Fitgirl4life’s Weblog

one girl’s struggle to vanquish the crazed addict within and embrace fitness

An OK day… July 10, 2009

Filed under: Uncategorized — fitgirl4life @ 5:40 am

I didn’t work out today because I had a really poor night’s sleep, got up late, and just wanted to get out and run my errands.  But I didn’t cave to temptation and have a fattening fast-food lunch, even though I was tempted to.

So I can celebrate that.

We were out and about, and I suddenly had this hankering to take the kids to Chick-Fil-A.  Although I do find their side salad (with just a teensy bit of dressing) and 8 nuggets a perfectly satisfying lunch, I already knew that I was feeling rebellious and would probably have succumbed and ordered a sandwich, fries, and maybe even a chocolate shake.  So I stayed the course.  I reminded myself of how crummy those foods make me feel afterward.  I know I would have felt especially bad today, given my lack of sleep.

I came home and had a plate of raw cauliflower and carrots, and then a Slim-Fast shake.  The girls enjoyed the veggies, too, along with their own homemade lunches.

My one downfall was tonight at dinner.  I made a family favorite, this chicken-and-rice dish, and by the time dinner rolled around, I was very hungry.  I ate at least 3 servings of rice and drank two glasses of skim milk.  I’m sure my dinner contained about 800 calories.

But given the rest of my day – just a South Beach bar (190), veggies (100), and a Slim-Fast (190), I still stayed within limits.

And tonight my husband and I took a 3-mile walk.  We did it at a decent pace, too.

This is life.  I’d like to become more in tune with my hunger and listen to my body and not eat so much at dinnertime.  But at least I’m maintaining healthy habits otherwise.

I’ve been at this for a year and four months, and I feel like this maintenance phase is my biggest triumph.

 

Still here July 9, 2009

I’m still plugging along.

In case anyone was wondering.

My weight stays around 158, give or take a couple of pounds.  And it only stays in that range because I continue to renew my commitment to this lifestyle every single day.

It’s not easy.  In fact, lately, I’ve become plagued by Crazed Addict Fatgirl even on days when I make up my mind to refrain from over-indulging.  It’s almost hard to remember what it was like to be so committed to my new ways that I did not WANT to eat junk food or pig out with no restraint. 

I do know that after I got going and stayed committed for several days in a row, Crazed Addict Fatgirl’s lying voice got much fainter, much less powerful.  But it’s been several weeks since I’ve had more than one “good day” in a row.  I think that’s definitely part of the problem.  My old mindset of using food for entertainment – of deliberately seeking out unlimited amounts of the fattening foods I enjoy – is so easily resurrected.  All it takes is a few days of caving to Crazed Addict Fatgirl, and I start to absolutely CHAFFE at any sort of restriction when I try to “get back in the saddle.”

Yesterday was a great case in point.

My resolve is the strongest throughout the morning.  It tends to wane as the day wears on.  Yesterday afternoon, I found myself sitting around, toying with the idea of going to Chick-Fil-A for lunch.  I actually prayed that I’d be able to resist the temptation.  I needed to go out to the store, and it’d be way too easy to swing on over to where Chick-Fil-A is located.

I went ahead and had a Slim-Fast instead.  I knew that I’d feel too full to be enticed by large amounts of fast food once I’d had my shake.

I went to the store, did my errand.  As I was getting back into my car, I realized that I was NOT satisfied with just the Slim-Fast.  I still was not going to go to Chick-Fil-A, but I suddenly remembered the bag of barbecue potato chips that I’d bought a week or two ago.  Immediately, I knew what I was going to do.

And this is where Crazed Addict Fatgirl comes in.

A part of me really did NOT want to eat a bunch of chips.  But then a larger part of me totally did, and Crazed Addict Fatgirl came and took possession of my thoughts.  When Crazed Addict Fatgirl is in residence, she has me convinced that wolfing down as many potato chips as I can stand will not hurt me.  I actually get this weird giddy rush of excitement as I contemplate how much fun the over-indulgence is going to be.  I feel a sort of bizarre “high” about it.  I’m carefree and full of anticipation, and at that moment, I utterly do not care about eating healthy foods, eating well, keeping my weight within a good range, or fitting into my clothes.

It’s really strange.

So I came home and ripped open the chip bag, poured a huge glass of Diet Coke, and sat down to zone out and eat.  I think I put away half the bag before getting sick of the taste.  At one point, I realized that I was almost not able to eat the chips fast enough, so great was my weird urgency to keep the barbecue flavor inside my mouth.

Strange strange strange.

I didn’t really feel too bad afterward.  Sometimes, especially after having too many potato chips, I actually feel sick, but not yesterday.  Later, I felt regret.  But in the moment – it’s crazy. 

It’s Crazed Addict Fatgirl.

I’m pretty sure I will always be plagued by this…CREATURE.  I do know that her voice gets fainter if I don’t indulge her bizarre whims.  I do know that if I could just resist her possession, if I could just distract myself from her lures, she does lose power over me.

These days, I have a much more heartfelt sympathy for those “loser” alcoholics or drug addicts who keep falling off the wagon.  I know what it’s like.  My thoughts lie to me…and I choose to believe their lies.  I eat the foods that trigger more lying thoughts…which puts me right back into the out-of-control cycle, where I feel powerless to resist food.  It’s definitely an addiction.

I’ve been cleaning out my closet, and I am NOT tossing all my fat-chick clothes.  Instead, I’m putting them in clear plastic bins down in the basement.  I hope that with my daily renewed commitment, I never will need them again.  I do continue to eat my fruits and vegetables, and I do exercise intensely just about every day.  But my addictive personality - the part of me that slips so easily into the habit of using an over-indulgence of fattening foods for entertainment – puts me at real risk of being fat again.

I need to quit lying to myself.

I need to put Crazed Addict Fatgirl in her place.

I need to remember that once I get past the first couple of days, it’s REALLY NOT THAT HARD to exercise portion control.

I’m heading out to my parents’ place for a two-week vacation, and in a bizarre way, I’m actually thinking that it will be easier to get back into a groove over there.  My mom and dad have been complaining greatly of money woes and aren’t doing nearly the dining out and the self-indulgent eating that they’ve done in the past.  When I was out there last time, it was easy to fend for myself and just have a Lean Cuisine for dinner, and dinner is when I struggle the most.  Dinner, and stupid junk food snacks like potato chips.

So I’m still here.  Still committed.  Still plugging along.  With a renewed commitment to quit listening to lying Crazed Addict Fatgirl.

 

I Knew It! May 9, 2009

Filed under: Uncategorized — fitgirl4life @ 12:18 am

The other day, our newspaper ran a story that explains what I’ve come to view as my literal addiction to certain foods.  Here it is:

Dives into Dumpsters yield theory on junk food

He went in the middle of the night, long after the last employee had locked up the Chili’s Grill and Bar. He’d steer his car around the back, check to make sure no one was around and then quietly approach the Dumpster.

If anyone noticed the man foraging through the trash, they would have assumed he was a vagrant. Except he was wearing black dress slacks and padded gardening gloves. “I’m surprised he didn’t wear a tie,” his wife said dryly.

The high-octane career path of David Kessler, the Harvard-trained doctor, lawyer, medical school dean and former commissioner of the Food and Drug Administration had come to this: nocturnal Dumpster diving. It took many of these forays until Kessler emerged with his prize: ingredient labels affixed to empty cardboard boxes that spelled out the fats, salt and sugar used to make the Southwestern Eggrolls, Boneless Shanghai Wings and other dishes served by the nation’s second-largest restaurant chain.

Kessler was on a mission to understand a problem that had vexed him since childhood: why he can’t resist certain foods.

His resulting theory, described in his new book, “The End of Overeating,” is startling. Foods high in fat, salt and sugar alter the brain’s chemistry in ways that compel people to overeat. “Much of the scientific research around overeating has been physiology — what’s going on in our body,” he said. “The real question is what’s going on in our brain.”

The ingredient labels gave Kessler information the restaurant chain declined to provide when he asked for it. At the FDA, Kessler pushed through nutritional labels on foods sold through retail outlets but stopped short of requiring the same for restaurants. Yet if suppliers ship across state lines, as suppliers for Chili’s do, the ingredients must be printed on the box. That is what led Kessler, one of the nation’s leading public-health figures, to hang around Dumpsters across California.

The labels showed the foods were bathed in salt, fat and sugars, beyond what a diner might expect by reading the menu, Kessler said.

The ingredient list for Southwestern Eggrolls mentioned salt eight separate times; sugars showed up five times. The “egg rolls,” which are deep-fried in fat, contain chicken that has been chopped up like meatloaf to give it a “melt in the mouth” quality that also makes it faster to eat. By the time a diner has finished this appetizer, he has consumed 910 calories, 57 grams of fat and 1,960 milligrams of sodium.

“Betcha can’t eat just one” by design

Instead of satisfying hunger, the salt-fat-sugar combination will stimulate that diner’s brain to crave more, Kessler said. For many, the come-on offered by Lay’s Potato Chips — “Betcha can’t eat just one” — is scientifically accurate. And the food industry manipulates this neurological response, designing foods to induce people to eat more than they should or even want, Kessler found.

His theory, born out in a growing body of scientific research, has implications not just for the increasing number of Americans struggling with obesity but for health providers and policymakers.

“The challenge is, how do we explain to America what’s going on — how do we break through and help people understand how their brains have been captured?” he said.

Kessler is best remembered for his investigation of the tobacco industry and attempts to place it under federal regulation while he was FDA commissioner from 1990 to 1997. After he was elected in 1992, President Bill Clinton asked Kessler to continue to run the FDA.

Kessler’s aggressive approach toward the tobacco industry led to billion-dollar settlements between Big Tobacco and 46 states and laid the groundwork for legislation now pending in Congress that would place tobacco under FDA regulation.

Kessler, 57, sees parallels between the tobacco and food industries. Both are manipulating consumer behavior to sell products that can harm health, he said.

Whether government should exercise tougher controls over the food industry is going to be the next great debate, especially because much of the advertising is aimed at children, Kessler said.

“The food the industry is selling is much more powerful than we realized,” he said. “I used to think I ate to feel full. Now I know — we have the science that shows — we’re eating to stimulate ourselves.

“And so the question is, what are we going to do about it?”

The idea for the book came seven years ago as Kessler was channel-surfing and came across an overweight woman named Sarah on “The Oprah Winfrey Show.” While Sarah was successful in nearly every aspect of her life, she tearfully told Winfrey, she could not control her eating.

Kessler was mesmerized by Sarah — she was describing his own private struggle. “I needed to not only figure out Sarah — I needed to figure out myself,” he said. “Little did I know it would lead me into real fundamental issues of what makes us human and how our brains are wired.” At 5-foot-11, Kessler has swung from weighing 160 pounds to 230 pounds and back, many times over. He owns pants in sizes ranging from 34 to 42.

“I was a fat kid,” he said. “I grew up in the world of Entenmann’s cakes. I was pretty much of a science nerd. If you looked in my refrigerator in college, it was Entenmann’s.”

Every few years, Kessler would go on a diet and apply the kind of discipline that enabled him to earn a law degree from the University of Chicago while attending Harvard Medical School. “I’d lose weight and over time gain it back,” said Kessler, who also completed a medical residency at Johns Hopkins Hospital in Baltimore at the same time he worked as a staffer to Sen. Orrin Hatch. “I couldn’t control it.”

The man who took on Big Tobacco was helpless when confronted with a plate of chocolate chip cookies. He couldn’t focus on anything else until he had eaten them all.

“My weight was yo-yoing all the time,” said Kessler, who estimates that 70 million Americans struggle with conditioned hyper-eating. “And I never understood why.”

He embarked on a mission to figure it out while serving as dean of the medical school at Yale University and later the University of California at San Francisco. UCSF fired Kessler from his position as dean in December after he alleged financial malfeasance at the institution. The university maintains there were no financial misdeeds; Kessler says he was forced out because he blew the whistle.

He remains on the faculty at the medical school and lives in San Francisco with his wife, Paulette, a lawyer. They have two grown children, both of whom live in Washington.

Brains become addicted to fat-sugar-salt combo

Through interviews with scientists, psychologists and food-industry insiders — and his own scientific studies and hours spent surreptitiously watching other diners at food courts and restaurants around the country — Kessler said he finally began to understand why he couldn’t control his eating.

“Highly palatable” foods — those containing fat, sugar and salt — stimulate the brain to release dopamine, the neurotransmitter associated with the pleasure center, he found. In time, the brain gets wired so that dopamine pathways light up at the mere suggestion of the food, such as driving past a fast-food restaurant, and the urge to eat the food grows insistent. Once the food is eaten, the brain releases opioids, which bring emotional relief. Together, dopamine and opioids create a pathway that can be activated every time a person is reminded about the particular food.

This happens regardless of whether the person is hungry.

Not everyone is vulnerable to “conditioned overeating” — Kessler estimates that about 15 percent of the population is not affected and says more research is needed to understand what makes them immune.

But the key to stopping the cycle is to rewire the brain’s response to food — not easy in a culture where unhealthy food and snacks are cheap and plentiful, portions are huge and consumers are bombarded by advertising that links these foods to fun and good times, he said.

Deprivation only heightens the way the brain values the food, which is why dieting doesn’t work, he said.

What’s needed is a perceptual shift, Kessler said. “We did this with cigarettes,” he said. “It used to be sexy and glamorous but now people look at it and say, ‘That’s not my friend, that’s not something I want.’ We need to make a cognitive shift as a country and change the way we look at food. Instead of viewing that huge plate of nachos and fries as a guilty pleasure, we have to … look at it and say, ‘That’s not going to make me feel good. In fact, that’s disgusting.’ “

Kessler said he’s made that shift himself, eating small portions of foods that contain fat, salt and sugar, part of a “food rehab” plan he suggests in the book. He has certain rules — no French fries, ever — that help him navigate through vulnerable moments.

He has embraced indoor cycling — the first time he has regularly exercised — and he belongs to multiple health clubs so that he has more options for class times. He avoids the cues that focus his brain on “highly palatable” foods, going so far as to chart a different route through San Francisco International Airport so that he doesn’t walk past the fried dumpling stand.

Kessler’s weight is relatively stable at 162 pounds. And as he has come to better understand himself, the food cravings and the resulting anguish he felt have subsided.

“So I’m at peace,” he said. “After 30 years, I’m at peace.”

It’s funny – this article rings so true for me!  The part about how pathways in the brain become almost re-wired to give us a “high” when we eat certain foods makes total sense.  I can remember the day when I decided to start this blog, over a year ago.  I was feeling incredibly fat and was wishing that I could do something to make a change.  I’d weighed myself and saw a disturbing number on the scale – 189.5, which was about the highest weight I’ve ever been, aside from during pregnancy.

And yet you know what I did?  That day, the day before I started this blog, I drove to Chick-Fil-A to get a chocolate milkshake.  As I was driving over there, I was pondering why I was doing what I was doing.  A part of me KNEW that I’d feel disgusting afterward, and sad about my poor choice, considering how fat I’d gotten and how I was wanting to make changes in my life.  But even as I thought those thoughts and acknowledged them as totally true, there was this other part of my mind that was feeling almost giddy as I anticipated having the milkshake.

Personally, I suspect that the Chick-Fil-A milkshake is chemically designed to be especially addictive.  Even after I’ve successfully taken off 30 pounds, and have maintained these changes for over a year, I still find myself slipping into stupid addictive behavior over this particular food item.  I will feel almost a sense of inevitability about it when I “take the kids” to Chick-Fil-A.  I will tell myself lies about how it “won’t really affect me,” and I will feel the same weird giddy anticipation…and the same definite “high” as I’m drinking it, and even for a bit afterward.

So this article is especially validating, because this guy did actual research to prove what I’ve long believed to be true and have seen at work in my own experiences.  Like, I’ve found that I will reactivate my French fry addiction if I have them once or twice…and then I will feel angry and cheated if I once again attempt to QUIT having fries.  Yet what’s funny is that if I just stop eating French fries for awhile, I don’t even think about them.  I don’t crave them, and I don’t feel cheated at the thought of them.

So I do believe that we can re-train our brains with new food habits.

It’s cool to know there’s a bit of science behind what I’ve always believed about my own problems with self-control.

 

Movin’ on down… April 26, 2009

Filed under: Uncategorized — fitgirl4life @ 2:43 am

Well, today I weighed in at 158.3.  So I’m down 5 pounds from that gasp-inducing high weight. 

I’ve been staying focused on eating like a thin person.  I’ve had a couple of slip-ups, like last night when I ate a large cup of Dairy Queen soft-serve.  But yesterday, when my husband and I went to lunch at a build-your-own-burrito place called Qdoba, I ordered Mexican gumbo and brought half of it home.  I found that I was more than satisfied by a half portion.

It really is not hard to eat like a thin person, once I set aside my attitudes about pigging out.  I truly do not like feeling stuffed after a binge session, and like yesterday’s lunch, it’s much more rewarding to eat moderately.  Aside from having to end the pleasure of enjoying the food’s taste before I’ve completely burned out on it, it’s no great change.

 

Tuesday April 22, 2009

Filed under: Uncategorized — fitgirl4life @ 12:40 pm

So yesterday, in the morning, my weight was “down” to 160.3.  (I put “down” in quotes, because 160.3 is still 8 pounds higher than the lowest weight I’d reached, and I’m disgusted with myself for allowing it to creep back up.)

This morning I weighed again, and I’m now at 160.0.

So it’s gradually coming back down…but it’s going to take some focus.

Yesterday I did OK, although I knew that I wanted to make dinner for my family, and I knew I would have a difficult time controlling my hunger until 6:00.  Usually I eat my Lean Cuisine at about 5:00 at the latest.

So yesterday afternoon, I purposely had a snack of cheese and crackers at about 3:30, and that worked well to keep me from being totally famished by dinner.

Nonetheless, I had a difficult time controlling myself with portions.  I’d fixed what I call chicken pot pie, which is an easy casserole that my family loves.  It’s cut up cooked chicken breast, mixed vegetables, sauteed celery, and cream of chicken soup, topped with a can of Pillsbury refrigerator biscuits that have been split into thirds and brushed with melted butter and sprinkled with garlic powder.  It’s not necessarily a “bad” (fattening) thing, if you just take a little of the biscuit topping and a very moderate portion. 

I dished up a normal amount of casserole, and I would have been OK if I’d stopped there.  But I was very hungry, and it tasted really good, so I gave myself “just a dollop more,” and then (of course) “had” to pour myself another third of a glass of milk to go with it.

I have no idea how many calories my dinner was…probably well over 500…

I did OK, in that I did not stuff myself, but I definitely did not need that second portion.

Anyway, after dinner, I suddenly got antsy and decided to make some tea and have some candy.  I had 4 or 5 pieces of the See’s Candy that was left over from Easter.  Again, I don’t know the calorie content, but I’m guessing each piece was 75 or 100 calories. 

I did run close to 3 miles yesterday, and I did watch everything else I ate.  But I could feel last night as I went to bed that I would not see a significant drop on the scale, as normally if I stick with my plan and only have a Lean Cuisine for dinner at 5:00, I go to bed with that slightly hungry feeling and wake up with a loss.  But last night, after two portions of dinner and the candy, I went to bed feeling full.

And I was right.  The numbers were slightly down (.3 of a pound), but not significantly, considering that what had caused the gain had been a huge meal.

Anyway, that was OK, but I am reminding myself to pick up, dust off, and keep going.  I want to see the numbers back down to where they were, and I have to be serious about this.

Tonight my challenge will be dinner.  My husband and I have a habit of going out on Wednesday nights while the kids are at their church class.  It’s our date night.  The last couple of date nights have involved me TOTALLY over-indulging at Chilli’s.  Yikes.  Like, we even ordered chips and salsa, and I mindlessly wolfed the chips, inhaling them like I didn’t have a thought in the world about what I was doing.  That’s the kind of behavior that has “earned” my weight gain.  Sigh.

I need to plan ahead, one way or another, and not do anything like that tonight.  Either we don’t go out to eat, or I plan in advance where we go and what I will order.

Here’s what I ate yesterday:  South Beach bar (140); orange (100); Slim-Fast shake (190); broccoli (100); cheese (200); crackers (140); chicken casserole (600?); candy (300?).  Total:  1,970.

See – this is a good reality check for me.  It didn’t feel like I’d eaten almost 2,000 calories yesterday.  But I did.  It’s good to be brutally honest.  I’m going to see the scale numbers go back down.

 

Gotta celebrate those small victories… April 21, 2009

Filed under: Uncategorized — fitgirl4life @ 12:34 am

So…I’ve decided, as I wrote in my previous post today (wow, two posts in one day??), that I’m going to put myself back into food prison for awhile, at least until I’m back to weighing 155.  I was at 163.8 this morning, which is a full ten pounds more than I was at my lowest.  That number was a real jolt of reality, so in a peculiar way, I’m glad about weighing myself.  It’s motivated me to be honest again, rather than pretending that I can, without suffering any consequences, return to habitually using food for entertainment.

Actually – not just using FOOD.  My problem isn’t the food itself.  My problem is that I am entertained by OVER-INDULGING in certain fattening foods.

Naturally thin people don’t do that.  They don’t sit and wolf on French bread until they feel sick.  They don’t plan outings around overeating.  Naturally thin people see food for what it IS – nourishment – and they only take what their bodies actually NEED.

But I have a hard time getting – and more importantly, STAYING – in that frame of mind.  It’s not so hard once I’m in the groove and am having some fun success working toward a weight loss goal.  Then it becomes a game, to “think like a thin person” and order healthy things off of restaurant menus, or order a fattening entree and then take more than half of it home in a to-go container.

But once the weight loss goal is reached, the problem is maintaining momentum and motivation.  I mean – momentum implies GOING SOMEWHERE with it, and if you’ve reached your goal, where you’re just maintaining, you don’t really need momentum.  And yet changing your habits still requires momentum.

That’s been my dilemma.

Once I reached the low 150s and was happy-ish with my weight (”ish” because I wasn’t model thin, but “happy” because I felt really good and looked decent in my size-10 jeans), I would occasionally slip back into my old “eat-till-I-feel-sick-just-cuz-it-tastes-good-and-I-don’t-want-the-fun-taste-to-have-any-limits” behavior patterns.  The first few times, I’d feel sort of sick afterward, as my stomach simply was not used to accommodating so much food in a single sitting, and my body was no longer used to so much fat.  (The foods I’d over-indulge in were definitely NOT raw veggies or other low-calorie/low-fat treats!) 

Feeling uncomfortable tended to help me get back to my new lifestyle, and it didn’t seem like my weight was affected in the long term by all those extra calories.  I would be able to spend a few days of concentrated effort, where I would NOT over-indulge, and whatever pounds I’d gained would fall right back off.

But then, at some point, the over-indulgences grew more frequent, so I tended to be having at least as many days of over-eating as I did days where I maintained my new habits.  Pretty soon, my “new habits” could hardly even qualify as “habits” anymore – after all, is something even a “habit” if you’re not even able to maintain it at least half the time?

Anyway, that’s why I’m now in the position I’m in.  I quit living like a thin person over the past month or two, and it has caught up with me.  The hard truth is that I can’t keep adding a milkshake to my order each time we go to Chick-Fil-A.  I can’t go to IHOP and order pancakes with unlimited butter and syrup more than once or twice a year.  I can’t make over-eating my weekend entertainment, EVERY SINGLE WEEKEND.  If I do those things, the pounds will creep back on.

So today, I’ve decided that I’m back in food prison.  As you might expect, something had to happen to make me question my resolve late this afternoon.  (I always have the hardest time with my resolve in the afternoon and evening.)

Hubby came home from work a little earlier, as he wanted to go get his fishing license.  The kids wanted to go with him, and at the last minute, I decided to go, too.

As we drove over to the store, he asked me, “What did you want to do for dinner?”

I looked up, and of course, we were right by IHOP.  I had a fleeting thought of suggesting that we could “get breakfast for dinner.”  The kids love IHOP.  And of course, pancakes didn’t sound too bad to me either, during my late-afternoon sugar low.

And in that moment, I felt that same sort of angry hopelessness and helplessness.  I simply HAD to limit my sense of food freedom in that moment, or we’d go to IHOP, I’d over-indulge, and then later on I’d be totally filled with regret, as I would step on the scale tomorrow and see an even higher number.

So I answered my husband with, “Well, I was going to go back to food prison and just have a Lean Cuisine today, and I thought I’d grill some fish for you.”

He was fine with that…and I was saved from thousands of calories I do not need…and that horrible feeling of losing my resolve, which I truly do not want.

It’s a teeny-tiny little victory, but one worth celebrating.  The victories of the first few days are always the hardest ones to win.  Once I get some momentum going again, it won’t be hard to do this.

I did get up and work out vigorously this morning, doing my elliptical machine for 2.7 miles at a pretty intense level.

Here’s what I ate:  South Beach bar (140); banana (80); Slim-Fast (190); broccoli (150); green beans (100); Lean Cuisine Parmesan-Crusted Fish (290); milk (150); apple (70).  Total:  1170.  I may add a 100-calorie Yoplait yogurt if I get hungry later on.

 

Needing some help… April 20, 2009

Filed under: Uncategorized — fitgirl4life @ 12:02 pm

Well – I need some help.

I’m finding myself slipping into dangerous patterns again, where I habitually use food for entertainment…not just here or there, but on an almost daily basis.

And with alarming results.

This morning, after managing to stay in a sort of holding pattern for several months where I was in the 157-158 weight range, I stepped on the scale and saw…

163.8.

Gasp.

That is a full 10 pounds higher than my lowest weight, when I was in the best groove of “eating line a thin person.”

I have to get out of that place called denial. 

When I started this blog, I wrote about my inner Crazed Addict Fatgirl, the person who comes around at my weak moments and – despite my best resolve – makes me believe the lies that she whispers as I’m about to over-indulge in some fattening food.

Like last night.  It’s the same old story.  I’ve been growing alarmed at the patterns I’ve been seeing, where I would make a vow to get back into a good mindset of eating just till I’m full, and of making good choices.  The truth is that it’s REALLY NOT THAT HARD once I get going.  I never regret eating “too little” (which, of course, is actually “just enough”) after the fact.  So yesterday, I made a real effort to make good choices.  When we went out to lunch after church, I specifically chose Tokyo Joe’s because I can order a small bowl of chicken with brown rice and vegetables, and that’s a satisfying, tasty entree that is within a decent calorie range…unlike my selection of Red Robin (and total abandon with the fries and ranch dressing).

So I was happy with myself yesterday.  For breakfast I’d had my usual South Beach bar and coffee…and then I’d had the chicken bowl for lunch.  I’d told myself that I’d have a snack of fruit in the afternoon, or some other good choice.  That went well enough.  I decided on a small bowl of cereal for my early-evening meal.

But then, “Celebrity Apprentice” was on last night, and at about 7:45, before it began, I realized I was hungry.  My husband needed to eat something too, so I asked him if he wanted some…you guessed it…Caesar salad and garlic bread, since that was what I had on hand.

I made the salad and two baguettes and proceeded to have a large bowl which was packed with croutons and dressing.  It tasted delicious.  So did the bread.  And the wine.  Did I mention that I had wine, too?

Crazed Addict Fatgirl was right there as I took the thought of Caesar salad and bread and suggested it to my husband (instead of just fixing him something else, something healthy, and allowing myself a snack of fruit, which I hadn’t had yesterday).  I suddenly felt that weird giddy rush that I always get when I’m about to deliberately over-indulge.

I really have an issue with combining my pleasures, too.  If there’s something good on TV, that is when I’m most likely to wolf down a whole bag of chips.

After I’d eaten my bowl of salad, drunk a full glass of wine, and eaten an entire baguette, I suggested…MAKING ANOTHER LOAF OF BREAD.

Husband was still hungry (what guy feels full on just bread and salad, even if it’s very fattening salad?), so he consented to more bread.  We split another baguette.

After that, with still another hour of Apprentice to go, I hauled out some remaining Easter candy and made a pot of decaf tea to go with that.  I proceeded to have about 5 pieces, maybe 6, of the candy.

By the time I went to bed, I felt really disgusting.  I was too full, everything had had too much salt, the wine was starting to give me a bit of heartburn, and I was just disgusted with myself.

I know how to eat like a thin person.  I prefer to eat like a thin person, in the long run.  I do not like the way I feel when I eat like Crazed Addict Fatgirl.  And if I just get enough days together where I don’t listen to Crazed Addict Fatgirl, she does tend to go away, or at least, her voice gets really weak and has no power over me.

But habitual over-indulgence does something to me, where Crazed Addict Fatgirl comes back in all her strength.  It’s happened now.  I despise seeing 163.8 on the scale.  The size 10 jeans that used to be comfortable are slightly too tight now, and I’m disgusted that I’m a full 10 pounds heavier than I was when I was at my lowest point and felt so good.

So, I’m turning to what worked before.  I’m going to record what I eat again, and before I over-indulge, I’m going to write about what is going through my head.  Really, every single time I decide to have the milkshake I’m hardly craving, or suggest to the family that we go to Red Robin so I can have unlimited fries with ranch dressing, or when I bust out the Caesar salad and garlic bread, I experience the exact same strange rush in my thoughts.  It’s WAY TOO MUCH like what people say a drug addict experiences. 

My thoughts go something like this…this is what Crazed Addict Fatgirl whispers to me:

“You’re skinny.  It only takes a few days of ‘watching it’ to get back to where you were.  This indulgence won’t hurt you.  You’ll be able to stop.  Think of how good this will taste and how much fun it will be to eat this while you’re also enjoying what’s on TV.  You can think about this later…”

And once my mind allows itself to go there and start listening to Crazed Addict Fatgirl, it’s almost like I’m in such a familiar groove that I become her.  Like I said, I feel a weird sort of giddy rush of excitement, and in that moment, all I can think about is the enjoyment of the food combined with the pleasure of sitting around and watching TV.

The way that I have vanquished Crazed Addict Fatgirl before is first of all, to make no avenue for her.  To not buy the ingredients to make the salad or to not buy the bags of potato chips.  To, as the Bible says, “Make no provision for the flesh.”  Or, if those things ARE still around, to have the mindset where it’s not even a possibility…where I won’t even allow my thoughts to entertain the idea.  Once I start entertaining the thought, it’s almost as though the pathway in my brain is so well-greased to go in that direction, I can hardly stop it.

I can stop myself from thinking in that direction by telling myself to stop and take a break from whatever it is that is making me want to eat.

I can tell myself – this works well in the moment – that I’ve gone that way before and can go that way again, but I’m just NOT going to go that way at this moment.  I’m choosing NOT to go there.  I know what the food that is tempting me tastes like.  Moreover, I know what I’ll feel like if I eat too much of it, and I won’t like myself if I do that.

So OK – I’m going to write down what I eat, and I’m going to make listening to Crazed Addict Fatgirl not even an option.  I’m prepared in advance for the rebellious anger that I’m going to feel in those moments when I refuse to allow myself to cave…that sort of irritated, frustrated, listless feeling I get when I really want to eat something but know that I won’t do it.  Once I overcome that feeling a few times, it does go away, and the BETTER feeling of being in control of myself comes back.

I’m also going to record my weight every day.

Here we go again.

This is just the nature of the beast…it’s a lifelong battle…but that’s OK.  I’d rather fight it than be fat again.  I’ve worked way too hard, for more than a year, to be in good shape and to feel good again, and I’m not going to lose my success here.

The very fact that I’m writing this is a sign that I’m on the right path, AWAY from the dangerous road of allowing Crazed Addict Fatgirl to be in the driver’s seat.

 

An anniversary post… March 27, 2009

Filed under: Uncategorized — fitgirl4life @ 9:22 pm

I haven’t updated in awhile, and it recently occurred to me that it’s been over a year since I started my weight loss program and this blog.  I couldn’t remember the exact date, but when I looked back through all the early posts, I saw that my journey began on March 16, 2008.  That was when I made a resolute commitment to doing whatever it took to take off my excess weight and get healthy.

And it worked.  Within what seemed (in retrospect) like a relatively short amount of time, I went from a high weight of 189.5 to my (semi-) goal of 155. 

To be truly “model-slim,” where I can wear any fashion and look really good, I’d need to take off probably another 8 or 10 pounds, given my small-boned frame and the way that ANY excess weight tends to accumulate in really obvious hip bulges right below my waist, making certain styles of jeans and pants very unflattering.  But so far, I just haven’t been able to muster up the extra commitment and energy that it’d take to re-focus from maintenance mode back into weight-loss mode to do another 8 or 10 pounds.  A part of me is a bit frustrated that I can’t seem to pull it together.  Another part of me doesn’t care as much.  I feel like I look pretty good for my age.  I am happy with what I’ve accomplished.  I feel good.  I’m not really in the mood to hunker down and be so tightly controlled and disciplined as I was when I was steadily losing.

Right now, I’ve been focusing on maintenance.  It’s pretty much the same old battle, which is why I don’t update very often.  I’ve definitely lost some of my vigilance.  I do find myself slipping back into old habits far too often, where I view food as entertainment.  My stalled-out weight loss (and even the occasional gain) is directly connected to how often I relapse and throw off all restraints, particularly when eating out at restaurants.

When I was really serious about my plan, I would commit to only ordering something from the menu that would fit with the calories I had budgeted for that particular meal.  I would go to www.thedailyplate.com and religiously research my options.

But lately, if we go somewhere like Red Robin, I pretty much allow myself to eat whatever I feel like having.  Usually, that’s a cheeseburger with unlimited fries dipped in ranch dressing.  I’ll know that it’s way too much food, and I’ll even feel kinda sick afterward, but in the moment, it just won’t feel worthwhile to restrain myself.  The pleasure of having no limits seems far more important than making more progress toward my weight loss goal.

And for the most part, because I keep exercising and because I continue to include a good balance of fruits and vegetables, those occasional pig-out fests don’t seem to have much of an effect on the scale numbers.  I weigh in almost every day and keep close tabs on how far I stray from 155.

I’m trying hard to remain honest.  I’m trying hard not to lie to myself.  It’s really easy to slip into denial mode, where I lie to myself and think that I can make a habit out of over-indulging without eventually starting to gain weight. 

Overall, this has been a great year.  I am SO thankful that I was able to stick with my commitment and especially make it through those horribly hard first couple of weeks, where the prospect of making major long-term lifestyle changes seemed absolutely daunting and flat-out sad and boring.  The truth is that once you get into a good weight-loss groove, where you’re feeling better and maknig progress, making the right choices is a pleasure.  You definitely feel much better, too.

I’d like to recapture a bit more of that mentality, because I’ll admit that I have lost a tad bit of my brutally honest zeal.  Lately the scale has been showing 157 or 158.  Granted, that’s only a couple of pounds within my goal range of 155.  But it’s also a number that is consistently 2 pounds higher.  I have to remember how easy it is for 2 pounds to become 5…which quickly can morph into 10 pounds.  I don’t want to leave the 150s.  I like the 150s.  I feel good in the 150s.

I’ve spent a year working on losing 30-some pounds and keeping it off, and I’m going to maintain my focus on what’s important.

 

Telling The Truth… March 4, 2009

Filed under: Uncategorized — fitgirl4life @ 2:38 am

So I’ve been in kind of a funky place lately.

The last time I updated, I was pretty happy with the balance I thought I’d achieved.

Yes, I was indulging in some “bad” fattening foods.  And yes, sometimes it was starting to feel like I was being too frequently overpowered by my food obsessions.

But overall, my weight was hovering at a pretty constant number – around 155, give or take – and I was able to intersperse enough “good” days, days where I stuck with my plan, in between the days of overindulgance.  It was feeling like I’d hit a good balance, one that I could live with.  I was exercising just about every day, and I was eating fruits and vegetables.  If I went overboard and had too much of a “bad” thing, I’d generally be able to rein it back in the next day.

But gradually, things began to turn and I have had some weeks where there were almost NO “good” days, and way too many days where I ate way more than I needed to and indulged in all sorts of fattening treats way too frequently.  In fact, sometimes I’d find myself having a Chick-Fil-A milkshake (my downfall, pre-diet) just because it had become something I could “get away with,” without having the scale numbers creep up too much, and NOT because I was genuinely craving one.

(And as I’ve mentioned before, I discovered awhile back the horrifying truth that a chocolate milkshake from Chick-Fil-A is an astounding 740 calories!)

So that has not been a good trend.

I’ve slipped into a bad pattern of not viewing the good habits I’d formed as LIFELONG habits.  Instead, I’ve been slipping back into the mentality of overindulging for entertainment…and using food for entertainment.

I’ve had MANY days where I’ve done really well with all my choices - only to find myself losing it at night, as I sit and watch TV and eat too many snacks.

I need to recapture that mindset where the changes I made were simply habits…not terrible sacrifices, not  huge encumbrances, not even mere means to an end (weight loss)…but simple lifestyle changes.

Some of this, I’ve managed to hang onto.  Like I said, including fruits and vegetables in my diet is something that I continue to do, and it doesn’t feel difficult or bad.  I actually feel much better when I eat a good balance of foods.  Likewise exercise.  I’ve worked out fairly regularly for the past several years, even during my fattest times, so that wasn’t really a HUGE change, just one where I intensified things.  And I continue to work out either 4 or 5 days out of each week.  I’ve been alternating between running 3 miles and doing the elliptical for 25-30 minutes. 

So that’s good.

But what really needs to change is my attitude toward using food as entertainment.  Honestly, it’s reached a point where I find myself eating stuff that I’m not even genuinely craving, just because I’m bored, or because sitting down in front of the TV with unlimited crackers is more entertaining than watching the show with no snack.  So many times I’m hardly even hungry as I go rummaging in the pantry.

I’m also at a weird place in terms of weight.

As I’ve said before, a “truly slim” weight – where I can be a true fashion maven with a flat stomach and no hip bulges – is around 145.  I’m hovering around 155 now.  While I look fine, SO much better than I was some 35 pounds ago, “perfectly slim” still eludes me.

I’m OK with 155, of course.  I’m OK with “just” being at a healthy weight.  I’m thrilled with it, actually.  It’s great to be able to ditch the size 16 jeans and fit into size 10’s.

BUT…

This place where I am doesn’t provide quite the same level of self-perpetuating motivation as would being able to wear ANYTHING…to look REALLY GOOD instead of merely ”decent”…

So I am at a crossroad.  I know that if I were to set my mind to it, I could take off an additional 10 pounds and reach my true goal.  A part of me would REALLY like to be at that “model thin” point again…to be TRULY slim and not just “OK.”  I’d love to be able to wear anything and feel really good. 

But that’s a good strong 10 pounds away.

And yet, if I just stick with the “eating like a thin person” mindset, I could get there.  And it probably wouldn’t be that difficult, after the initial “pain” of getting away from eating for entertainment.

So what do I do? 

Well, I’m making a commitment to embracing what honestly IS good and fun and refreshing about making good choices…and I’m stepping away from the disgusting habit of using food for pure entertainment, only to regret it when I wake up in the morning with a weight gain.

And I’m going to think more about whether I want to move ahead and lose 10 more pounds.

I mean – I would REALLY love to be a fashion maven.  What are 10 measely pounds?  I’ve already lost more than 30.  I can do this.

 

Plugging along… February 9, 2009

Filed under: Uncategorized — fitgirl4life @ 2:50 am

Really, this fitness thing?  It’s a never-ending process.

That could get sort of depressing, in one respect.  Sometimes I simply don’t FEEL like having to think about it any more.  Sometimes I just want to eat what I feel like eating, and as much of it as I want, without thoughts of restraint. 

Sometimes.

But most of the time, it’s not that hard.  I find that as long as I keep up a few simple habits, the rest falls into place.  Those habits are:

Vigorous exercise, 3-5 days per week.  Lately I’ve been running 3 miles or doing a half hour on my elliptical.  This past week, I had a couple of bad days, days where I had major sinus issues and didn’t feel like pulling it together to exercise.  But I still managed to run on Monday, Thursday, Friday, and Saturday.  Interestingly enough, I’ve found that if I can just get going, my sinus problems feel much better after a workout.  In fact, yesterday, my pretty intense headache with sinus pressure was simply gone by the time I’d finished my 3 miles.

This exercise routine sounds hard, but it really isn’t.  The big thing is – like the old Nike ads – JUST DOING IT.  If I can get myself on the treadmill, I basically know that I’m not going to stop until I’ve done a minimum of 2 miles.  So the battle becomes one little step at a time – changing into my workout clothes, putting on my running shoes, going downstairs, and starting up the treadmill.  If I just do those things, I will work out, and it won’t seem like a big deal.

Eating 2 servings of fruit and 2 servings of vegetables every day.  There’s something about having fresh fruits and veggies daily that helps me to maintain a sense of balance.  For one thing, these foods are low in calories and yet are filling enough to help curb my appetite.  For another thing, getting a balance of nutrients seems to stave off some of the old wacky cravings I used to have, particularly for sweets.

Eating yogurt daily.  There’s no scientific proof to this, that I know of.  But I am convinced that the cultures in yogurt also help to curb my appetite.

And guess what?  That’s basically it.

If I do those three things, and practice reasonable portion control most of the time, my weight stays around the 154-pound range.  I’ll fluctuate, if I overdo and have a big meal late at night.  But if I focus on doing good things and making good choices, the numbers on the scale will come back down pretty quickly, especially compared to the beginning days of my diet.

These changes are ones that I can live with.  They seem like a small sacrifice to pay for feeling so good and being able to wear decent clothes.