The long haul May 10, 2008

I’ve decided that I’ve reached a point where I’m committed to this thing for the long haul.  Thinking long-term involves knowing that there will be occasions which - like our outing to the barbecue restaurant the other day - involve slip-ups.  But I’m of the mindset to just get back in the game.  After that episode at the restaurant, I’ve pretty much stuck to the straight and narrow the past couple of days.  One thing I’ve noticed is that my appetite really has undergone a change.  I’m not nearly so ravenously hungry.  A few days ago, I took my mom to lunch at Chipotle.  As usual, I ordered my two chicken tacos, each one filled with a sprinkling of black beans, chicken, cheese, and green salsa.  The lady behind the counter was a little more generous than usual with each of those ingredients, and when we sat down to eat, I found myself going way past the point of hunger as I finished the second taco.  I realized that in the future, I should probably just order one.  One chicken taco would be perfectly adequate.

I’m sure this doesn’t strike anybody as particularly amazing, but see, for me, this is huge.  It was only a couple of months ago when I would have felt seriously deprived if I couldn’t order a regular full-sized burrito, which is about as large as a small rolled-up newspaper.  This burrito would have been filled with chicken, three or four spoons of black beans, rice, green salsa, sour cream, and extra cheese.  And I could put away the entire thing.  In comparison, one single chicken taco is roughly one quarter (maybe even less) of that amount, also minus the sour cream. 

But I’ve discovered that I really don’t need any more than one taco.  These days, I’m not sure why huge portions and serious overeating held such sway over me.  I don’t know why I felt powerless to do anything about my weight in the face of my desire for unlimited amounts of food.  But I did…and now I don’t.  It’s a pretty amazing development, actually.

I guess it comes down to training.  Left unchecked, I’d developed a dependency on the mindset of having no limits, of being able to eat whatever - and more importantly, as much of - anything I wanted.  Placing limits on my food seemed like a HUGE, basically unthinkable sacrifice.  Time after time, I’d make attempts to diet, and always I would cave to my hunger, which I’m coming to realize was just as much (probably more) about my thinking as it was about my stomach.

The interesting thing is, if you create new stomach habits - even if your mind is not fully on board at the beginning - you can eventually retrain your thinking.  The times when I’ve overeaten in the last couple of weeks, I’ve felt so uncomfortable.  And I still can hardly even contemplate wine and pizza after my last overindulgence.  I have grown to dislike the feeling of being too full, which is brought on by eating strictly for the taste rather than for hunger’s sake.

So I guess my point is, if I can undergo such a major change in my thinking after just a couple of months, then anyone can.

I believe that this is the point - the seeming magic - of programs like Jenny Craig, where you are forceably trained to survive on small portions.  Putting myself in “food prison,” as I’ve thought of it, has utilized basically the same principle…and the reality is, gastric bypass (or the LAP band) is similar.  If you can get used to eating like a thin person - one way or the other - you’ll eventually reach a point where you prefer your new habits.

I guess that’s a word of encouragement for anyone just starting out.

Anyway, I continue to be committed to getting in shape.  I’m loving the way my clothes are fitting.  When he was in New York last week, my husband bought me a stretchy little t-shirt emblazoned with the title of the show that he saw there.  I put it on last night and realized that I actually didn’t look horrible in it.  In fact, it was pretty cute, cute enough that I wouldn’t feel ashamed wearing it in public.  I’ve also discovered recently that my size 16 capri pants are now so big that they’re just annoying.  The size 14s (yes, I own two pairs in different sizes) fit well.  This might not sound like much of an accomplishment, but last summer I had to quit wearing the size 16s because they were too tight.  I also tried on some other capris that I haven’t been able to wear in two years, and they also fit really well.  Such a great feeling!

I haven’t been religiously posting my food diary lately because it’s seemed unnecessary.  I still keep track of what I’ve eaten, and I’ve promised myself that if I slip up, I will report that.  But I don’t feel quite the need for accountability any more.  Like I said, I’ve reached a point where what used to seem like “food prison” has now become the “new normal.”