Still here July 9, 2009

I’m still plugging along.

In case anyone was wondering.

My weight stays around 158, give or take a couple of pounds.  And it only stays in that range because I continue to renew my commitment to this lifestyle every single day.

It’s not easy.  In fact, lately, I’ve become plagued by Crazed Addict Fatgirl even on days when I make up my mind to refrain from over-indulging.  It’s almost hard to remember what it was like to be so committed to my new ways that I did not WANT to eat junk food or pig out with no restraint. 

I do know that after I got going and stayed committed for several days in a row, Crazed Addict Fatgirl’s lying voice got much fainter, much less powerful.  But it’s been several weeks since I’ve had more than one “good day” in a row.  I think that’s definitely part of the problem.  My old mindset of using food for entertainment – of deliberately seeking out unlimited amounts of the fattening foods I enjoy – is so easily resurrected.  All it takes is a few days of caving to Crazed Addict Fatgirl, and I start to absolutely CHAFFE at any sort of restriction when I try to “get back in the saddle.”

Yesterday was a great case in point.

My resolve is the strongest throughout the morning.  It tends to wane as the day wears on.  Yesterday afternoon, I found myself sitting around, toying with the idea of going to Chick-Fil-A for lunch.  I actually prayed that I’d be able to resist the temptation.  I needed to go out to the store, and it’d be way too easy to swing on over to where Chick-Fil-A is located.

I went ahead and had a Slim-Fast instead.  I knew that I’d feel too full to be enticed by large amounts of fast food once I’d had my shake.

I went to the store, did my errand.  As I was getting back into my car, I realized that I was NOT satisfied with just the Slim-Fast.  I still was not going to go to Chick-Fil-A, but I suddenly remembered the bag of barbecue potato chips that I’d bought a week or two ago.  Immediately, I knew what I was going to do.

And this is where Crazed Addict Fatgirl comes in.

A part of me really did NOT want to eat a bunch of chips.  But then a larger part of me totally did, and Crazed Addict Fatgirl came and took possession of my thoughts.  When Crazed Addict Fatgirl is in residence, she has me convinced that wolfing down as many potato chips as I can stand will not hurt me.  I actually get this weird giddy rush of excitement as I contemplate how much fun the over-indulgence is going to be.  I feel a sort of bizarre “high” about it.  I’m carefree and full of anticipation, and at that moment, I utterly do not care about eating healthy foods, eating well, keeping my weight within a good range, or fitting into my clothes.

It’s really strange.

So I came home and ripped open the chip bag, poured a huge glass of Diet Coke, and sat down to zone out and eat.  I think I put away half the bag before getting sick of the taste.  At one point, I realized that I was almost not able to eat the chips fast enough, so great was my weird urgency to keep the barbecue flavor inside my mouth.

Strange strange strange.

I didn’t really feel too bad afterward.  Sometimes, especially after having too many potato chips, I actually feel sick, but not yesterday.  Later, I felt regret.  But in the moment – it’s crazy. 

It’s Crazed Addict Fatgirl.

I’m pretty sure I will always be plagued by this…CREATURE.  I do know that her voice gets fainter if I don’t indulge her bizarre whims.  I do know that if I could just resist her possession, if I could just distract myself from her lures, she does lose power over me.

These days, I have a much more heartfelt sympathy for those “loser” alcoholics or drug addicts who keep falling off the wagon.  I know what it’s like.  My thoughts lie to me…and I choose to believe their lies.  I eat the foods that trigger more lying thoughts…which puts me right back into the out-of-control cycle, where I feel powerless to resist food.  It’s definitely an addiction.

I’ve been cleaning out my closet, and I am NOT tossing all my fat-chick clothes.  Instead, I’m putting them in clear plastic bins down in the basement.  I hope that with my daily renewed commitment, I never will need them again.  I do continue to eat my fruits and vegetables, and I do exercise intensely just about every day.  But my addictive personality - the part of me that slips so easily into the habit of using an over-indulgence of fattening foods for entertainment – puts me at real risk of being fat again.

I need to quit lying to myself.

I need to put Crazed Addict Fatgirl in her place.

I need to remember that once I get past the first couple of days, it’s REALLY NOT THAT HARD to exercise portion control.

I’m heading out to my parents’ place for a two-week vacation, and in a bizarre way, I’m actually thinking that it will be easier to get back into a groove over there.  My mom and dad have been complaining greatly of money woes and aren’t doing nearly the dining out and the self-indulgent eating that they’ve done in the past.  When I was out there last time, it was easy to fend for myself and just have a Lean Cuisine for dinner, and dinner is when I struggle the most.  Dinner, and stupid junk food snacks like potato chips.

So I’m still here.  Still committed.  Still plugging along.  With a renewed commitment to quit listening to lying Crazed Addict Fatgirl.

Pulling it together…yet again July 1, 2008

So the past week has been pretty bad for me and my diet plan. 

For whatever reason, Crazed Addict Fatgirl took up residence in my thinking for several days.  I got into this weird obsession with garlic bread and white wine, to the point where I deliberately went to the store and bought several loaves of the best frozen “cabatta bread” that I’d found.  My mindset at that moment was, “Oh, I’m here now, the bread is here, I’ll buy it for those moments – few and far between – when I really ‘need’ to have some bread.”

But the truth was, knowing that it’s in the freezer has been pretty much all it’s taken to make popping a loaf in the oven something of a nightly ritual.

My weight numbers have reflected this indulgance, too.  I was appalled this morning when I stepped on the scale and saw 164.5.  That is a 3 pound gain since my original low of 161.5.

The truth of the matter is, I deserve every one of those pounds.  Like I said, I’ve hit that Crazed Addict Fatgirl mentality, where I keep lying to myself.  Yesterday, I thought I was thoroughly recommitted to getting back on track after a couple of days of late-night garlic bread binges (I don’t just eat one small piece – I tend to eat the entire loaf, or everything but the little portion that my husband takes).

But then last night, I had a particularly disturbing phone conversation with my mom.  I love my mother with all my heart, but she’s definitely got her issues, one of which is a broken relationship with one of her brothers.  In her defense, I’d say way more than half of the conflict is not her fault.  Her brother – my uncle – has mistreated my mom since their childhood.

But he’s pretty much blown her off over the past few years, deliberately ignoring her and seeming to treat her as though she doesn’t exist.  Last night my mom announced her plan to write her brother a letter and “tell him her side.”  My mom has no sense of how to communicate, and the letters she’s written to other people have been simply horrible, seemingly abusive as she lashes out with some bizarrely irrational thought that her letter’s target is going to sit back and say to himself, “Aw, gee, she really IS right after all.”

That will never happen.

So anyway, last night my mom launched into this whole thing about how she was going to write my uncle a letter.  She was really into it, completely fired up with fresh anger over the mistreatment she’s suffered from him, even things that happened 20 years ago or more.

I was trying to reason with her, asking her if this really was the legacy that she wanted to leave for her grandchildren?  All these ranting letters to people?  Why write letters if you truly don’t care about the person anymore, as she claims with respect to my uncle?  Why?

She was totally irrational last night, and in the end, she turned her anger on me, accusing me of wanting to silence her and not let her express herself.  This is simply not true.  I’m actually only wanting to protect her from herself – from revealing to her brother that she actually cares enough about him, mean as he’s been to her over the years, to try to provoke a reaction out of him by antagonizing him with an angry rant.

When I hung up the phone, I was so upset that I could feel my heart racing.  I felt completely frustrated by my mother’s bizarre insistance on her right to “tell her side,” and by her total refusal to see how fruitless this whole thing was going to be…in addition to the fact that it would only make HER look like the crazy one.

I got off the phone and immediately turned on the oven.  Then I poured a half glass of wine and proceeded to bake and eat an entire loaf of cabatta bread.

Quite honestly, I deliberately CHOSE not to stop and think.  I knew what I was doing was foolish and self-defeating, but I didn’t care.  For the half hour or so that the bread and wine lasted, I felt just a little loopy and found some relief from the total stress of watching my mother try to destroy herself.

But then last night I felt terrible.  After my glass of wine wore off, my stomach was really upset.  I woke up a couple of times in the night with heartburn, and like I said, this morning I had a 3-pound weight gain.

So today I regrouped and thought about just what is going on.  Why am I reverting to these crazy old habits, using food as a stress reliever or boredom reliever or whatever, and then LYING TO MYSELF that it’s not going to affect my weight?  I seriously sat here and ate that bread last night while telling myself that it wouldn’t affect me.

But of course, it did.

Today I made a point to exercise before taking the kids to their 9 a.m. swim lesson.  After their lesson, I swam a little with them.  When I got home, I decided to run an extra mile, just because.  That was an excellent run – I did the mile in less than 11 minutes and didn’t feel much strain or discomfort.

I stuck with my plan, even though I was once again tempted by those slices of birthday cake in the freezer.

I am determined, BOUND AND DETERMINED, that I am not going to let this slide.  I am too happy with my smaller size, too happy with how good I look and feel, to allow Crazed Addict Fatgirl to dominate and control my thinking.  I am sickened by the week of lies, by the week of telling myself that 1,000 calories (or more, last night I think it was closer to 2,000 calories) of garlic bread isn’t going to make a difference.  What parallel universe am I living in, anyway, if I continue to do these kinds of things?  It’s crazy.

It’s Crazed Addict Fatgirl.  I thought I’d vanquished her, but she reared her ugly head.  Gotta get rid of her again.

I can do it.  I did it today, and it wasn’t that bad.  I’m going to do it again tomorrow, too.

Regrets June 26, 2008

I have to say, I really REALLY regretted indulging in that garlic bread last night!

Almost more than any of the rest of my “binge moments,” last night’s garlic bread fiasco made me miserable.  I really overdid it, to the point where the bread sat like a brick in my stomach.  Twice in the night I woke up with a heartburn feeling, almost enough to make me nauseous.

To top it off, when I forced myself to weigh in this morning, I was back to 163.  I’d gained almost 2 pounds from that over-indulgance.

Definitely not worth it!

I really need to remember this feeling the next time I am tempted by the desire to binge. 

It’s been so great to go to the swimming pool and feel like I look reasonably good in my swimsuit.  Today when a bunch of the snooty moms showed up at our neighborhood pool, I suddenly realized that I looked just as good as any of them.  For years, I’ve struggled with intense feelings of inferiority, bogged down by those extra 25 pounds I used to carry around with me.  I used to feel so ashamed of myself.  But now, although I’ll probably never be what I’d consider “model thin,” to where I’d want to wear a bikini, I at least feel like I don’t stand out horribly.  My figure is OK enough.  I’d say I probably look as fit as most of the other moms, perhaps better than some, definitely worse than others.

(And yes, I realize how “high school” this sounds.  But hey, it’s the truth, the reality of where I live.  I can’t change the fact that these other women are like this – but at least I COULD change the fact that I used to be fat.  And now, despite how juvenile and immature it is for a middle-aged woman to be concerned about being judged based on her appearance, at least I’m feeling like I can participate in the world around me.  I feel like I’ve managed to put myself on the playing field.  So, “high school” or not, it’s still an accomplishment!)

I don’t want to lose this accomplishment.  I don’t want to slide back into old habits which will eventually lead me to being out of shape and fat again.  Binging on garlic bread is simply not worth the price.

Cake-less but full o’garlic bread June 26, 2008

Well, making a commitment to giving up the birthday cake really did help me to resist the temptation today when I started thinking about all those pieces left over in the freezer.  I knew I’d promised my (anonymous, for the most part) audience that I wouldn’t cave and have cake, so I didn’t.  I was motivated by my desire to come back and report that I’d indeed resisted the cake.

But in addition to the cake, garlic bread has also been on my mind.  Specifically, the Kroger’s grocery store brand of garlic bread, the one seasoned with olive oil and rosemary.

So what did I do? 

I actually contemplated, tonight, after dinner, making a special trip to the store, just to buy some frozen garlic bread.  But I didn’t.  I withstood that temptation.

But then later, I started rumaging around in the freezer again, and I found a long-forgotten loaf of sourdough.  I thawed it in the microwave, then split it in half, marinated each half with a combination of softened butter and olive oil, and sort of winged it with the spices (Italian seasoning, garlic powder, a light dusting of cracked sea salt, a tiny sprinkling of fresh-grated parmesan).  Then I baked it, wrapped loosely in foil, with a couple of ice cubes thrown in to add steam and soften the crust where microwaving might have toughened it. 

It was delicious.

I ate three large pieces, and had a good-sized glass of white wine.

A part of me absolutely does not care.  I think that would be Crazed Addict Fatgirl, actually, even though she’s been mostly vanquished and her counterpart, Fitgirl, has taken residence in my body.

Yes, despite the fact that I look better than I have in years and am at the lowest weight I’ve been since my last successful attempt at Jenny Craig, Crazed Addict Fatgirl still rears her ugly head once in awhile.

Quite honestly, I’m not sure what to do about it.  I don’t want to see the numbers on the scale go up.  I don’t want to slip into lying to myself, as I said in my last post.  I want to be over that bad habit.

And yet – what possessed me with the garlic bread?

It was tasty, yes.  Very enjoyable.  I loved relaxing with a glass of wine and the bread as we watched a movie my husband had ordered from Netflix.  A part of me simply did not care about losing any more weight.

But there’s a part of me that knows that I simply cannot let this continue.  First the cake, and now the bread.  It’s simply stupid.

I think a huge part of my problem is what the Bible would call, “Making provisions for the flesh.”  Since bread and wine seem to be my weak spots right now, when there’s good wine on hand and I know it’s there, I’ve already practically committed in my thoughts to indulge myself.  I need to quit having the wine around, and I need to quit obsessing about the garlic bread.

I’d like to think that I’m over the bread.  In fact, I think I kind of am, since I had so much of it tonight.  I’m not going to be making any special trips to the grocery store to buy the “olive oil and rosemary” bread.  I’ve had my fill.

And now that the wine is gone, I’m not going to be replenishing that anytime soon, either.

I’ve made too much progress, come too far, to let things slip now.  Why should I allow Crazed Addict Fatgirl to take possession now, when I look good and feel good?

It’d be stupid.

Still going June 25, 2008

I haven’t been updating on a daily basis any more, because it started to feel like I was repeating myself.  Things have been plugging along.  I weighed in this morning at 162.3, another low.  I’m still following my food plan, basically, although I did have a few bad moments over the past few days.  And I’m working out just about every day.  I feel great and am very pleased that I managed to make changes.  It hasn’t seemed that terribly difficult to just keep going.  I actually enjoy eating reasonable portions and not stuffing myself.

The other day was my birthday.  There were quite a few food temptations that went with the special day.  We had a great cake, my favorite kind – extremely fresh white cake with white buttercream frosting.  It was even round.  (Something about a round cake just seems so traditionally “birthday-ish,” making it more appetizing for whatever reason!)  My husband also offered to take me out to dinner, anywhere I wanted.

But the odd thing was, I didn’t really want to go out for a big restaurant meal.  The night before that, I’d really over-indulged, making my favorite Caesar salad (something I continue to crave at least every few days) and having two large plates of it, along with multiple pieces of garlic bread.  My husband grilled steak, too, and I also had a generous portion of that as well.

When I woke up on my birthday, I honestly didn’t feel like going out for another large meal.  I actually WANTED to stay home and just focus on the cake.  So that’s what we did.  My dinner was a Lean Cuisine Chicken Fettucini with some cracked pepper and parmesan cheese stirred into it.  Some steamed green beans, seasoned with a bit of dill and a tiny flip of butter, rounded out the meal.  It was delicious.

I was proud of myself for making those choices.  And after we’d all had cake, I cut up the rest and wrapped the pieces individually.  Then I put them in the freezer.

Of course, the cake has been haunting me ever since.  It really was that good.  And unfortunately, the small pieces thaw quickly enough.  I confess that I had another piece the day after my birthday, and another piece today.  It’s not a good trend.  I can feel the self-deception coming on…I see the numbers on the scale dropping – albeit not that dramatically – and I tell myself that a piece of cake isn’t hurting my progress.

But I know that if I make this a habit, which it could easily become again, it’s going to start me on a downhill slide, away from the good changes that I’ve made.  I really don’t want that to happen.

Likewise, I’ve had another problem with craving garlic bread.  I’m not sure why, but over the past several days, I’ve basically emptied the freezer of all the bread we’d accumulated.  It just makes such a great snack, with a little glass of white wine.  I know it’s another bad habit, another thing that could undo all my progress if I let it continue.

And like I said, I continue to lose weight, just not quite as quickly as before.

I need to keep my focus.  I’d love, love, LOVE to see the 150s on the scale.  I haven’t been there in 10 years or longer.  I’m already at a lower number than I can remember, at least since having kids.  It’d be fun to get into the 150s, just to prove that I can.  I need to maintain a clear vision of what it is I’m wanting out of this.

I want to keep working out.  I want to hold onto the good habits I’ve managed to cobble out over the past couple of months.  I want to keep eating fruit and vegetables, keep eating the smaller (NORMAL!) portions instead of wolfing down huge burritos the size of a rolled-up newspaper.

All of those things seem relatively easy at the moment.  I’ve always enjoyed working out and have been able to keep up that habit for several years, only slacking off for the few months just prior to starting this plan.  So the exercise componant isn’t a huge obstacle.

And eating fruits and vegetables hasn’t been hard either.  Neither has portion control, after the first few weeks.

But the thing I worry about is this “lying to myself” problem.  I don’t want to slip into self-deception, telling myself, for instance, that a daily piece of birthday cake isn’t going to change anything.  It’s not a good habit.

So tomorrow, I’m committing to not having cake.  I’ll check in at the end of the day and verify that I stuck with my commitment.

 

Wednesday update June 18, 2008

The last few days have been pretty good. 

I had a particularly striking moment on Sunday, at Olive Garden.  During the time that I “put myself in food prison” (through the use of Lean Cuisines and a strict sense that I need to stick PRECISELY to the Jenny Craig-esque plan that I developed), I simply would not go to any restaurant that didn’t have some sort of low fat, low calorie option.  Olive Garden is good in that way – in one respect.  You can order soup and salad, and if you order the minestrone, and limit yourself to one breadstick, you’ll do pretty well.  I think the minestrone soup is quite good.  I enjoy it enough that it at least somewhat feels like a treat.

So Olive Garden is a pretty decent choice when you’re in food prison.  At least there is something reasonably good to order…unlike Red Robin’s menu, where the ONLY thing under 500 calories is a cup of their chicken tortilla soup.  A CUP of soup.  Hardly enough to sustain a person while everyone else is chowing down on French fries and burgers.

But…on the other hand…if you’re not in the mood for soup and salad, Olive Garden has few other menu choices.  I think I’ve mentioned before how I’m not a huge salad fan.  And Olive Garden’s salad can be all over the map in terms of quality.  Sometimes they barely put any dressing on it, and it will seem like mostly just huge, unwieldy chunks of iceberg lettuce mixed with onion slices.

On Sunday, I faced a dilemma.  As we were sitting with our menus at Olive Garden, I just wasn’t feeling the soup and salad.  I wanted something hot, a REAL entree, not just minestrone soup.  I noticed an item on their “For a limited time…” menu insert, something called “Chicken Milanese,” and when my husband urged me to just go for it, I weakened. 

The entire time before our food arrived, I was sitting there, sort of kicking myself.  How was I going to handle this issue?  I remember from my Jenny Craig episodes that one trick is to ask for half the entree to be boxed even before it arrives at the table, but I hadn’t done that.  I would have to just mentally split the plate in half and control myself.

Olive Garden’s Chicken Milanese comes with two chicken breasts, coated with Italian bread crumbs and then (I’m guessing) pan-fried.  Obviously not a very low-fat or low-calorie choice.  It also comes with tortellini stuffed with asiago cheese and covered in cream sauce.  Again, not a very good choice. 

And, it was very delicious.  After my first bite of the tortellini, especially, I wasn’t sure I could exert any self-control.

But that’s when I took a deep breath and decided that I simply was NOT going to eat more than one of the chicken breast pieces, and I’d only have half the tortellini, if that.  I reminded myself to slow down.  Actually TASTE the food.  Set my fork and knife down between bites.  Chew more slowly.

It sounds so silly, but I do need these reminders.  And as I made a conscious effort to actually taste what I was eating, to SAVOR it, I realized that it was taking me longer to eat the half that I was allowing myself.

And you know what?  By the time I finished one piece of the chicken, and perhaps less than half of the tortellini, I started to feel full.  I set down my fork and thought about the rest of the tortellini.  (That was the best part of the meal.)  In the old days, I would easily have polished off the entire plate, but now…honestly?  Half was MORE than enough.  I was happy to ask the server for a “to go” container.  Happy.

It was one of those moments when food ceased to have power over me.  I was not – somehow – obligated to finish everything on my plate.  I’ve always known this, and I’ve never been one to compulsively eat something that I don’t enjoy.  But when I do enjoy something, I’ve always had a problem with wanting the pleasure to continue until I feel sick.  That has always been why I gain weight – I have a weird mindset where I want no limits.  It’s why I would automatically order the large fries and always finish them.

But on Sunday, as we left Olive Garden, I realized that I did not have to live like that.  I could do this.  I could actually eat like a thin person, and do so with some honesty.  By the time I’d consciously tasted half the food on my plate, I truly did not want any more of it. 

It was quite freeing.  Maybe in the future, I’d be able to continue to order normal menu items, instead of keep myself in “food prison” by limiting myself only to the low calorie options.  Maybe.

I don’t know how I would ever handle a hamburger, though.  I doubt I could eat only half of it, and I still think it’s better to just stay away from places like Red Robin unless I simply can’t avoid them.

But that’s another struggle for another day.

Monday, the day after my Olive Garden triumph, I went shopping for some new clothes.  I have not had that much fun trying on things in simply YEARS.  I can’t remember the last time I felt so good about myself.  I’m very, very close to my goal.  That day, all the weeks of “food prison” and all the limits I’ve put on myself seemed like a tiny price to pay for being able to look stylish and normal-sized…for being able to feel like I was almost at my best, or as Oprah and Bob Greene would say, “Living my best life.”

 

A mixed bag June 10, 2008

The past few days have been a real mixed bag.  I’ve hit one of those set-points where I’m pretty much staying the same weight…mainly because I keep feeling EXTREMELY HUNGRY and deliberately set out to cheat.

Yet I’ve been working out really well, too.  I actually think my intense workouts have been fueling my appetite.

On Friday, I very intentionally purchased all the fixin’s for Caesar salad, and I very intentionally planned to eat a lot of it.  I also deliberately bought this super-fattening “Cabatta bread,” which was all gooey and cheesy and flavored with Italian herbs.  I emailed my husband and asked him to please pick up a bottle of wine.  I had it in my head all day that I was going to throw all restraints to the wind and eat what I wanted.

He obliged and grilled some wonderful cedar plank salmon.  I ate a large piece, along with several pieces of the cheesy cabatta bread and a HUGE bowl of Caesar salad.  It was all incredibly tasty.

I woke up on Saturday with, of course, the obvious weight gain of a pound (probably the saltiness of the dinner, if anything else).  But temporary or not, I fully deserved to see the numbers on the scale go up.

Saturday I remained true to my plan, despite obstacles.  I worked out hard, running 2 miles on the treadmill.  I had merely a Slim-Fast shake for lunch, because I knew our family was going out for a big birthday dinner that night, at a restaurant where there are essentially NO good choices.  At the restaurant, I restrained myself admirably, eating miniscule amounts of my favorite items and ignoring the rest.  I made do with one smallish piece of fried chicken and peeled off the skin.  When the chocolate cake was served, I had a very small piece and was hardly able to finish it.

On Sunday, I worked out before church and also remained true to my plan all day.  I never experienced any major hunger, even after essentially working out a second time when we took the kids to the pool to swim in the evening.

This morning, I woke up with a sense that I’d lost the pound I put on from Friday’s over-indulgance.  And I had.  I was 166, the same weight where I’ve remained mired for about two weeks.  I decided to go for a run in the neighborhood, because there is a loop of streets that is exactly two miles (once, out of curiosity, I drove it with my car just to know for sure how far it was).

But wow, when I got back from that run, I was so famished that I didn’t know what to do with myself.  My usual post-exercise snack of yogurt and fruit barely sustained me till lunch, when I was so hungry that I hunted down a frozen pizza (350 calories instead of the usual 190-calorie Slim-Fast shake) and wolfed it after eating a large plate of broccoli.  I had lunch rather late in the day, and I couldn’t believe it when I was starving barely an hour later.  I kept looking at the clock and longing for the moment when I could make dinner.

I almost went and got one of the large (and non-diet) turkey entrees from the freezer (at 460 calories), but I did not.  I had a Lean Cuisine Parmesan-Crusted Fish instead (delicious!  I highly recommend that one), along with some green beans and a small glass of milk.  That, and some dried prunes for dessert were ALL I was going to have for the rest of the night.

But then, about an hour ago, my husband and I were sitting around and talking about how hungry we both are.  I’ve been obsessing about the rest of the cabatta bread that’s still in the freezer, as well as the rest of the white wine in the fridge.  Once again, in an oddly deliberate, almost possessed Crazed Addict Fatgirl moment, I fired up the oven, baked the bread, and had 3 servings (at 210 calories each) with about 4 ounces of wine (half a glass).

The only thing I can say in my defense is that I’ve just been so incredibly hungry all day.  I cannot even explain it.  I know that when I feel this way and am able to withstand temptation, I will always have a glorious loss the next day and feel so happy about it.  But like I said – I felt literally possessed earlier, like Crazed Addict Fatgirl was right there, in complete control of me as I got the bread out of the freezer and heated the oven and baked it.  Typically, I do not struggle much with temptation if a food requires effort.  But this was one time when I didn’t even care.  I even was sitting here the entire time the bread was baking and thinking to myself, “I haven’t eaten any of it yet…I COULD still decide that I’m NOT going to have any…”

I just have to pick myself up and dust myself off.  I’m not satisfied with remaining mired at 166.  I would like to lose at least another 10 pounds.  That would bring me to a weight where I feel extremely comfortable in my clothes and good about the way I look.  All this sabotaging is sort of mystifying to me, beyond the fact that increasing the intensity of my workouts has seemed to dramatically increase my appetite.  I haven’t been this gripped by hunger in a long while.

So tomorrow, I am not going to make any provisions for Crazed Addict Fatgirl.  Once again, I’ve got to quit lying to myself.  I’ve got to decide that I’m not going to let this slip away from me…that I’m not going to cave to foolish temptation.

The week so far May 30, 2008

I’ve done pretty well this week.  For the most part, I have simply committed to sticking with my plan.  I don’t know that I’ve had any more significant weight loss – I seem to weigh in around 167, day after day.  But I continue to plug along.  I’ve lost 22 pounds since starting, and I keep telling myself I am not going to slip back into that mindset of lying to myself about how my daily food choices affect my weight.

I’ve always done that.  Even during the handful of times when I’ve been able to lose a significant amount of weight in the past, I would eventually hit this place where I would start to fudge in my commitment to healthy eating and/or portion control.  I would tell myself that, for instance, a daily treat of ice cream wasn’t hurting the numbers on the scale.  And initially, it wasn’t – at least, not in a huge way.  There might be a half-pound weight gain here, or a quarter pound there.  But the numbers would stay about the same.  Then I began to fudge on eating fruits and vegetables, focusing instead much more on what foods were entertaining, rather than which ones I ought to have.  That’s when things would begin to really go downhill.  The pounds would begin to creep back on, but still, I would lie to myself.  I’d gain 5 pounds and tell myself that it was ONLY five pounds.  But five would become seven, and soon I’d have to discard some of my “skinny” clothes and move up a size.

The truth is that staying in a place where I am honest about food and its consequences is a matter of vigilance and habit.  Unless I want to have to go through this process all over again, I cannot forget how hard it was to get some momentum…how hard it was to get out of that mindset of eating only for pleasure…how hard it was to train myself to be satisfied with smaller portions.

On the other side of the great momentum divide, I don’t remember how hard it was.  It seems easy now, because this is “just what I do.”  It’s become something of a new habit.  But for the first couple of weeks, the process was arduous and seemed practically hopeless and non-doable at times.  I don’t want to have to go through that again.  So I need to work, every day, on reminding myself to eat vegetables, focus on getting a balanced diet, and control my portions.

I’ve been pretty good about working out, although I had a couple of days where it was difficult and I never hit the point of feeling good while exercising.  Usually, that good feeling will kick in at some point, and that alone will motivate me to keep going.  But there were a couple of days – Monday and Tuesday – when I just felt weary the entire time and almost couldn’t wait for the minimum amount of time to have passed so I could quit.

But again, there will just be days like that.

I’ve hit an interesting spot in this process, too, because while I’m SO much better than I was, the fat spots on my body are more obvious now.  I don’t know if I can explain this in a way that makes sense, but when I started my diet, I was on the dangerous edge of becoming seriously overweight.  I was close to the magic number of 190, and my size 16 clothes were tight and flatly uncomfortable.  I was teetering on the brink of needing to buy new things from the “plus-size” stores.

So my immediate goal, what I thought I was mostly working toward at the beginning, was to get away from this dangerous territory, this sort of “weight sound barrier.”  I mean, if I had allowed myself to get to the point of needing to shop at Lane Bryant, I think I might seriously have just given up and figured that I’d never be able to make a serious change.

Well, that was a very legitimate goal.  I’m glad that something, some sense of self-preservation, DID kick in before I got to a size 18 or 20 and gave up hope for change.

But, interestingly enough, now that I’ve lost 22 pounds and am back into my “normal” clothes and can wear my old size 14 stuff (and even some size 12 stuff), I’m noticing a new level of “room for improvement.”  Whereas before, those first 10 or 15 pounds made the difference between “the edge of obese” and “being a normal size,” I’m suddenly at a place where another 10 or 15 pounds will make the difference between “normal” and actually having a fit, trim body. 

Like, yes, I can now wear a size 14 and manage to feel comfortable in it.  But when I put on my swimsuit, I still feel dissatisfied.

To put it yet another way – the first 20 pounds were about health and a return to a “normal” weight, and not becoming obese.  This next 10 or 15 pounds will be about being able to actually look really good.

Reality check May 27, 2008

I go back and forth in my thinking.  On some days, I almost can’t congratulate myself enough for having stuck with my new habits for over two months and lost 20 pounds.  It feels like a huge accomplishment, given the problems I’ve had for years with making commitments and then quickly giving up.  I also feel like I’m “almost there” in terms of how I look.  I can wear a lot of the clothes that haven’t fit in years, which seems like another huge accomplishment.

But…

Well, today I tried on one of my favorite swimsuits.  I hadn’t put it on since last summer, when it was shockingly and shamefully ill-fitting, to the point where I hardly appeared in public in it.  (I’d keep my cover-up handy and immediately slip it on when I’d get out of the swimming pool.)  Now, it does fit a lot better than it did last year, that’s for sure!  BUT…I don’t look nearly as svelte in it as I thought I would.  I have some very obvious saddle bags on my thighs…and back flab.

I’m going to have to work out harder, that’s all there is to it.  And keep focused!  I can’t afford to lie to myself and think it’s OK to slack off now.  I’m only halfway to my goal.  I’d really like to look GOOD in my swimsuit (well, as good as my semi-middle-aged body will ever look) and not just “better than my old fat slob self from last year.”  Yes, I’m happy that I’m not as bad as I was last summer, but I was just surprised at how far I still have to go.

The reality check of my swimsuit was very helpful, actually, in helping me to maintain my self-control.  Today while I was out doing some shopping, I had a strong impulse to get Chic-Fil-A for lunch.  And not just a salad and 6 nuggets, either, but a full-on meal with fries (I could smell the fries as I passed by and they wafted my direction).  I immediately put the thought out of my mind.  Crazed Addict Fatgirl was nowhere to be found.  I cannot afford to listen to her lying whispers for even a moment.  Our summer vacation is in less than 2 months, and I’d really, REALLY love to look better in my swimsuit than I did today.

Keeping it together over a long weekend… May 27, 2008

I’m in sort of a groove and not finding it terribly difficult to keep going.  I weighed in the other day at 167.8, which is the lowest number I’ve seen so far.  My size 14 jeans, which used to be so uncomfortably tight that I’d NEVER wear them, fit well now, to the point where they feel sort of baggy when I’m walking around.  Another 10 pounds, and I will actually NEED to get some new clothes, as even my old “skinny” clothes will be too big.  That alone is enough motivation to keep me on the “straight and narrow.”

But the thing is, it hasn’t actually FELT like the “straight and narrow” – my plan, my new habits, haven’t felt terribly restrictive.  For the most part, I’m enjoying feeling better, feeling healthier.  I have a lot more energy than I used to.  Also, I’ve hit that mindset where it feels more like a game to figure out choices that won’t interfere with my plan.  As it was in days of old, years ago, when I was at my lowest weight ever (which for me, being six feet tall, was in the mid to upper 140s…and I was downright skinny at that weight), I find that if I just focus on incorporating two servings of vegetables and two servings of fruit into my food choices each day, the rest sort of takes care of itself.

For instance, yesterday we went to PF Chang’s, my favorite “Chinese” food restaurant ever.  (“Chinese” is in quotes because Chang’s isn’t exactly straight-up traditional Chinese food…it’s more “Asian bistro.”)  My favorite dish at Chang’s is Kung Pao Chicken.  Prior to starting my plan, I actually made myself sick one night by eating an entire platter of Kung Pao Chicken ALL BY MYSELF.  There’s something about the spiciness that just gets to me.  I find it incredibly addictive.

Well, yesterday, we went to Chang’s, and I had the Kung Pao Chicken on my mind.  So I decided that I would have some.  But first, I ordered the “Buddha’s Feast,” which is their steamed veggies.  I ate almost the entire thing, as it was mostly asparagus tips, a few pieces of broccoli, a few carrots, and some mushrooms.  (I ended up sharing a lot of the veggies with my kids, who kept asking for more – and why would I ever want to tell them “no” to vegetables???  I’d have to turn in my “Mom” license!  )

After all those veggies, I found that a small spoon of Kung Pao Chicken was more than enough, along with a small spoon of brown rice.  I probably had about a quarter of what I’ve eaten in the past.

Now, the Kung Pao Chicken is still an extremely high-calorie choice off their menu.  I wouldn’t eat it every day, or even once a week.  But since we don’t go to Chang’s all that often, it was OK to “indulge” a little.  And oddly, as I keep finding, a small amount is more than satisfying.

Saturday I did have an evening of some bad choices.  But they were rather deliberate bad choices, as I had a terrible hankering for Caesar’s salad.  I made a special trip to the store just to get some fresh hearts of romaine, which I then chopped and mixed liberally with creamy Caesar dressing, a bunch of fresh croutons, cracked pepper, and grated parmesan cheese.  It was fabulous.  I also made garlic bread, and Hubby grilled steak.  I ate large portions of everything and had a small glass of white wine.

The next morning – yesterday morning – I actually weighed myself and discovered that I’d gained a pound, up to 168.8 from 167.8.  That was enough to make me settle back in to my better habits. 

But I think a planned indulgence – as long as it is not more than once every couple of weeks – is not so bad.  At least it keeps me from feeling totally crazed and deprived.

But getting back to adding in veggies as a diet trick…well, it really does work.  Today I grabbed a bag of cut cauliflower, broccoli, and carrots and a container of ranch dressing to take with us on our outing to the museum.  When we stopped at Chipotle, I got my customary two chicken tacos lightly sprinkled with chicken, black beans, green salsa, and a very little bit of cheese.  Because I’d eaten that bag of veggies beforehand, I couldn’t finish the second taco.  The whole lunch was very satisfying.  It felt like just as much of a treat as a giant full-sized burrito had ever felt, and I didn’t end up feeling sick or bloated…and I was wearing my newly loose size 14 jeans.

Most excellent.

I’m going to keep plodding along.  I keep telling myself that I will get some new clothes once I hit the 150s.  I’ll need them by then!