I’ve decided it’s time to re-embrace my old good habits.
Yes, I’ve drifted for months. Every once in awhile, I’d have a “come to Jesus” day or two, and I’d blog about how I was going to turn myself around. But then the old bizarre thinking patterns would come back. Crazed Addict Fatgirl maintained way too much control of my thoughts. I’d have a couple of days of having all the pieces of the puzzle in place – enough veggies, a couple of fruits, exercise, portion control – but then around day 3, I’d think about ordering pizza. Or cooking some other fattening food.
The thought would send me down the path toward the action. Crazed Addict Fatgirl would lie, taking over my thoughts and assuring me that I could control myself. Or that it didn’t matter if I ate 4 pieces of pizza, since “it’s only cheese pizza,” which isn’t quite as bad as the kind with a bunch of meat toppings.
Because of Crazed Addict Fatgirl’s vice-grip hold on my thoughts, allowing her to take over after only a couple of “good” days is always a huge mistake. It always leads to failure.
Which is why I have not really taken off any of the pounds I’d put on over the past 10 months or so.
For a long while, I’d done pretty well at maintenance. I’d have my ups and downs, but despite some days of over-indulgence, I was generally able to hold my weight in the high 150s. That’s not “perfectly thin” for me, but it’s not bad, either. I was still able to wear all my “skinny” clothes, and I looked pretty good.
But sometime last fall, I started picking up some bad habits. I can’t remember if I’ve mentioned this before, but I developed a few secret food rituals that centered around the time I had to spend in my car in the afternoons, waiting for my kids at their new school. When the weather was warm, I had quite a bad Diet Coke addiction, which I never would have just by itself. No. I always wanted something salty to go with it. So that typically meant bringing a bag of potato chips along, or stopping at KFC to pick up some crispy strips. I’d orchestrate the whole thing so carefully, bringing my 2-liter of Diet Coke in an ice chest, along with a gigantic plastic cup full of ice. I’d also pack some of my homemade ranch dressing for the crispy strips.
My weight crept up a couple of pounds. I began to see 160 or 161 regularly. I would tell myself that those two or three pounds could come off in a matter of a few days…which was sort of true…and that my “secret” rituals weren’t causing me any lasting trouble.
Then over the kids’ fall break, we went to Disneyland. We had a great time, but we were so busy that I didn’t get around to working out like I’d planned. I figured that the miles and miles of walking we did would more than compensate for the lack of more intense exercise.
At the same time, I threw all food restraints to the wind. I discovered how much I LOVED the clam chowder soup in a sourdough bread bowl at one of the restaurants at California Adventure. I’d wolf the entire thing. I’d eat whatever I felt like eating, including desserts and whatever else. I even had a big breakfast of pancakes and eggs and bacon on a couple of the mornings.
When we came back from that vacation, I was a solid 163. And despite a dozen or so times when I vowed to change, that number never really dropped.
I resumed my workouts, often running 4 miles at a time. But then I’d throw all portion control to the wind, even when it came to my vegetables. I got into the habit of eating bunches of tomatoes and ranch dressing…along with whatever I felt like for dinner.
When I started my full-time teaching gig, the workouts got harder and harder to maintain, and my weight crept up some more. 163 became 165, which then became 167. On some days I’d step on the scale and gasp to see the 170s. I’d vow to get my portion control back. I’d vow to ditch my bad habits with potato chips and tortilla chips and sourdough bread. And ice cream after dinner.
But I realized that Crazed Addict Fatgirl has her old grip on my thoughts these days. And if I don’t embrace some days of food prison and vanquish her grip, I will end up being fat again. The high 160s, where my weight consistently remains right now, mean that I can’t comfortably wear my skinny clothes anymore. I lie to myself and say that it doesn’t matter. In the moments of temptation, when I’m really hungry and don’t feel like working at it, Crazed Addict Fatgirl reminds me of the few skinny clothes I can still squeeze into. And then I cave to temptation.
I realize that I just have to stop. I have to break Crazed Addict Fatgirl’s hold.
Something that has served to sober me a little and make me face up to the fact that Crazed Addict Fatgirl has been LYING to me was going through my old photos. I was looking at pictures from two years ago, from 2009. Particularly in some pictures from camping trips, I realized how much I miss wearing this one pair of shorts and these tops that I really like. I also realized how much I miss liking how I looked in photos. Lately, when my kids get hold of my camera and snap pictures of me, I’ll end up deleting most of them. I don’t like how wide I am with these extra 10 or 15 pounds.
I have to remember that once I get some momentum back, Crazed Addict Fatgirl does lose her power over me. If I can just string a bunch of “good” days together – where all the pieces of the puzzle are in place and I don’t overindulge – then I will be able to face real temptations and make it through them.
So that’s what I’m doing.
My weight today was right at 170.
Here’s what I ate:
Special K High Protein Meal Bar (180); grapefruit (100); Slim-Fast shake (190); broccoli (100); tomatoes (100); Lean Cuisine (310); milk (90); prunes (100). Total: 1,170.
I also did 1 mile on my new “stride” machine (something like a cross between elliptical and stairstepper).
We’ll see how it goes.
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