I made this site my homepage, so I see it every time I open a browser. I figure it will help remind me of what I need to do – how I need to maintain my focus on what I want, so that Crazed Addict Fatgirl won’t have quite so much power over me when I’m faced with temptation.
This morning I weighed in at 167.6. That’s at least ten pounds more than I need to be in order to fit into my good jeans, but at least it’s not 173, which is what I saw the other morning.
I keep thinking back to a few years ago, when I was somehow able to have enough focus and commit to really making changes – not temporary changes, just to take off a pound or two, but true long-term changes, so that I was able to go from 189 to 153. I’m trying to figure out what it was like in my thoughts back then, when I managed to have enough determination to make it through several days in a row, which then led to gaining momentum, which is a reward in and of itself, which becomes motivation to keep going. I can remember that after a certain number of days – perhaps 8 or 10 days – the whole thing became like a game. I no longer struggled with feelings of futility, like there was no way I would be able to keep it up. Going out to restaurants didn’t immediately send me over the edge, where I’d throw restraint to the wind. Instead, I’d go to the Daily Plate and figure out my low-calorie options ahead of time. I’d go to restaurants armed with a plan.
And it didn’t seem hard or extremely sacrificial. Seeing the numbers drop was a huge reward, and like I said, pretty soon the whole effort became self-sustaining and didn’t feel like it was this gigantic lifestyle handicap.
I can remember reaching a point, after maybe a couple of weeks, where I’d grown used to the smaller portions and the feeling of never over-stuffing myself. I can remember how good it felt to eat just enough – to (for instance) go to Chipotle and order just two chicken tacos with a moderate amount of filling (chicken and black beans, salsa, and a small sprinkling of cheese). I’d have that and some broccoli and feel like it was a huge treat…and feel like it was just enough.
Once I got over the weird barriers in my thinking – that feeling like food HAS to be entertaining, and the belief that there can be no limits – it became just part of life, just another habit.
Addiction is a strange mental condition. You develop a dependency – whether mental, or chemical, or both – on a substance, and you associate that substance with fulfillment. You don’t realize it, but you end up thinking that the only way you can have true happiness, true fulfillment, is to be able to have the substance without restraints…even as you know that you don’t like the results of your lack of restraint, even as you know that after you over-indulge, you feel terrible.
The truth is that if you make it through enough days in a row while resisting the substance (which for me is unlimited amounts of whatever food tastes good or sounds good to me at the moment), you realize that your fulfillment is actually NOT dependent upon the substance. You definitely feel better, enjoy life more, and are happier with yourself.
I guess the key is breaking the cycle. You have to figure out ways to either distract yourself from the habit or find ways to experience a level of satisfaction without the habit. If you can break the connection between the habit and the idea that the habit is necessary for fulfillment, and make a NEW habit out of being fulfilled without the substance, the new habit eventually becomes a lot less effortless.
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