Thursday October 7, 2011

So, I made it through today and had pretty much no desire to deviate from my plan.  I ate what I should eat, and I worked out – went for a 4-mile run.  For some reason, running today wasn’t as exhilarating as it usually is.  I was kind of tired, and I didn’t keep the best pace.  But hey, at least I did it.

As I was running, my mind did its usual running-inspired ”intense wandering,” and I started to think back on what it was like – really like – when I started my original diet 3 1/2 years ago.  I remembered that it absolutely wasn’t easy…but that it got easier once I’d made it through about 5 days in a row.  Then it almost became like a game, to maintain that ever-so-sightly-hungry feeling no matter what.  I actually grew to like and enjoy that feeling and found a weird thrill in choosing restaurant items that would allow me to participate in the experience with the rest of the family but not get too full.

Anyway, if I can capture that mindset again and just not focus too much on the big picture, I will have success.  I am really concerned about having to give up my better clothes, particularly all my good jeans.  I would like to be able to comfortably wear my good jeans again.

Here’s what I ate today:

Special K bar (180); grapefruit (100); yogurt (100); Slim-Fast shake (190); tomatoes (150); broccoli (100); Lean Cuisine (300); milk (90); lemon snack cake (80).  Total:  1,290.

167.4 October 6, 2011

No, 0.2 pounds is not a significant drop.

But considering how Crazed Addict Fatgirl came back with a vengeance yesterday and took possession of my thoughts, it’s amazing that I didn’t see a major gain.

I thought blogging about my struggles would be a deterrent, but it wasn’t.  At least not yesterday.

I wasn’t feeling well.  I’d woken up with a migraine early yesterday morning, and after the migraine medication did its thing, I was left sort of drained and slightly nauseated.  I didn’t feel at all like working out, so I didn’t.  And then as the morning wore on, the thought of my usual snacks of fruit and veggies and my usual lunch of a Slim-Fast and veggies just seemed disgusting.  All I wanted was a big roast beef sandwich from Jimmy Johns and a bunch of glasses of Diet Coke.

(Honestly – I don’t know what it is, but when I get through a migraine like that, bread and Diet Coke truly seem to have a soothing effect.  That’s my excuse.)

So, that’s precisely what I did, even as Fitgirl whispered into my ear that this might not be a good idea and I might regret it.  Crazed Addict Fatgirl could think only of making my stomach feel better.  I proceeded to eat a gigantic sandwich and have my Diet Coke.

Then, since I’d already “thrown in the towel,” I threw off all restraints and had a milkshake at McDonald’s later in the afternoon.  Oh, I had an excuse for that, too.  I was still feeling kind of bad, and the ice cream sounded good.  We had a long afternoon ahead of us (daughter had a volleyball game at a school WAY across town, we were facing sitting through the game and then battling rush hour traffic to get home).  I was almost immediately sorry about the milkshake, as McDonald’s has totally changed their milkshakes and now they are gross.  Totally not worth the calories.  I didn’t even finish the thing!  What was McDonald’s thinking, anyway?  That a clear plastic Starbucks-style cup will somehow magically make a tiny portion and way too much chocolate flavoring seem better than it actually is?

My hunger never seemed to go away yesterday.  When we got home from the game and then turned around to dash off to go to Wednesday night church, I ended up having a Chick-Fil-A combo meal, complete with French fries.  I didn’t “Value Size” it, but still.  Crazy.

Indeed – Crazed Addict Fatgirl.

I was like a person possessed.

I did end up regretting all these bad choices last night, as I pondered the concept of my failure while lying in bed, getting ready to go to sleep.  Sigh.

I honestly think there is something that happens on around the third day of any dieting attempt (if it’s been awhile since I practiced portion control) that makes me feel physically ill.  It’s like something is happening in my stomach to make me crave carbs and no limits.

But today is another day.  I plan on going out for a run in a few minutes, and I actually have an odd hopefulness as I think about making better choices today.  I know I’m sort of starting over, back at Square 1, in terms of pushing beyond either the nausea or extreme hunger that comes after a couple of days.  I regret not pushing through those feelings yesterday.

But I know I can still get a grip.  I’m only ten or so pounds away from where I used to be, when my good clothes still fit me.  I can recapture the groove, the momentum.

The strange thing is, despite the addictive behavior of yesterday, the fact that I’m writing about it now – confessing it! – is part of the momentum for me.  I’m not just ditching this whole thing.  I’m still pressing on.

I think I’m going to pretend that yesterday didn’t happen.  How about that?  And when it feels in a couple of days that I might fall off the wagon yet again, I will blog about those moments as they are happening.  That might be interesting.

167.6 October 5, 2011

I made this site my homepage, so I see it every time I open a browser.  I figure it will help remind me of what I need to do – how I need to maintain my focus on what I want, so that Crazed Addict Fatgirl won’t have quite so much power over me when I’m faced with temptation.

This morning I weighed in at 167.6.  That’s at least ten pounds more than I need to be in order to fit into my good jeans, but at least it’s not 173, which is what I saw the other morning.

I keep thinking back to a few years ago, when I was somehow able to have enough focus and commit to really making changes – not temporary changes, just to take off a pound or two, but true long-term changes, so that I was able to go from 189 to 153.  I’m trying to figure out what it was like in my thoughts back then, when I managed to have enough determination to make it through several days in a row, which then led to gaining momentum, which is a reward in and of itself, which becomes motivation to keep going.  I can remember that after a certain number of days – perhaps 8 or 10 days – the whole thing became like a game.  I no longer struggled with feelings of futility, like there was no way I would be able to keep it up.  Going out to restaurants didn’t immediately send me over the edge, where I’d throw restraint to the wind.  Instead, I’d go to the Daily Plate and figure out my low-calorie options ahead of time.  I’d go to restaurants armed with a plan.

And it didn’t seem hard or extremely sacrificial.  Seeing the numbers drop was a huge reward, and like I said, pretty soon the whole effort became self-sustaining and didn’t feel like it was this gigantic lifestyle handicap.

I can remember reaching a point, after maybe a couple of weeks, where I’d grown used to the smaller portions and the feeling of never over-stuffing myself.  I can remember how good it felt to eat just enough – to (for instance) go to Chipotle and order just two chicken tacos with a moderate amount of filling (chicken and black beans, salsa, and a small sprinkling of cheese).  I’d have that and some broccoli and feel like it was a huge treat…and feel like it was just enough.

Once I got over the weird barriers in my thinking – that feeling like food HAS to be entertaining, and the belief that there can be no limits – it became just part of life, just another habit.

Addiction is a strange mental condition.  You develop a dependency – whether mental, or chemical, or both – on a substance, and you associate that substance with fulfillment.  You don’t realize it, but you end up thinking that the only way you can have true happiness, true fulfillment, is to be able to have the substance without restraints…even as you know that you don’t like the results of your lack of restraint, even as you know that after you over-indulge, you feel terrible.

The truth is that if you make it through enough days in a row while resisting the substance (which for me is unlimited amounts of whatever food tastes good or sounds good to me at the moment), you realize that your fulfillment is actually NOT dependent upon the substance.  You definitely feel better, enjoy life more, and are happier with yourself.

I guess the key is breaking the cycle.  You have to figure out ways to either distract yourself from the habit or find ways to experience a level of satisfaction without the habit.  If you can break the connection between the habit and the idea that the habit is necessary for fulfillment, and make a NEW habit out of being fulfilled without the substance, the new habit eventually becomes a lot less effortless.

It’s been a yo-yo life… October 5, 2011

If you’ve read much here, you’ve undoubtedly noticed that there’s an unfortunate pattern.  Once I got down to my semi-goal weight in the low 150s three years ago, I maintained my healthy habits for awhile.  I maintained portion control and made good choices.  I also worked out regularly.  I would do my elliptical or run, working up to 4 miles 4 or 5 times per week.

I had days of indulgence, usually weekends, but overall, I was able to keep my weight in the 150s.

That lasted for two years.

A year ago, I noticed my weight had begun to creep into the high 150s.  Sometimes, I would tip the 160 mark.  I remember being horrified when the scale read 163, and I immediately buckled down, went back to “food prison” (a more Jenny Craig-style plan, with Lean Cuisines for dinner and NO room for cheating), and got the scale numbers back down into the 150s.

But.

It did keep getting harder and harder, and my ability to stick with “food prison” grew weaker.  I’d fallen into my old habit of simply HAVING to have limitless quantities of chips, ice cream, and other snack foods.  I didn’t even make a pretense of portion control for dinner most nights.  I began cooking a lot more for my family, and rather than choosing lower calorie, lower fat recipes, I would make all the meals I love and then eat way WAY too much.

The numbers would yo-yo up and down, but I started noticing that the “downs” weren’t as low as they had been.  I would be happy to see 158, whereas before, 152 was good.

I remained pretty faithful in my workouts, which I suppose helped a lot with the weight control, as I really did start eating like my old piggish self.  Crazed Addict Fatgirl would almost always rule my thoughts, but I ran enough that I didn’t gain too much.

Then we went on a vacation to Disneyland, and because we walked SO MUCH, and because of time limitations, I did not work out.  I did not really get my heart rate up, and I did not work up a good sweat.  I also ate with total abandon, and when we got home, my weight was 163.  I was horrified, tried to go back to food prison…and never was able to get back in the swing of things.

Then it was Christmas.  I don’t need to say anything more.

The last time I weighed 163 was in February.  Then I started a full-time job, and it got to be more and more difficult to maintain my workouts.

The weight crept up.  165 and 167 came and went.  Over the summer 167 was a “low,” and the low 170s were the new horrifying high.

The other day I weighed in at 173, and I realized that I had crossed a point where too many of my good skinny clothes literally do not fit me any longer.  I’m finding myself feeling more and more self-conscious and wasting more and more time trying to put together flattering outfits.

It’s not good.

So for the past few days, I’ve been attempting food prison again.  Honestly, a really harsh reality for me is that Crazed Addict Fatgirl maintains her stronghold on my thoughts unless I vanquish her with totally strict portion control for several days in a row.  (I’ve decided it takes about 3 weeks of faithfulness and Crazed Addict Fatgirl’s lying voice loses its grip on me.)

This morning I weighed in at 169.  At least it wasn’t the 170s, but it’s still so much higher than it had been.  Last year I was 7 pounds lighter, and the two years before that I was 7 MORE pounds lighter…and it is depressing to realize that my addictions are have gained a hold over me again, to the point where I haven’t been able to stay honest and stay the course for more than a few days at a time.

The good news is, after my job ended last May, I did get back into somewhat of a good workout groove.  I can still run 4 miles pretty easily, and I’ve been using this new machine, a “Strider” (something of a cross between an elliptical and a stairstepper), as well.  The workouts have been good, so that piece is already in place.

I’m also finding it not that hard to have portion control – as long as I can fall back on my Lean Cuisines to get me going.  I need to do this for a week or two at least, just to see the numbers fall again.

Here’s what I ate yesterday:  Special K bar (190); grapefruit (100); Slim-Fast (190); broccoli (100); green beans (100); Lean Cuisine (290); milk (90); prunes (100).  Total:  1,160.

Yesterday’s workout:  25 minutes on the strider.

Here’s what I had today:  Special K bar (190); yogurt (100); Slim-Fast (190); carrots (80); dip (50); broccoli (100); Lean Cuisine (300); milk (90); Weight Watchers lemon snack cake (80); small apple (70).  Total:  1,150.

The Weight Watchers lemon cake was QUITE good – tiny (not at all like the Twinkie-sized thing pictured on the box…maybe a third the size of a Twinkie) but tasty.  It gave me a very small taste of something similar to the lemon pound cake I like at Starbucks, and it made my coffee taste good.

Today’s workout:  3-mile run (no time to do more).