Regrets June 26, 2008

I have to say, I really REALLY regretted indulging in that garlic bread last night!

Almost more than any of the rest of my “binge moments,” last night’s garlic bread fiasco made me miserable.  I really overdid it, to the point where the bread sat like a brick in my stomach.  Twice in the night I woke up with a heartburn feeling, almost enough to make me nauseous.

To top it off, when I forced myself to weigh in this morning, I was back to 163.  I’d gained almost 2 pounds from that over-indulgance.

Definitely not worth it!

I really need to remember this feeling the next time I am tempted by the desire to binge. 

It’s been so great to go to the swimming pool and feel like I look reasonably good in my swimsuit.  Today when a bunch of the snooty moms showed up at our neighborhood pool, I suddenly realized that I looked just as good as any of them.  For years, I’ve struggled with intense feelings of inferiority, bogged down by those extra 25 pounds I used to carry around with me.  I used to feel so ashamed of myself.  But now, although I’ll probably never be what I’d consider “model thin,” to where I’d want to wear a bikini, I at least feel like I don’t stand out horribly.  My figure is OK enough.  I’d say I probably look as fit as most of the other moms, perhaps better than some, definitely worse than others.

(And yes, I realize how “high school” this sounds.  But hey, it’s the truth, the reality of where I live.  I can’t change the fact that these other women are like this – but at least I COULD change the fact that I used to be fat.  And now, despite how juvenile and immature it is for a middle-aged woman to be concerned about being judged based on her appearance, at least I’m feeling like I can participate in the world around me.  I feel like I’ve managed to put myself on the playing field.  So, “high school” or not, it’s still an accomplishment!)

I don’t want to lose this accomplishment.  I don’t want to slide back into old habits which will eventually lead me to being out of shape and fat again.  Binging on garlic bread is simply not worth the price.

Cake-less but full o’garlic bread June 26, 2008

Well, making a commitment to giving up the birthday cake really did help me to resist the temptation today when I started thinking about all those pieces left over in the freezer.  I knew I’d promised my (anonymous, for the most part) audience that I wouldn’t cave and have cake, so I didn’t.  I was motivated by my desire to come back and report that I’d indeed resisted the cake.

But in addition to the cake, garlic bread has also been on my mind.  Specifically, the Kroger’s grocery store brand of garlic bread, the one seasoned with olive oil and rosemary.

So what did I do? 

I actually contemplated, tonight, after dinner, making a special trip to the store, just to buy some frozen garlic bread.  But I didn’t.  I withstood that temptation.

But then later, I started rumaging around in the freezer again, and I found a long-forgotten loaf of sourdough.  I thawed it in the microwave, then split it in half, marinated each half with a combination of softened butter and olive oil, and sort of winged it with the spices (Italian seasoning, garlic powder, a light dusting of cracked sea salt, a tiny sprinkling of fresh-grated parmesan).  Then I baked it, wrapped loosely in foil, with a couple of ice cubes thrown in to add steam and soften the crust where microwaving might have toughened it. 

It was delicious.

I ate three large pieces, and had a good-sized glass of white wine.

A part of me absolutely does not care.  I think that would be Crazed Addict Fatgirl, actually, even though she’s been mostly vanquished and her counterpart, Fitgirl, has taken residence in my body.

Yes, despite the fact that I look better than I have in years and am at the lowest weight I’ve been since my last successful attempt at Jenny Craig, Crazed Addict Fatgirl still rears her ugly head once in awhile.

Quite honestly, I’m not sure what to do about it.  I don’t want to see the numbers on the scale go up.  I don’t want to slip into lying to myself, as I said in my last post.  I want to be over that bad habit.

And yet – what possessed me with the garlic bread?

It was tasty, yes.  Very enjoyable.  I loved relaxing with a glass of wine and the bread as we watched a movie my husband had ordered from Netflix.  A part of me simply did not care about losing any more weight.

But there’s a part of me that knows that I simply cannot let this continue.  First the cake, and now the bread.  It’s simply stupid.

I think a huge part of my problem is what the Bible would call, “Making provisions for the flesh.”  Since bread and wine seem to be my weak spots right now, when there’s good wine on hand and I know it’s there, I’ve already practically committed in my thoughts to indulge myself.  I need to quit having the wine around, and I need to quit obsessing about the garlic bread.

I’d like to think that I’m over the bread.  In fact, I think I kind of am, since I had so much of it tonight.  I’m not going to be making any special trips to the grocery store to buy the “olive oil and rosemary” bread.  I’ve had my fill.

And now that the wine is gone, I’m not going to be replenishing that anytime soon, either.

I’ve made too much progress, come too far, to let things slip now.  Why should I allow Crazed Addict Fatgirl to take possession now, when I look good and feel good?

It’d be stupid.

Still going June 25, 2008

I haven’t been updating on a daily basis any more, because it started to feel like I was repeating myself.  Things have been plugging along.  I weighed in this morning at 162.3, another low.  I’m still following my food plan, basically, although I did have a few bad moments over the past few days.  And I’m working out just about every day.  I feel great and am very pleased that I managed to make changes.  It hasn’t seemed that terribly difficult to just keep going.  I actually enjoy eating reasonable portions and not stuffing myself.

The other day was my birthday.  There were quite a few food temptations that went with the special day.  We had a great cake, my favorite kind – extremely fresh white cake with white buttercream frosting.  It was even round.  (Something about a round cake just seems so traditionally “birthday-ish,” making it more appetizing for whatever reason!)  My husband also offered to take me out to dinner, anywhere I wanted.

But the odd thing was, I didn’t really want to go out for a big restaurant meal.  The night before that, I’d really over-indulged, making my favorite Caesar salad (something I continue to crave at least every few days) and having two large plates of it, along with multiple pieces of garlic bread.  My husband grilled steak, too, and I also had a generous portion of that as well.

When I woke up on my birthday, I honestly didn’t feel like going out for another large meal.  I actually WANTED to stay home and just focus on the cake.  So that’s what we did.  My dinner was a Lean Cuisine Chicken Fettucini with some cracked pepper and parmesan cheese stirred into it.  Some steamed green beans, seasoned with a bit of dill and a tiny flip of butter, rounded out the meal.  It was delicious.

I was proud of myself for making those choices.  And after we’d all had cake, I cut up the rest and wrapped the pieces individually.  Then I put them in the freezer.

Of course, the cake has been haunting me ever since.  It really was that good.  And unfortunately, the small pieces thaw quickly enough.  I confess that I had another piece the day after my birthday, and another piece today.  It’s not a good trend.  I can feel the self-deception coming on…I see the numbers on the scale dropping – albeit not that dramatically – and I tell myself that a piece of cake isn’t hurting my progress.

But I know that if I make this a habit, which it could easily become again, it’s going to start me on a downhill slide, away from the good changes that I’ve made.  I really don’t want that to happen.

Likewise, I’ve had another problem with craving garlic bread.  I’m not sure why, but over the past several days, I’ve basically emptied the freezer of all the bread we’d accumulated.  It just makes such a great snack, with a little glass of white wine.  I know it’s another bad habit, another thing that could undo all my progress if I let it continue.

And like I said, I continue to lose weight, just not quite as quickly as before.

I need to keep my focus.  I’d love, love, LOVE to see the 150s on the scale.  I haven’t been there in 10 years or longer.  I’m already at a lower number than I can remember, at least since having kids.  It’d be fun to get into the 150s, just to prove that I can.  I need to maintain a clear vision of what it is I’m wanting out of this.

I want to keep working out.  I want to hold onto the good habits I’ve managed to cobble out over the past couple of months.  I want to keep eating fruit and vegetables, keep eating the smaller (NORMAL!) portions instead of wolfing down huge burritos the size of a rolled-up newspaper.

All of those things seem relatively easy at the moment.  I’ve always enjoyed working out and have been able to keep up that habit for several years, only slacking off for the few months just prior to starting this plan.  So the exercise componant isn’t a huge obstacle.

And eating fruits and vegetables hasn’t been hard either.  Neither has portion control, after the first few weeks.

But the thing I worry about is this “lying to myself” problem.  I don’t want to slip into self-deception, telling myself, for instance, that a daily piece of birthday cake isn’t going to change anything.  It’s not a good habit.

So tomorrow, I’m committing to not having cake.  I’ll check in at the end of the day and verify that I stuck with my commitment.

 

Thursday June 20, 2008

I think I’m going to make an effort to really alternate my workouts.  I sort of got into a jogging thing, where I was running a couple of miles every day for the past two weeks.  At first, it seemed like this change in my routine (I’d been in the habit of doing my eliptical machine or else the stairstepper) really bumped up the calories I was burning – I was constantly hungry, eating a lot more, and yet still losing weight after having stalled out at 167 for weeks.

But today, it was pretty hot out, so I decided to use the eliptical machine again, since it’s in my nice cool basement.  I was really surprised at what a strain it seemed to be!  I thought that running would have built up my stamina even more, but instead, it was almost like I’d taken a couple of steps backward.  It was really hard to go for the full 25 minutes, and I even slowed down a few more times than usual to drink some water. 

So I’m thinking that in order to maintain my “eliptical abilities,” I’m going to have to switch off a lot more regularly.  I enjoy the eliptical machine quite a lot more than running, although running outside has been more fun than having to focus on keeping my balance on the treadmill.  I also feel like the eliptical is a better workout in some ways.  I probably need to do both, just switching off days.

When I weighed myself this morning, I was at something like 163.2.  That is the smallest number I’ve seen on the scale in at least 5 years…matter of fact, because we bought our newest scale only about four and a half years ago, I don’t think this particular scale has EVER shown me that number.  Heh. 

It feels REALLY GOOD to put on clothes and like the way I look in them.  Today I had to go to an end-of-year school party for one of the kids.  In the past, I would have felt terrible about the whole thing, having to show up there and hobnob with all the other skinny stylish moms.  I honestly do not believe it’s my imagination that a lot of them are quite snooty and only choose to hang with other skinny stylish moms.  It’s sort of funny how it’s like high school all over again!  They look each other up and down and assess each other by the size of their diamond rings and the precision of their haircuts.  I’m really not into that, but at least today I didn’t feel quite so totally “defeated before I even started,” if that makes sense.  In the past, I would have felt so ashamed of my extremely lackluster clothes, especially among that crowd.  I hated shopping for clothes 25 pounds ago.  Nothing cute fit, and the things that did fit made me feel big and frumpy.  I always ended up buying one particular style of blouse and then going back and getting one in every color.  Last year I had literally ONE pair of capris that weren’t too tight.

I am SO THANKFUL that I somehow managed to turn the tide!

I keep thinking about the old Jenny Craig slogan, from way back in the 90s:

Nothing tastes as good as being thin feels!

Really, that about sums it up.  Yes, especially during the first few weeks, when it seemed like I had so far to go, it was HARD to make changes.  It was hard to feel like I could stick with it.  Matter of fact, there were times when I honestly thought I could not do it.  There were times when Crazed Addict Fatgirl told me I simply did not WANT to do it.  But somehow, some way, I pressed on.

The other day, when I was jogging around the neighborhood and hit the particularly difficult uphill stretch, I didn’t feel like continuing.  I didn’t know whether I could continue.  I was tempted to slow down and walk it, but I started looking down at my feet instead of way up the hill.  I was running on the sidewalk at that moment, and as I watched my feet, I thought, “I can keep this pace for at least 5 more squares of sidewalk.”  Those went by in no time at all, of course.  So then I thought, “I can do at least 10 more squares.”  And I did.  Soon, I found myself more than halfway up the hill.  I kept my eyes focused only on the step immediately in front of me, and that really helped me to keep going.

I think sometimes dieting is like that.  We’re always being told to “keep our eyes on the prize,” to hold up our heads and look far into the future.  But especially when a diet is hard, like during the early weeks, I found it a lot better to just focus on making it through a single DAY, rather than trying to envision what I’d look like as a skinny person, or allowing myself to think about how much weight I really wanted to lose.  When I got to looking too far down the road, the whole thing seemed so impossible that it just made me want to throw in the towel and order a pizza.

But focusing on a single day – well, I know I can do anything for a single DAY, right?  And if you get enough days together, that makes a week.  After a few weeks…I started to see significant changes, and I started to feel better and enjoy a lot of aspects of my eating plan.

It’s like the Alcoholics Anonymous posters from the 1970s – “One Day At A Time.”

Or like the Chinese proverb/cliche:  “A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step.”

Some people are motivated by long-term goals.  Me personally?  I need something that requires a much smaller commitment of self-discipline.  Sometimes, a day was all I could do.  Sometimes, it was just an hour.

But the time did go by very quickly, and now here it is, not quite 3 months since I started, and I’m SO HAPPY that I stuck with it!  I can’t say that enough.

In case you’re reading this, and you’re facing a similar struggle, I would encourage you to figure out whether perhaps you’re like me.  Maybe thinking of the entire process all at once is way too overwhelming and too discouraging.  If that’s the case, try breaking it down into more manageable pieces.  It worked for me.  It could work for you.  And it’s SO WORTH IT! 

Wednesday update June 18, 2008

The last few days have been pretty good. 

I had a particularly striking moment on Sunday, at Olive Garden.  During the time that I “put myself in food prison” (through the use of Lean Cuisines and a strict sense that I need to stick PRECISELY to the Jenny Craig-esque plan that I developed), I simply would not go to any restaurant that didn’t have some sort of low fat, low calorie option.  Olive Garden is good in that way – in one respect.  You can order soup and salad, and if you order the minestrone, and limit yourself to one breadstick, you’ll do pretty well.  I think the minestrone soup is quite good.  I enjoy it enough that it at least somewhat feels like a treat.

So Olive Garden is a pretty decent choice when you’re in food prison.  At least there is something reasonably good to order…unlike Red Robin’s menu, where the ONLY thing under 500 calories is a cup of their chicken tortilla soup.  A CUP of soup.  Hardly enough to sustain a person while everyone else is chowing down on French fries and burgers.

But…on the other hand…if you’re not in the mood for soup and salad, Olive Garden has few other menu choices.  I think I’ve mentioned before how I’m not a huge salad fan.  And Olive Garden’s salad can be all over the map in terms of quality.  Sometimes they barely put any dressing on it, and it will seem like mostly just huge, unwieldy chunks of iceberg lettuce mixed with onion slices.

On Sunday, I faced a dilemma.  As we were sitting with our menus at Olive Garden, I just wasn’t feeling the soup and salad.  I wanted something hot, a REAL entree, not just minestrone soup.  I noticed an item on their “For a limited time…” menu insert, something called “Chicken Milanese,” and when my husband urged me to just go for it, I weakened. 

The entire time before our food arrived, I was sitting there, sort of kicking myself.  How was I going to handle this issue?  I remember from my Jenny Craig episodes that one trick is to ask for half the entree to be boxed even before it arrives at the table, but I hadn’t done that.  I would have to just mentally split the plate in half and control myself.

Olive Garden’s Chicken Milanese comes with two chicken breasts, coated with Italian bread crumbs and then (I’m guessing) pan-fried.  Obviously not a very low-fat or low-calorie choice.  It also comes with tortellini stuffed with asiago cheese and covered in cream sauce.  Again, not a very good choice. 

And, it was very delicious.  After my first bite of the tortellini, especially, I wasn’t sure I could exert any self-control.

But that’s when I took a deep breath and decided that I simply was NOT going to eat more than one of the chicken breast pieces, and I’d only have half the tortellini, if that.  I reminded myself to slow down.  Actually TASTE the food.  Set my fork and knife down between bites.  Chew more slowly.

It sounds so silly, but I do need these reminders.  And as I made a conscious effort to actually taste what I was eating, to SAVOR it, I realized that it was taking me longer to eat the half that I was allowing myself.

And you know what?  By the time I finished one piece of the chicken, and perhaps less than half of the tortellini, I started to feel full.  I set down my fork and thought about the rest of the tortellini.  (That was the best part of the meal.)  In the old days, I would easily have polished off the entire plate, but now…honestly?  Half was MORE than enough.  I was happy to ask the server for a “to go” container.  Happy.

It was one of those moments when food ceased to have power over me.  I was not – somehow – obligated to finish everything on my plate.  I’ve always known this, and I’ve never been one to compulsively eat something that I don’t enjoy.  But when I do enjoy something, I’ve always had a problem with wanting the pleasure to continue until I feel sick.  That has always been why I gain weight – I have a weird mindset where I want no limits.  It’s why I would automatically order the large fries and always finish them.

But on Sunday, as we left Olive Garden, I realized that I did not have to live like that.  I could do this.  I could actually eat like a thin person, and do so with some honesty.  By the time I’d consciously tasted half the food on my plate, I truly did not want any more of it. 

It was quite freeing.  Maybe in the future, I’d be able to continue to order normal menu items, instead of keep myself in “food prison” by limiting myself only to the low calorie options.  Maybe.

I don’t know how I would ever handle a hamburger, though.  I doubt I could eat only half of it, and I still think it’s better to just stay away from places like Red Robin unless I simply can’t avoid them.

But that’s another struggle for another day.

Monday, the day after my Olive Garden triumph, I went shopping for some new clothes.  I have not had that much fun trying on things in simply YEARS.  I can’t remember the last time I felt so good about myself.  I’m very, very close to my goal.  That day, all the weeks of “food prison” and all the limits I’ve put on myself seemed like a tiny price to pay for being able to look stylish and normal-sized…for being able to feel like I was almost at my best, or as Oprah and Bob Greene would say, “Living my best life.”

 

The past few days June 13, 2008

The past few days have been interesting.  I decided, after Monday’s run around the neighborhood seemed brutally intense and yet not undoable, to do it again on Tuesday.  I was able to run almost the whole first loop (1 mile) without breaking my pace of brisk jogging.  The second time around – the second mile – was a lot more difficult, especially through the uphill stretches.  Although you wouldn’t notice it while driving in your car, the large 1-mile oval made by the main street in our part of the neighborhood has dramatic variances in altitude!  My house is at the high point, and the first half mile (going one direction) is definitely downhill.  Then, the slope changes and there’s a long stretch of hiking back uphill.  I’ve decided that it’s the tough uphill sections that make running two miles on this route seem SO MUCH HARDER, in one respect, than running two miles on the treadmill.

BUT, in another respect, running outside, through the neighborhood, seems EASIER than running on the treadmill.  I don’t find myself feeling all tense and mentally fatigued from having to keep my balance and constantly focus on not losing my footing and flying off the machine.  I like the changes in scenery.  I like being outdoors.  And there’s something about it that feels more like “real running.”  Go figure.

Definitely, too, it’s harder exercise.  I come in and I am famished all day.  I’ve been eating a lot more than I had been, yet I’m still losing weight.  Today I weighed in at 164.6, and this is DESPITE the fact that last night I had a rather late-evening snack of a half glass of wine (gotta finish that bottle!) and some aged gouda cheese.  Typically, even the smallest amount of wine would make me have a noticeable weight GAIN.  But this morning, the scale showed that I’d lost.  Finally I’ve broken free of 166.

Today was my fourth day of running this route through the ‘hood.  It’s getting easier.  I really focused on maintaining a good jogging pace through the first mile and found that it wasn’t that hard to do, although toward the very end of the first mile I was feeling quite fatigued and eager to slow down to a brisk walk.  I even had crazy thoughts of doing the loop one more time, just to see if I could.  But then, by the end of the second mile, I was very thirsty and knew that I had too many things to do today to take another 12 or 15 minutes to exercise.

I wish that there was a way to take some water with me, without having to cart any sort of bottle.  I’ll have to figure out some way to accomplish that.

I also know that it’s a lot harder on my knees to run on the sidewalk than on the treadmill.  I’m not in any discomfort whatsoever – yet – but I’ve heard plenty of stories to know that it’s not such a good idea to push yourself in this way.  So I don’t know how long I will keep this up.  But it’s been, actually, a lot of fun to see what I can do.  As I said, it’s a lot less mentally taxing than running on the treadmill. 

Foodwise, I’m sticking with my plan as best I can.  As I’ve said, I’ve had moments of such intense hunger over the past several days that I purposely have eaten more.  Yesterday, I fixed a very large plate of broccoli with my lunch, and then I added a teaspoon of ranch dressing to dip it in.  It felt like a treat…and I STILL lost weight!  How funny.

I can sort of see what Bob Greene was talking about in his books, when he spoke of changing your metabolism by upping your workout ante.  This more intense workout is enabling me to eat more while still losing.

A mixed bag June 10, 2008

The past few days have been a real mixed bag.  I’ve hit one of those set-points where I’m pretty much staying the same weight…mainly because I keep feeling EXTREMELY HUNGRY and deliberately set out to cheat.

Yet I’ve been working out really well, too.  I actually think my intense workouts have been fueling my appetite.

On Friday, I very intentionally purchased all the fixin’s for Caesar salad, and I very intentionally planned to eat a lot of it.  I also deliberately bought this super-fattening “Cabatta bread,” which was all gooey and cheesy and flavored with Italian herbs.  I emailed my husband and asked him to please pick up a bottle of wine.  I had it in my head all day that I was going to throw all restraints to the wind and eat what I wanted.

He obliged and grilled some wonderful cedar plank salmon.  I ate a large piece, along with several pieces of the cheesy cabatta bread and a HUGE bowl of Caesar salad.  It was all incredibly tasty.

I woke up on Saturday with, of course, the obvious weight gain of a pound (probably the saltiness of the dinner, if anything else).  But temporary or not, I fully deserved to see the numbers on the scale go up.

Saturday I remained true to my plan, despite obstacles.  I worked out hard, running 2 miles on the treadmill.  I had merely a Slim-Fast shake for lunch, because I knew our family was going out for a big birthday dinner that night, at a restaurant where there are essentially NO good choices.  At the restaurant, I restrained myself admirably, eating miniscule amounts of my favorite items and ignoring the rest.  I made do with one smallish piece of fried chicken and peeled off the skin.  When the chocolate cake was served, I had a very small piece and was hardly able to finish it.

On Sunday, I worked out before church and also remained true to my plan all day.  I never experienced any major hunger, even after essentially working out a second time when we took the kids to the pool to swim in the evening.

This morning, I woke up with a sense that I’d lost the pound I put on from Friday’s over-indulgance.  And I had.  I was 166, the same weight where I’ve remained mired for about two weeks.  I decided to go for a run in the neighborhood, because there is a loop of streets that is exactly two miles (once, out of curiosity, I drove it with my car just to know for sure how far it was).

But wow, when I got back from that run, I was so famished that I didn’t know what to do with myself.  My usual post-exercise snack of yogurt and fruit barely sustained me till lunch, when I was so hungry that I hunted down a frozen pizza (350 calories instead of the usual 190-calorie Slim-Fast shake) and wolfed it after eating a large plate of broccoli.  I had lunch rather late in the day, and I couldn’t believe it when I was starving barely an hour later.  I kept looking at the clock and longing for the moment when I could make dinner.

I almost went and got one of the large (and non-diet) turkey entrees from the freezer (at 460 calories), but I did not.  I had a Lean Cuisine Parmesan-Crusted Fish instead (delicious!  I highly recommend that one), along with some green beans and a small glass of milk.  That, and some dried prunes for dessert were ALL I was going to have for the rest of the night.

But then, about an hour ago, my husband and I were sitting around and talking about how hungry we both are.  I’ve been obsessing about the rest of the cabatta bread that’s still in the freezer, as well as the rest of the white wine in the fridge.  Once again, in an oddly deliberate, almost possessed Crazed Addict Fatgirl moment, I fired up the oven, baked the bread, and had 3 servings (at 210 calories each) with about 4 ounces of wine (half a glass).

The only thing I can say in my defense is that I’ve just been so incredibly hungry all day.  I cannot even explain it.  I know that when I feel this way and am able to withstand temptation, I will always have a glorious loss the next day and feel so happy about it.  But like I said – I felt literally possessed earlier, like Crazed Addict Fatgirl was right there, in complete control of me as I got the bread out of the freezer and heated the oven and baked it.  Typically, I do not struggle much with temptation if a food requires effort.  But this was one time when I didn’t even care.  I even was sitting here the entire time the bread was baking and thinking to myself, “I haven’t eaten any of it yet…I COULD still decide that I’m NOT going to have any…”

I just have to pick myself up and dust myself off.  I’m not satisfied with remaining mired at 166.  I would like to lose at least another 10 pounds.  That would bring me to a weight where I feel extremely comfortable in my clothes and good about the way I look.  All this sabotaging is sort of mystifying to me, beyond the fact that increasing the intensity of my workouts has seemed to dramatically increase my appetite.  I haven’t been this gripped by hunger in a long while.

So tomorrow, I am not going to make any provisions for Crazed Addict Fatgirl.  Once again, I’ve got to quit lying to myself.  I’ve got to decide that I’m not going to let this slip away from me…that I’m not going to cave to foolish temptation.

The past few days June 5, 2008

I’ve managed to keep my commitment and my focus over the past few days.  I haven’t really had any moments of great temptation.  I’ve also worked out faithfully.  The other day – Monday, I believe – I decided that I would try running on the treadmill again.  I haven’t done that in awhile, as I’ve been enjoying both my old stairstepper and the eliptical machine more. 

Plus, there’s something about running on the treadmill that makes me feel ever-so-slightly unsteady, to where I never seem to hit that “sweet spot” of feeling wonderful.  I think it’s probably a balance issue.  I find that on my other machines, I’ll reach a point during my workouts where the exercise has quit being a chore and is actually highly pleasurable, to where I think I could keep going indefinitely.  The treadmill, though?  Never. 

I really wonder why that is.  Like I said, perhaps it’s a balance issue.  I’ve always been sort of clumsy, and I feel like I have to maintain an element of focusing on the treadmill – so that I don’t trip over my feet and go flying off of it - that I don’t have to do on the other machines.  But I’m not even sure it’s that.  Even when I hit a comfortable pace, where the jogging isn’t feeling utterly miserable, I still keep looking at the timer and eagerly anticipating when it will be over.

Also, I really don’t know what I should be striving for.  I wish I could hire a personal trainer for a couple of sessions, someone who would work with me and show me what a good pace is.  I mean, right now, I’m able to do a combination of walking/jogging/running and complete 2 miles in under 25 minutes.  I don’t think that’s an especially great, “fit” place to be.  I think people who jog regularly are able to do 5 miles without too much pain – I’ve read stories in fitness magazines of people who used to be overweight and out of shape, and after they’ve lost weight, they talk about running 5 miles daily.

So…I guess my question is, why would 5 miles take me more than an hour, and why would that seem like utter agony to me?  I don’t THINK I’m that out of shape.  I’m able to do the eliptical at a fairly decent pace.  I wonder if there’s something I’m not doing right when I go on the treadmill.  I know that sounds crazy, since we’re talking about something as simple as running.  But I’m puzzled by why running is such a misery for me compared to the other machines.

Still, I used the treadmill both Monday and today (did the eliptical yesterday), and I have to say, it feels like I worked out pretty well. 

Sometimes I wonder if it’s an issue of self-discipline.  The mental work of maintaining my balance and always feeling that slight sense of discomfort while on the treadmill cause me not to want to push myself.  I’ll crank the speed up to a “level 6″ (which is a 10-minute mile, so apparently no great shakes in terms of true running speed), and within about a minute, I’ll be so mentally tense and feeling like I can’t continue that I’ll crank it back down to a “level 4″ (very brisk walking), even though aerobically, I’m still comfortable.

I can’t ever seem to overcome that mental (or physical?) block of forcing myself to run for any length of time.  I really wish I could…but the other machines are just so much more pleasant.

Foodwise, like I said, I haven’t had any major temptations.  A couple of days ago, I had a few rebellious moments, where I deliberately made the large Stouffer’s turkey dinner (460 calories) instead of the smaller one, even though I’d already eaten about 1/4 cup of ice cream (“Peanut Butter Cup” flavor).  I was dishing out some for the kids, and it just looked so good that I didn’t care – I put a very small amount in a dish for myself as well.  But even that “small amount” weighed in at 180 calories, so I certainly did NOT need to load up on the big turkey dinner.  A Lean Cuisine would have been a much wiser choice.

And the funny thing was, the larger turkey dinner was actually too much food.  I finished every last bite of it, but those last few bites were kind of gross.  I kept sitting there, looking at my plate, and thinking to myself, “I don’t even WANT this any more.”  But Crazed Addict Fatgirl was in residence at that moment, and I somehow felt “obligated” to finish everything, even though I’ve gotten so much better about that mental trap.

But other than that, I’ve been pretty focused.  The ice cream hasn’t been a temptation since that one day, and I’m determined to keep going.

Forging ahead June 1, 2008

I think I’ve mentioned this before, but part of my struggle recently has been coming to terms with what I want out of this.

I’ve lost 22 pounds.  I’m not “dangerously close to being obese” any more.  I can fit into my old clothes, and I don’t feel all big and huge like I used to.  I also feel better, and if I were to go shopping for new clothes, I’d probably be either a size 14 or perhaps even a size 12.

I found an old journal entry that I’d made back in October, and in it I expressed that my goal was to lose 20 pounds and be a size 12.  Well, I’ve reached that goal.

But…the truth of this weight is that it’s fine, it’s healthy, but I still do not look my best.  (By the way, these are NOT the musings of a potentially anorexic person!  I’m just being honest here.)  I still do not feel completely at ease with myself in a swimsuit.  I’m much better than I was, but I still have noticeable hip and thigh bulges.  Also, I’m still not at a place where I’d feel confident that I could wear ANY fashion I want – I still am limited to things that hide my less-than-flat stomach.  I’ve been a lot more confident about my appearance before, and it happens around the 150 pound mark.  Weighing 150 for me – since I’m six feet tall – is a very good weight for fashion.  I’m still not super-thin (I really would not ever WANT to be “super-thin”!), but I can fit nicely into size 10’s and feel like all styles are reasonably flattering.

So my dilemma is, how can I stay focused so that I can lose an additional 17 pounds and reach 150?  I haven’t been there in so many years (I think the last time I was at that size, I’d just turned 30) that I don’t have a clear memory of how good it felt or what it would be like.  It’s very easy right now to be satisfied with where I am.  Yet when I put on my swimsuit the other day, I was surprised at how ill at ease I still felt…and how I know deep down that I’d really still like to look better.

The first 20 pounds were for health and just getting back to reasonably “normal.”  The second 20 pounds would be to truly LOOK good.

I think I really want to soldier on, to forge ahead.  I would really like to be a size 10 and to be able to wear anything I wanted, without worrying about disguising hip bulges.  I would really like to not feel self-conscious in a swimsuit.

I know I’m older, and I will never have a perfectly toned body.  Sheesh, I happened to catch a glimpse of Star magazine at Walmart when I was there several days ago, and they actually had this huge spread about which stars look awful in their swimsuits and which don’t.  I was really appalled at what they considered “looking awful.”  The celebrities that they picked on were far slimmer than any average Joe or Josephine that you’d see at the mall or the airport.  Their “flaws” were things like having cellulite or a flabby stomach or – this one struck me as particularly harsh – “bird legs,” legs that were too skinny.

I know that celebrity perfection isn’t attainable for many people – some of whom are the actual celebrities themselves! – and I’m not looking for that.  Not at all.  I know that I’ll always have cellulite in certain spots, and my stomach, after having kids, will never be all toned and flat.  But I at least would like, as I said, to not have to worry about disguising my hip bulges in a swimsuit.

Yesterday I deliberately chose to eat more than I should, if I’m going to keep pressing on toward losing more weight.  We went to Outback, and I put away a Caesar salad, mashed potatoes, two pieces of bread, a glass of wine, and a steak.  I even picked french fries off my kid’s plate (thinking they somehow didn’t count that way?).

The good news is, I didn’t go off the deep end nearly as bad as I did last time at Outback.  I did not order and eat a bunch of cheesy bacon fries as an appetizer, and I had one glass of wine, a small one, instead of two.

Also, this morning, I realized that even that one small glass of wine had been too much.  I really cannot take drinking anything at all any more.  That wine last night made me feel really sick this morning.  It’s even now lingering in my thoughts in an unpleasant way, where I know I won’t want to have any for quite some time.

Today I have my resolve back.  I’ve really not eaten very much at all today.  I had a South Beach bar this morning (140), a Slim-Fast shake for lunch (180), and an entree from the Weight Watchers menu at Applebee’s for dinner (according to their tally, it was 380 calories).  I’ve actually not eaten enough today, but I’m really not hungry at ALL right now.  I will have a snack later on, if I’m so inclined, probably some grapefruit and/or peaches (which would tally to about 150 calories).  That would make a total today of 850 calories…still not enough…but I suppose it balances out yesterday’s overindulgance at Outback.