each) with about 4 ounces of wine (half a glass).

The only thing I can say in my defense is that I’ve just been so incredibly hungry all day.  I cannot even explain it.  I know that when I feel this way and am able to withstand temptation, I will always have a glorious loss the next day and feel so happy about it.  But like I said – I felt literally possessed earlier, like Crazed Addict Fatgirl was right there, in complete control of me as I got the bread out of the freezer and heated the oven and baked it.  Typically, I do not struggle much with temptation if a food requires effort.  But this was one time when I didn’t even care.  I even was sitting here the entire time the bread was baking and thinking to myself, “I haven’t eaten any of it yet…I COULD still decide that I’m NOT going to have any…”

I just have to pick myself up and dust myself off.  I’m not satisfied with remaining mired at 166.  I would like to lose at least another 10 pounds.  That would bring me to a weight where I feel extremely comfortable in my clothes and good about the way I look.  All this sabotaging is sort of mystifying to me, beyond the fact that increasing the intensity of my workouts has seemed to dramatically increase my appetite.  I haven’t been this gripped by hunger in a long while.

So tomorrow, I am not going to make any provisions for Crazed Addict Fatgirl.  Once again, I’ve got to quit lying to myself.  I’ve got to decide that I’m not going to let this slip away from me…that I’m not going to cave to foolish temptation.

Forging ahead June 1, 2008

I think I’ve mentioned this before, but part of my struggle recently has been coming to terms with what I want out of this.

I’ve lost 22 pounds.  I’m not “dangerously close to being obese” any more.  I can fit into my old clothes, and I don’t feel all big and huge like I used to.  I also feel better, and if I were to go shopping for new clothes, I’d probably be either a size 14 or perhaps even a size 12.

I found an old journal entry that I’d made back in October, and in it I expressed that my goal was to lose 20 pounds and be a size 12.  Well, I’ve reached that goal.

But…the truth of this weight is that it’s fine, it’s healthy, but I still do not look my best.  (By the way, these are NOT the musings of a potentially anorexic person!  I’m just being honest here.)  I still do not feel completely at ease with myself in a swimsuit.  I’m much better than I was, but I still have noticeable hip and thigh bulges.  Also, I’m still not at a place where I’d feel confident that I could wear ANY fashion I want – I still am limited to things that hide my less-than-flat stomach.  I’ve been a lot more confident about my appearance before, and it happens around the 150 pound mark.  Weighing 150 for me – since I’m six feet tall – is a very good weight for fashion.  I’m still not super-thin (I really would not ever WANT to be “super-thin”!), but I can fit nicely into size 10′s and feel like all styles are reasonably flattering.

So my dilemma is, how can I stay focused so that I can lose an additional 17 pounds and reach 150?  I haven’t been there in so many years (I think the last time I was at that size, I’d just turned 30) that I don’t have a clear memory of how good it felt or what it would be like.  It’s very easy right now to be satisfied with where I am.  Yet when I put on my swimsuit the other day, I was surprised at how ill at ease I still felt…and how I know deep down that I’d really still like to look better.

The first 20 pounds were for health and just getting back to reasonably “normal.”  The second 20 pounds would be to truly LOOK good.

I think I really want to soldier on, to forge ahead.  I would really like to be a size 10 and to be able to wear anything I wanted, without worrying about disguising hip bulges.  I would really like to not feel self-conscious in a swimsuit.

I know I’m older, and I will never have a perfectly toned body.  Sheesh, I happened to catch a glimpse of Star magazine at Walmart when I was there several days ago, and they actually had this huge spread about which stars look awful in their swimsuits and which don’t.  I was really appalled at what they considered “looking awful.”  The celebrities that they picked on were far slimmer than any average Joe or Josephine that you’d see at the mall or the airport.  Their “flaws” were things like having cellulite or a flabby stomach or – this one struck me as particularly harsh – “bird legs,” legs that were too skinny.

I know that celebrity perfection isn’t attainable for many people – some of whom are the actual celebrities themselves! – and I’m not looking for that.  Not at all.  I know that I’ll always have cellulite in certain spots, and my stomach, after having kids, will never be all toned and flat.  But I at least would like, as I said, to not have to worry about disguising my hip bulges in a swimsuit.

Yesterday I deliberately chose to eat more than I should, if I’m going to keep pressing on toward losing more weight.  We went to Outback, and I put away a Caesar salad, mashed potatoes, two pieces of bread, a glass of wine, and a steak.  I even picked french fries off my kid’s plate (thinking they somehow didn’t count that way?).

The good news is, I didn’t go off the deep end nearly as bad as I did last time at Outback.  I did not order and eat a bunch of cheesy bacon fries as an appetizer, and I had one glass of wine, a small one, instead of two.

Also, this morning, I realized that even that one small glass of wine had been too much.  I really cannot take drinking anything at all any more.  That wine last night made me feel really sick this morning.  It’s even now lingering in my thoughts in an unpleasant way, where I know I won’t want to have any for quite some time.

Today I have my resolve back.  I’ve really not eaten very much at all today.  I had a South Beach bar this morning (140), a Slim-Fast shake for lunch (180), and an entree from the Weight Watchers menu at Applebee’s for dinner (according to their tally, it was 380 calories).  I’ve actually not eaten enough today, but I’m really not hungry at ALL right now.  I will have a snack later on, if I’m so inclined, probably some grapefruit and/or peaches (which would tally to about 150 calories).  That would make a total today of 850 calories…still not enough…but I suppose it balances out yesterday’s overindulgance at Outback.

Reality check May 27, 2008

I go back and forth in my thinking.  On some days, I almost can’t congratulate myself enough for having stuck with my new habits for over two months and lost 20 pounds.  It feels like a huge accomplishment, given the problems I’ve had for years with making commitments and then quickly giving up.  I also feel like I’m “almost there” in terms of how I look.  I can wear a lot of the clothes that haven’t fit in years, which seems like another huge accomplishment.

But…

Well, today I tried on one of my favorite swimsuits.  I hadn’t put it on since last summer, when it was shockingly and shamefully ill-fitting, to the point where I hardly appeared in public in it.  (I’d keep my cover-up handy and immediately slip it on when I’d get out of the swimming pool.)  Now, it does fit a lot better than it did last year, that’s for sure!  BUT…I don’t look nearly as svelte in it as I thought I would.  I have some very obvious saddle bags on my thighs…and back flab.

I’m going to have to work out harder, that’s all there is to it.  And keep focused!  I can’t afford to lie to myself and think it’s OK to slack off now.  I’m only halfway to my goal.  I’d really like to look GOOD in my swimsuit (well, as good as my semi-middle-aged body will ever look) and not just “better than my old fat slob self from last year.”  Yes, I’m happy that I’m not as bad as I was last summer, but I was just surprised at how far I still have to go.

The reality check of my swimsuit was very helpful, actually, in helping me to maintain my self-control.  Today while I was out doing some shopping, I had a strong impulse to get Chic-Fil-A for lunch.  And not just a salad and 6 nuggets, either, but a full-on meal with fries (I could smell the fries as I passed by and they wafted my direction).  I immediately put the thought out of my mind.  Crazed Addict Fatgirl was nowhere to be found.  I cannot afford to listen to her lying whispers for even a moment.  Our summer vacation is in less than 2 months, and I’d really, REALLY love to look better in my swimsuit than I did today.

Plugging along – as usual May 21, 2008

The title of this post just about says it all.  The past few days, I’ve been plugging along as usual, working out and sticking with my Jenny Craig-esque food plan.  I haven’t felt particularly hungry or tempted to stray.  I weighed in the other day and was at 170.2 – the 160s are so tantalizingly close!  Soon I will have lost 20 pounds, and I don’t want to mess it up at this point.

Right now I’m just a tad bit restless.  American Idol is on, and I ate dinner pretty early this afternoon (right after 4:00, because I was so incredibly hungry from working out so hard).  I know there are chips and salsa left over from Saturday’s party, and I keep thinking about them – chips and salsa, and maybe a huge glass of Diet Coke.  I have to be honest – I miss the pleasure of sitting here in front of the TV, combining the fun of food with the fun of a good show.  (Although I have to say, this year’s American Idol has been oddly bland…I hate that little wimpy David Archuleta with his femmy, whispery voice and gigantic caterpillar eyebrows.  David Cook has so much more power as an artist and performer…I’d buy his album in a moment.)

But I’m not going to cave.  At least, I don’t think so.

Here’s what was on today’s menu:

South Beach bar (140); yogurt (100); mixed fruit (grapefruit and some peaches) (120); Slim-Fast Optima shake (190); broccoli (100); turkey dinner (460); milk (90); prunes (200).  Total:  1410.

Saturday and Sunday May 12, 2008

After all my talk about not being able to eat that much anymore, I had another slight cave-in last night.  I say “slight” because it didn’t seem to affect me in the way that the others have.  When I weighed this morning, I was at my lowest number yet (172.2).  Yes, I do wonder how much better my progress would have been if I hadn’t consumed a large bowl of Caesar salad, packed with croutons, freshly grated parmesan cheese, and regular (not nonfat) creamy Caesar dressing (at 200 calories per 2 tablespoon serving), paired with a good-sized salmon steak that had been grilled on a cedar plank.  And oh yeah, did I mention that I had a nice glass of wine with it?  And about 3 large pieces of garlic bread?

I did work out strenuously yesterday, prior to this large and high calorie feast, but portion control?  I simply didn’t care.  And something about the salad was not filling.  Neither was the fish.  Or the garlic bread.  I kept trying to guage my hunger, like Bob Greene teaches in his The Best Life Diet, and I honestly did not feel like I was stuffing myself, even though I stretched the meal out over about an hour and kept pacing myself.

It was all so delicious that I absolutely did not care.  Sigh.

But this morning it was back to the task at hand.  I stuck to my plan quite well today, not really experiencing any temptation.  I’ve decided that once I reach my goal, I’m going to plan one of these deliberate larger meals perhaps once a week.  For now, though, I need to once again regroup and get re-focused on what I want out of this.  Although I’m in far better shape than I was a couple of months ago – as evidenced by the fact that I am now able to wear all the capris that were way too tight last summer – I’m still not at the point where I want to be.  I’m in the low 170s, but I’d like to be 160…or even in the mid-150s.  The low 150s are a supremely good weight for me, healthy and relatively easy to maintain (as long as I keep working out a few times per week, and keep eating fruits and vegetables). 

I’ve lost about 18 pounds total, and I am approximately at the halfway point.  I need to remember that although I’ve come a long way, I still need to stay focused.  An occasional cave-in is not going to ruin things or derail me completely, but it’s slowing my progress.  We go on our summer trip the second week of July.  That’s less than 2 months away.  I’d like to be in the low 160s by that trip.  The only way I can achieve that weight is to remain vigilant.  I might even need to amp up my workouts.  I cannot get lazy or think that a gigantic meal or glass of wine is not going to make a difference.

Old habits die hard… April 23, 2008

One of our guilty pleasure used to be watching American Idol – especially as it got down to the final few contestants – while eating pizza and drinking wine.

I’m having a resurgance of Crazed Addict Fatgirl, because yesterday I found myself deliberately choosing to order pizza.  I basically called my husband and told him that that is what we were going to do.  He’s been most supportive of my efforts with weight loss, but I think even he has missed our pizza nights.  So unlike other occasions when he gently suggested that I probably didn’t REALLY want to do that, yesterday he was quite agreeable.

I did one good thing, which was to have some steamed broccoli ahead of time.  But that didn’t stop me at all from swigging a rather large glass of wine and 3 pieces of pizza.  In the moment, I thoroughly enjoyed the tastes.  Hubby had picked up a new kind of wine, and it was particularly good.

But later?

Well, today, I had hell to pay.  Actually, it started in the middle of last night, when I woke up at 3 a.m. with some of the worst stomach cramps ever.  Can’t even begin to describe the sheer agony.  I also had that headachey feeling.  Ugh is all I can say.

I never did fall soundly back asleep, and this morning when I was needed to help the kids get ready for school, I was completely not up to the task.  All I could do was lie in bed and moan, trying first one position and then another.

I’m not sure if last night’s overindulging that did it, or if I have some sort of stomach bug.  But whatever the case, I’m – literally – soured on the pleasures of pizza and wine.  I feel a bit better now, but just the thought of how bad I felt earlier is enough to make me vow to never, ever, EVER AGAIN eat like that.  Never.  No taste sensation is worth half a night and a whole morning of wretchedness.

I can’t quite figure out what happened to the completely disciplined mindset that I’ve had throughout the previous five weeks.  I seem to have hit some sort of a wall, where Crazed Addict Fatgirl has been allowed to return.  My decisions to deviate (and deviate badly) from my plan have all been made quite deliberately, where in the moment it feels like the completely rational thing to do – “Oh, come on, you’re so hungry, you’ve been so good, this one time won’t hurt.”

I need to remember how horrible I feel afterward, and how much better I’ve felt when I have been able to resist temptation in the past.  I’m not even halfway to my goal.  What’s going on here?  I wish I knew.

But it’s stopping now.  Old habits may die hard, but they CAN die.  Especially if said old habit makes you feel like you ARE dying.  Heh.

Sunday April 21, 2008

I never got around to working out yesterday or today.  We had a lot going on, and plus, I just didn’t feel like it.  I’m going to resume exercising tomorrow. 

I’m finding that I need to renew my focus, so that I don’t forget my real goals.  I’ve definitely made some progress, to where some of the clothes that were too tight are now comfortable.  A couple of items are downright loose.  This is a great feeling.  But my goal is so much more than just to be able to once again wear my old “fat clothes” (which had become too tight).  I want to be in the 150s, so that I can have fun with stylish clothes and actually feel “slim” again.

And the only way I’m going to reach this goal is to maintain a more legalistic attitude toward what I do.  I’ve allowed myself to slip over the past couple of weekends.  This weekend wasn’t so much my fault.  I’m still quite upset over the inaccurate Red Robin Whiskey River BBQ Chicken Wrap information at thedailyplate.com, so much so that I actually went to their site and submitted a revision for that incorrect entry.  Here I “sacrificed” and ordered that wrap instead of a cheeseburger because I thought the cheeseburger (at 950 calories) was much more fattening than the wrap (at, supposedly, 390 calories).  Turns out that the wrap is 1050 calories!  Unbelievable.

Anyway…I really blew it at Outback, and then I unintentionally blew it yesterday at Red Robin.  Today I’d vowed to be better.  After church, when my husband asked me what I wanted to do for lunch, I said I was committed to just going home and having one of my soups and some veggies, since I really wanted to “get back on track” today.

He took me at my word and picked up KFC for himself and the kids.  But, would you know, the kids got a family-sized Popcorn Chicken.  And once again, I allowed myself a nibble.  It was delicious.  The door of my cheatin’ thoughts opened just a crack, and I began rationalizing.  I went to KFC’s own website and looked up the nutritional info for Popcorn Chicken.  (Not trusting thedailyplate anymore!!)  Turns out that a reasonable portion of Popcorn Chicken is only about 400 calories.  A gazillion grams of fat, but…

Like I said, once I’d opened the door just a tiny crack in my thoughts, that was all it took for Crazed Addict Fatgirl to come around with her rationalizations.  I decided in a moment that I could “spare” the additional 200 calories to have Popcorn Chicken instead of soup.

I’m not beating myself up about this, mind you – I don’t really regret it terribly.  But I do regret that slipshod mindset, because once I can “get away with” this sort of cheating, even on a small scale, I’m worried that I might make a habit of it.

The funny thing was, Popcorn Chicken doesn’t really taste that good after the first couple of pieces.  I think it is so much more incredible when it’s a forbidden food.  It left me feeling sort of leaden and gross the rest of the day, even though I didn’t have that terribly much.

Here’s what I ate today:

Cereal combo of 3/4 cup Smart Start with 1/2 cup Fiber One (220); milk (90); broccoli (70); Popcorn Chicken (400); green beans (100); Lean Cuisine (220); milk (90); dried plums (200).  (Yes, I am utterly hooked on “dried plums” – which are also known as prunes – because they are very sweet, go well with coffee, and just are…weirdly satisfying.  Go figure.)

Total:  1,390.