Still here

I’m still plugging along.

In case anyone was wondering.

My weight stays around 158, give or take a couple of pounds.  And it only stays in that range because I continue to renew my commitment to this lifestyle every single day.

It’s not easy.  In fact, lately, I’ve become plagued by Crazed Addict Fatgirl even on days when I make up my mind to refrain from over-indulging.  It’s almost hard to remember what it was like to be so committed to my new ways that I did not WANT to eat junk food or pig out with no restraint. 

I do know that after I got going and stayed committed for several days in a row, Crazed Addict Fatgirl’s lying voice got much fainter, much less powerful.  But it’s been several weeks since I’ve had more than one “good day” in a row.  I think that’s definitely part of the problem.  My old mindset of using food for entertainment – of deliberately seeking out unlimited amounts of the fattening foods I enjoy – is so easily resurrected.  All it takes is a few days of caving to Crazed Addict Fatgirl, and I start to absolutely CHAFFE at any sort of restriction when I try to “get back in the saddle.”

Yesterday was a great case in point.

My resolve is the strongest throughout the morning.  It tends to wane as the day wears on.  Yesterday afternoon, I found myself sitting around, toying with the idea of going to Chick-Fil-A for lunch.  I actually prayed that I’d be able to resist the temptation.  I needed to go out to the store, and it’d be way too easy to swing on over to where Chick-Fil-A is located.

I went ahead and had a Slim-Fast instead.  I knew that I’d feel too full to be enticed by large amounts of fast food once I’d had my shake.

I went to the store, did my errand.  As I was getting back into my car, I realized that I was NOT satisfied with just the Slim-Fast.  I still was not going to go to Chick-Fil-A, but I suddenly remembered the bag of barbecue potato chips that I’d bought a week or two ago.  Immediately, I knew what I was going to do.

And this is where Crazed Addict Fatgirl comes in.

A part of me really did NOT want to eat a bunch of chips.  But then a larger part of me totally did, and Crazed Addict Fatgirl came and took possession of my thoughts.  When Crazed Addict Fatgirl is in residence, she has me convinced that wolfing down as many potato chips as I can stand will not hurt me.  I actually get this weird giddy rush of excitement as I contemplate how much fun the over-indulgence is going to be.  I feel a sort of bizarre “high” about it.  I’m carefree and full of anticipation, and at that moment, I utterly do not care about eating healthy foods, eating well, keeping my weight within a good range, or fitting into my clothes.

It’s really strange.

So I came home and ripped open the chip bag, poured a huge glass of Diet Coke, and sat down to zone out and eat.  I think I put away half the bag before getting sick of the taste.  At one point, I realized that I was almost not able to eat the chips fast enough, so great was my weird urgency to keep the barbecue flavor inside my mouth.

Strange strange strange.

I didn’t really feel too bad afterward.  Sometimes, especially after having too many potato chips, I actually feel sick, but not yesterday.  Later, I felt regret.  But in the moment – it’s crazy. 

It’s Crazed Addict Fatgirl.

I’m pretty sure I will always be plagued by this…CREATURE.  I do know that her voice gets fainter if I don’t indulge her bizarre whims.  I do know that if I could just resist her possession, if I could just distract myself from her lures, she does lose power over me.

These days, I have a much more heartfelt sympathy for those “loser” alcoholics or drug addicts who keep falling off the wagon.  I know what it’s like.  My thoughts lie to me…and I choose to believe their lies.  I eat the foods that trigger more lying thoughts…which puts me right back into the out-of-control cycle, where I feel powerless to resist food.  It’s definitely an addiction.

I’ve been cleaning out my closet, and I am NOT tossing all my fat-chick clothes.  Instead, I’m putting them in clear plastic bins down in the basement.  I hope that with my daily renewed commitment, I never will need them again.  I do continue to eat my fruits and vegetables, and I do exercise intensely just about every day.  But my addictive personality - the part of me that slips so easily into the habit of using an over-indulgence of fattening foods for entertainment – puts me at real risk of being fat again.

I need to quit lying to myself.

I need to put Crazed Addict Fatgirl in her place.

I need to remember that once I get past the first couple of days, it’s REALLY NOT THAT HARD to exercise portion control.

I’m heading out to my parents’ place for a two-week vacation, and in a bizarre way, I’m actually thinking that it will be easier to get back into a groove over there.  My mom and dad have been complaining greatly of money woes and aren’t doing nearly the dining out and the self-indulgent eating that they’ve done in the past.  When I was out there last time, it was easy to fend for myself and just have a Lean Cuisine for dinner, and dinner is when I struggle the most.  Dinner, and stupid junk food snacks like potato chips.

So I’m still here.  Still committed.  Still plugging along.  With a renewed commitment to quit listening to lying Crazed Addict Fatgirl.