A couple o’ days April 30, 2008

I didn’t post an update yesterday, not because I’ve thrown in the towel, but because I was working on another writing project.

Once again, I’ve hit a stride where I’m feeling motivated simply by the fact that my clothes are getting bigger and I’m able to wear things I haven’t been able to zip up in years.  And yesterday, I bought the cutest tennis skirt and top, and when I put them on in the fitting room, I suddenly realized that I did not look bad in them!  I was no longer ashamed – as I had been – of my fat jiggling thighs or my overall bigness.  My legs actually looked decent…not as good as they did many years ago, when I was even slimmer, but hey, WAY better than they were a couple of months ago.

What a great feeling!

My tennis outfit is so cute, and I feel so good in it, that I want to go out and play right away.  Unfortunately, though, about the only person who will play tennis with me is my husband, and he’s at work.  The truth is, I absolutely SUCK as a tennis player.  We are lucky if we can volley back and forth three times without stopping.  But it’s fun to be outside, and it’d be fun to wear my cute new outfit.  So I’m even willing to humiliate myself in front of our neighborhood tennis mavens just for vanity’s sake.  Heh.

I’ve had a couple of minor cave-ins over the past couple of days, so I haven’t completely vanquished Crazed Addict Fatgirl.  The first happened Monday evening.  I’d been feeling terrible all day, like I was fighting off some virus or something, and so did my husband.  He wanted to order a pizza, which was fine with me, as the kids will eat that and it involved no work on my part.  I simply wasn’t feeling up to cooking anything.  I’d eaten my Lean Cuisine about an hour before the pizza arrived, so I really wasn’t hungry at all…BUT the pizza smelled so good, and the pieces were pretty small, that I rationalized taking “just a bite.”  One bite turned into two, which of course meant three, and then there was such a small amount left that I figured it wouldn’t hurt to finish the entire piece.  I knew it was stupid even as I was munching.  It didn’t even taste that good.  But it was there, and I caved.  I know this won’t have any long-term real consequences, but I don’t like feeling like I’m in the grips of some sort of weird compulsion to eat when I’m not hungry and/or when the food isn’t even that enjoyable.  What is the point?  The next time a situation like this arises, I’m going to remove myself physically from it for at least a few minutes, to break my train of thought – or rather, Crazed Addict Fatgirl’s train of thought.

Yesterday, I had a similar problem with the portion of casserole that my daughter didn’t finish.  (No wonder my kids are twigs – they only eat when they’re hungry!)  This time, it had been at least a couple of hours since I’d had my dinner, and I was actually feeling some hunger pangs.  But, once again, it started with just a nibble.  I thought I could take just one bite and set it aside – I’ve had some success doing so with things like ice cream, for instance, when all I did was lick the scooper after dishing some up for the kids, and that single taste was enough to put it out of my mind.  But last night, as before, one bite turned into two, which ended up being about a half a cup of casserole.  Again, not going to derail me, but just a weird compulsion when I’ve been doing so well.

Today I had about the best workout in recent memory.  I’ve discovered that using the old stairstepper has built up significant muscles in my legs.  I’ve been alternating between that and my eliptical machine, and I’m now able to keep the resistance on the eliptical cranked up a whole FOUR LEVELS higher than before.  It’s definitely a more aerobic workout than the stairstepper, and I’m feeling nearly the same tightening in my legs that I get with the stepper.  So I feel like it’s probably a better use of my time, since it also works my upper body.

Today, I hit that point where I suddenly felt like I could go on forever.  But I stopped after a half hour, because I don’t want to push too hard, feel sore and exhausted tomorrow, and have some lame excuse to skip exercising then.  I’d rather keep the very good memory of leaving the machine while feeling I could still do more, instead of overdoing it and tiring myself out completely.

I’ve been at this for a little over six weeks, and I’ve lost about 13 pounds.  It’s an incredible feeling…I’m so pleased that I’m not going to have to face the summer with my overweight and completely out of shape body.  Last year all my good swimsuits were creeping up, and I felt quite ashamed of myself.  I’m so glad that this summer will be different.

Weekend (and Monday) thoughts April 28, 2008

This past weekend went pretty well.  I had a “girls’ day out” with a friend, and I made the effort to pack a lunch.  Then, when we had Chinese food on Saturday night, I made sure to have some steamed veggies before diving into everything else.  Surprisingly, it wasn’t terribly hard to restrain myself with the Kung Pao chicken, one of my favorites.  I just had a little – but considering how high-calorie it is, still probably more than I should have – and felt satisfied.

Yesterday we had to go out to lunch at Applebee’s.  I was surprised, because they have an entire page of their menu devoted to Weight Watchers entrees, complete with calorie, fat, and fiber information.  I ordered a salad off of that, this gigantic platter of fresh spinach, chicken, roasted peppers, and some sort of spicy dressing.  It was surprisingly good, considering it was listed at 260 calories.  That seemed a bit optimistic, since it was so large that I couldn’t even finish it all.  After my Red Robin Whiskey River BBQ Chicken Wrap fiasco, I decided to be on the safe side and just used a bit of the dressing.  Overall, it was a satisfying lunch.  I really liked how they had the nutritional information listed.  That was great.

Today I feel like I’m coming down with something.  I’m vaguely headachy and suffering from a lot of sinus pressure.  I’m just counting the hours till I can sack out with some cold meds and go to bed for the night.  I did exercise this morning, before I felt really bad.  I figured, if I were going to get sick, I’d probably get sick whether I exercised or not, and considering how I took the weekend off, I really needed to get back in the groove.  Working out wasn’t terribly hard, and I even felt a bit better afterward.  But a couple of hours later, that’s when this thing really began to hit me – I even took a brief nap this afternoon.

It hasn’t been difficult to eat what I should.  I really don’t care too much about food right now, although I’m very hungry.  I think I’m going for comfort food tonight – gonna fix the Lean Cuisine roast turkey.  Something with gravy sounds really good, actually.

I weighed in yesterday and was at my lowest point yet – 176.6.  Today I wore some size 12 capris that I’d bought by mistake last summer, thinking I was buying size 14s.  The size 12s did not even come close to zipping back then, but I had this optimistic thought that I’d slim down enough to wear them.  I never took them back because they were just so cute.  They finally zip now…but they’ll fit even better in another 10 pounds.  I’m in a groove, so I can see down the road, when more success comes my way.

Friday April 26, 2008

I work occasionally as a substitute teacher, which always feels like an adventure.  Today was no exception, although I did have a few moments of regret for having taken the job in the first place, because at first I figured that I wouldn’t be able to work out today.  I’d really wanted to renew my commitment and be very disciplined for the next few days, after having so many days of flubs and slip-ups, and I did not want to skip a workout.

So I finally decided that I’d just get up a half hour earlier.  I used to do this all the time, at different points in my life.  When I simply had to lose weight after my first pregnancy – because I was my sister’s matron of honor and wouldn’t dream of walking down the aisle in that very clingy bridesmaid’s dress with my fat butt jiggling – I used to set my alarm every morning so that I could exercise while my husband was still home, so that he could watch the baby.

After those first shocking moments of forcing myself out of bed before I had to get up, it really wasn’t that big of a deal.

So I figured I’d do that this morning…and I did!  I actually got up at 5 a.m. and hopped on the eliptical machine.  I only finished 22 minutes, because I began to worry about having enough time to get ready and make the drive over to where I was subbing.  But hey, it was a huge accomplishment.

I also made a point to bring a lunch box packed with everything I’d need to make it through the day. 

Would you believe, after all that effort, though, that I had a few moments this afternoon where I almost threw in the towel again?  When it got close to dinner time, I began to fantasize about making a really good Caesar salad and some garlic bread to go with a nice grilled steak.  I nearly called my husband to tell him to pick up a couple of hearts of romaine when he stopped at the grocery store.  I entertained the thoughts for a lot longer than I should have, to the point where Crazed Addict Fatgirl had almost convinced me that it wouldn’t matter, that it wouldn’t get in the way of my progress.

But I knew that it would, and that I wouldn’t have any self-control once I tasted the Caesar salad.  Or the garlic bread.  And I’d probably be tempted to have a glass of wine to go with the meal, which would then throw me off once again.

Actually, it was the thought of the wine that suddenly threw a monkey wrench into my almost-rebellion.  Tuesday’s overindulgance really did make me that sick…or at least, my wine consumption has now become associated with having a horrible stomach virus in the middle of the night.

I put the thoughts of Caesar salad out of my mind.  I do not want to make any more concessions or allow myself any leeway for at least a few weeks. 

So here’s how the day went:

South Beach bar (140); milk (90); carrots (70); Slim-Fast Optima shake (190); grapefruit (100); yogurt (100); green beans (100); Lean Cuisine (300); milk (140); prunes (200).

Total:  1,430

Thursday April 25, 2008

Today was a great day!

First off, I was just so happy to be feeling normal again.  Then, I decided that I was going to get an early start and get some stuff done.  Usually, I have a routine where I work out during The Price Is Right, which is a great show to watch while listening to music on my iPod (it’s fast, it’s cheerful, and you don’t have to hear much to know exactly what’s going on).  But that usually means that I don’t get cleaned up and ready to run errands or whatever until close to noon.

So this morning, I decided to throw on some clothes and get my stuff done before TPIR.  By 9:45, I’d picked up dry cleaning, stopped at Home Depot for some supplies for a project, and been grocery shopping.  It was great to have those errands off my mind.

I switched up my workout once again – I’m back on my eliptical.  I have to say, using the stairstepper helped to build up some muscle in my legs, because I put the eliptical’s resistance two levels higher and really didn’t feel it.  It was a good workout.

I finished my project this afternoon, did some writing for my other online projects, and washed, dried, folded, and put away a ton of laundry.  I think I got more accomplished in one single day than I have in some weeks.

Foodwise, I was fine.  I’ve decided that I do better if I make a concerted effort to take in more calories earlier in the day and then space out the rest of the food throughout the afternoon.

Here was today’s menu plan:

Breakfast (6:15 a.m.):  South Beach bar (140); milk (90);

Snack/early lunch (11:15, right after I finished my workout):  Slim-Fast High Protein shake (190); grapefruit (70).

Snack (2:00):  broccoli (100)

Snack (3:30):  yogurt (100)

Dinner (6:00):  Lean Cuisine Chicken Fettucini (260) topped with 2 tsp. parmesan cheese (old Jenny Craig trick, 20); zucchini (100); milk (90).

Dessert (7:00):  Mrs. Smith’s Apple Crisp (100) (interesting diet snack available in the frozen foods section.

Total calories:  1,240

This was a very satisfying day all the way around.  Although I had a few moments of hunger in the afternoon, having the yogurt seemed to help.  I’m convinced that there’s something in yogurt’s cultures which switches off the hunger hormones in your stomach (I think it’s called leptin).  I have no scientific research for this, except vague recollections that they’ve done studies that yogurt seems to help people lose weight.  From my own experience, I’ve found that my appetite is under much better control if I eat at least one yogurt per day.  Interesting.

Wednesday April 24, 2008

Well, apparently I survived my awful stomach problem.  I still feel, as my 7-year-old would say, “a little squeazy,” but that just made it easier to stick with my plan today.  Here was the menu:

Cereal (220); milk (90); Slim-Fast (190); broccoli (70); milk (150); Lean Cuisine turkey (290); prunes (150).

Total:  1,060.

I didn’t eat enough today, but that was all I could manage.

Old habits die hard… April 23, 2008

One of our guilty pleasure used to be watching American Idol – especially as it got down to the final few contestants – while eating pizza and drinking wine.

I’m having a resurgance of Crazed Addict Fatgirl, because yesterday I found myself deliberately choosing to order pizza.  I basically called my husband and told him that that is what we were going to do.  He’s been most supportive of my efforts with weight loss, but I think even he has missed our pizza nights.  So unlike other occasions when he gently suggested that I probably didn’t REALLY want to do that, yesterday he was quite agreeable.

I did one good thing, which was to have some steamed broccoli ahead of time.  But that didn’t stop me at all from swigging a rather large glass of wine and 3 pieces of pizza.  In the moment, I thoroughly enjoyed the tastes.  Hubby had picked up a new kind of wine, and it was particularly good.

But later?

Well, today, I had hell to pay.  Actually, it started in the middle of last night, when I woke up at 3 a.m. with some of the worst stomach cramps ever.  Can’t even begin to describe the sheer agony.  I also had that headachey feeling.  Ugh is all I can say.

I never did fall soundly back asleep, and this morning when I was needed to help the kids get ready for school, I was completely not up to the task.  All I could do was lie in bed and moan, trying first one position and then another.

I’m not sure if last night’s overindulging that did it, or if I have some sort of stomach bug.  But whatever the case, I’m – literally – soured on the pleasures of pizza and wine.  I feel a bit better now, but just the thought of how bad I felt earlier is enough to make me vow to never, ever, EVER AGAIN eat like that.  Never.  No taste sensation is worth half a night and a whole morning of wretchedness.

I can’t quite figure out what happened to the completely disciplined mindset that I’ve had throughout the previous five weeks.  I seem to have hit some sort of a wall, where Crazed Addict Fatgirl has been allowed to return.  My decisions to deviate (and deviate badly) from my plan have all been made quite deliberately, where in the moment it feels like the completely rational thing to do – “Oh, come on, you’re so hungry, you’ve been so good, this one time won’t hurt.”

I need to remember how horrible I feel afterward, and how much better I’ve felt when I have been able to resist temptation in the past.  I’m not even halfway to my goal.  What’s going on here?  I wish I knew.

But it’s stopping now.  Old habits may die hard, but they CAN die.  Especially if said old habit makes you feel like you ARE dying.  Heh.

Monday April 22, 2008

Today I was determined to get back with the program.  I stuck with my food plan, but instead of doing a morning snack of fruit and yogurt, I decided to have a Slim-Fast High Protein shake at 11 a.m.  This sort of served as both snack and lunch.  I’d figured that I’d have soup for a really late lunch, but as the hours rolled by, I wasn’t really that hungry, so I decided to count the shake as my lunch. 

When 4:00 hit, though, I was suddenly famished.  I decided to have a very early dinner.  I steamed some broccoli and threw a Lean Cuisine in the microwave.  Now it’s evening, and I’d adore a snack.  Once I figure out my total calorie consumption today, I’ll see what I have left in my “calorie budget.”

Today’s menu:

Cereal combo (220); milk (90); Slim-Fast High Protein (190); broccoli (100); Lean Cuisine (290); milk (90); prunes (200).

Total:  1,080.

That means I can have a couple of wedges of Laughing Cow cheese and some Wassa bread.  Hmm.

Sunday April 21, 2008

I never got around to working out yesterday or today.  We had a lot going on, and plus, I just didn’t feel like it.  I’m going to resume exercising tomorrow. 

I’m finding that I need to renew my focus, so that I don’t forget my real goals.  I’ve definitely made some progress, to where some of the clothes that were too tight are now comfortable.  A couple of items are downright loose.  This is a great feeling.  But my goal is so much more than just to be able to once again wear my old “fat clothes” (which had become too tight).  I want to be in the 150s, so that I can have fun with stylish clothes and actually feel “slim” again.

And the only way I’m going to reach this goal is to maintain a more legalistic attitude toward what I do.  I’ve allowed myself to slip over the past couple of weekends.  This weekend wasn’t so much my fault.  I’m still quite upset over the inaccurate Red Robin Whiskey River BBQ Chicken Wrap information at thedailyplate.com, so much so that I actually went to their site and submitted a revision for that incorrect entry.  Here I “sacrificed” and ordered that wrap instead of a cheeseburger because I thought the cheeseburger (at 950 calories) was much more fattening than the wrap (at, supposedly, 390 calories).  Turns out that the wrap is 1050 calories!  Unbelievable.

Anyway…I really blew it at Outback, and then I unintentionally blew it yesterday at Red Robin.  Today I’d vowed to be better.  After church, when my husband asked me what I wanted to do for lunch, I said I was committed to just going home and having one of my soups and some veggies, since I really wanted to “get back on track” today.

He took me at my word and picked up KFC for himself and the kids.  But, would you know, the kids got a family-sized Popcorn Chicken.  And once again, I allowed myself a nibble.  It was delicious.  The door of my cheatin’ thoughts opened just a crack, and I began rationalizing.  I went to KFC’s own website and looked up the nutritional info for Popcorn Chicken.  (Not trusting thedailyplate anymore!!)  Turns out that a reasonable portion of Popcorn Chicken is only about 400 calories.  A gazillion grams of fat, but…

Like I said, once I’d opened the door just a tiny crack in my thoughts, that was all it took for Crazed Addict Fatgirl to come around with her rationalizations.  I decided in a moment that I could “spare” the additional 200 calories to have Popcorn Chicken instead of soup.

I’m not beating myself up about this, mind you – I don’t really regret it terribly.  But I do regret that slipshod mindset, because once I can “get away with” this sort of cheating, even on a small scale, I’m worried that I might make a habit of it.

The funny thing was, Popcorn Chicken doesn’t really taste that good after the first couple of pieces.  I think it is so much more incredible when it’s a forbidden food.  It left me feeling sort of leaden and gross the rest of the day, even though I didn’t have that terribly much.

Here’s what I ate today:

Cereal combo of 3/4 cup Smart Start with 1/2 cup Fiber One (220); milk (90); broccoli (70); Popcorn Chicken (400); green beans (100); Lean Cuisine (220); milk (90); dried plums (200).  (Yes, I am utterly hooked on “dried plums” – which are also known as prunes – because they are very sweet, go well with coffee, and just are…weirdly satisfying.  Go figure.)

Total:  1,390.

Saturday April 20, 2008

So today I attempted to get back in the saddle after last night’s total cave-in.  I did have a few moments of regret this morning, when I made myself get on the scale and see the damage I knew our huge Outback meal, the cheesy bacon fries, and large glass of wine had caused. 

I was right – the scale showed 180.4.

So yes, I had some regrets.

I decided the quickest way out of this was to just continue on as though nothing had happened.  When we were out shopping and the family wanted to eat at Red Robin again, I found it next to no trouble at all to order the “Whiskey River BBQ Chicken Wrap” again and limit myself to just two fries dipped in a bit of ranch.  I wasn’t able to get as many fruits and vegetables in, but I figure that saves some calories.

So, here were the tallies:

South Beach bar (140); Whiskey River Chicken Wrap (oh no!  I just consulted that website, thedailyplate.com, and I discovered – to my dismay! – that the Whiskey River Chicken Wrap is NOT low-cal at ALL!!  It contains 1,074 calories!  That original entry was wrong!  I cannot believe it.  I might as well have had a cheeseburger for the same amount of calories.  That is SO WRONG!); broccoli (70); milk (90); Lean Cuisine (310); prunes (200) (I had extra prunes because I thought I didn’t get enough food today, when I was still laboring under the 400-calorie Chicken Wrap delusion).  Total:  1,884.

Wow, I am so disgusted that I trusted thedailyplate.com.  A cheeseburger would have been 980 calories, FEWER than that flippin’ Whiskey River BBQ Chicken Wrap, and I would have enjoyed it more!  Unbelievable!

(Sorry for all the exclamation points, but I am really upset about this.)

Oh well.  Tomorrow is another day, and at least now I know not to go back to Red Robin anytime soon!

Friday April 19, 2008

Well, today went well enough until I sat down to dinner at Outback.

I worked out (30 minutes, vigorously, on the stairstepper).  I controlled myself, eating what was on my plan.  But then this afternoon I was out, and instead of going home first, I decided to beat the crowds at Outback and get a table for the family.

The kids were with me, and they’d had a very small lunch, so they were starving.  I knew my husband was a good half hour from arriving, but with the streams of people bombarding the restaurant, I didn’t want to put off being seated.  So I felt obligated to order something.  The only appetizer that the kids were interested in was the cheese-and-bacon-covered french fries.

I was famished myself, and by the time the fries arrived, I was so hungry that I did not care.  Plus, it was still happy hour, so I “felt obligated” to order some wine for both the grownups, too. 

I didn’t eat huge volumes of food, but I definitely consumed a LOT more than I ever would have if we’d just eaten at home.  My share of those fries alone contained more calories and fat than anything I would have eaten for dinner on a normal night.

But…well, it was what it was.  I can’t go back and change it.  And the thing is, I’m not that terribly sorry.  I’ll just pick up where I left off.